I disagree; at least the corp-speak version would have a minimal level of respect instead of coming off like a manchild unwilling to live in the 21st century.
Having been in many managerial discussions where we try to figure out how to sugarcoat the real message, I'd much rather prefer the Elon version. I do agree that some level of empathy in the email would be nice but still hate th corp version. Atleast this way, there is no ambiguity about the seriousness of his ask.