I DO NOT WANT:
Randoms contacting me to add to their network. i.e. people I've never met, nor worked with.
Recruiters spamming me with jobs that I am NOT interested in. Recruiters asking to be added to their network (see previous point).
Invitations to seminars, conferences, etc that have nothing to do with my profession.
"LinkedIn" staff wanting me to sign up and pay for yet another feature that I don't need.
As others have mentioned, no personal updates, humble brags, etc.