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Comment by gaoshan | Hacker News Reader

This is something I struggle with. I was raised by a child molestor (my father) and he raped me from birth until puberty. Did the same to my sister and also made us perform for him. I feel like this is impossible (or at least, it feels like it) to ever really come to peace with.

I have at least TRIED to come to peace with it, as much as I have been able (I am not young), but it resurfaces in ways that catch me off guard. Triggers that I have a hard time identifying (and that seem minor or inconsequential from a logical point of view) can instantly send me into a spiral of depression that can be very difficult to get out of. I have a hard time hiding it at work (in tech, higher up) when it gets bad but I feel that I must.

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I know that there's nothing that I can say or do which will erase the past, but I wanted to take a moment of my day to tell you that I'm sorry that this happened to you.

I appreciate it. I don't tell people about this in real life (aside from my wife and a few therapists over the years) so occasionally posting as I did here can feel a bit unburdening and beneficial to me.

I once was a member of an in-person men's abuse support group (I was AMAB) and I always found it remarkable to hear my very thoughts echoed by people in that group. It was a very de-stigmatizing experience, to hear those thoughts and realize I had processed my own abuse (non-sexual) in a very normal way. It made me feel much less alone. Not pushing anything, just sharing that experience.

Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve been working with persons involved with great trauma, such as those in prison, for the past few years. In a few months myself and another person will launch a project we’ve worked on for some time. It is an exercise where you write down your responses to six questions. The point is not to tell but to show (I could go on about this concept for sometime). And better yet, have them show themselves, how to create opportunity. This is for anyone (age, status, sex, etc) and can be applied to anything. I thought it might be appropriate to post.

—————

1. Share a thought

2. How does that thought make you feel?

3. Why does it make you feel that way?

4. What is another way of thinking about that thought?

5. How does thinking about it differently change the way you feel?

6. What new opportunities are possible by thinking differently about this?

I mostly want to really applaud your candor and presence in that comment.

I wasn’t molested in the sense I think you mean, but over the years I’ve been close and cared deeply about some who were.

I’m not qualified to say much about this, but I can share that I’ve seen people do the hard work and make wonderful lives for themselves after that kind of tragedy.

God speed.

Hi man.

I admire you greatly for fighting your traumas. Going to that dark alley to mop up what would feel like the sea.

I am really noone to give advice but I will try to give you what guiding words I have.

Try to find your strength. Look for the spark. Use your powers to do good. Leverage the perspectives you've gained in life. Noone can do so, and noone has them, but you. Try to find a way to use the bad to do good.

If you manage to do this, you or others might find yourself a gem too valuable to have even dreamt of finding.

May God help you.

I am so sorry avout your experience.

This is something that really upsets me as a father to multiple children.

Is it even possible for a biological father to do this? I've been meaning to google but I'm afraid of seeing the results.

I always assumed this would be limited to step parents, but Im afraid the truth is darker than i thought possible

Sadly, and devastatingly for the parent/child relationship, there are such creatures out there. As my dad said when I confronted him about it as an adult with kids of my own, "I guess I wasn't thinking. I couldn't help myself".

Once I had my first child I was holding and rocking him back to sleep after a late night feeding and I forced myself to imagine doing to him what my father did to me and it completely wrecked me. I just lost it. It was utterly impossible and horrifying to imagine doing that to any child, let alone my own. I thought it might help me at least gain some insight into him, however feeble, but it didn't... it made me feel an even deeper burning hatred for him and what he did. Pedophiles like he is are simply defective and need to be kept away from children lest they succumb to their urges.

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