Hacker News Reader

Comment by jedimastert | Hacker News Reader

Oddly enough, I have a surprising amount of experience with this. I used to play piano for a church of ~500 where my dad is one of the pastors in my hometown, and played a lot of music around town as well. All of those factors together meant that a lot of people knew way more about me than I knew about them.

In my experience, many of these folks thought they have much more of a relationship than I did. People who knew my name and would strike up conversations in the grocery store like I knew them at all outside of these conversations. The worst part is that I got used to pretending like I knew people and navigating very fake conversations, in a way that I was not a fan of. It's a form of masking that I got very good at.

I'm moving back to my hometown soon because I've gotten a remote job and my family needs the support system right now. This is an aspect I'm not very excited to get back to.

View on HN

Alright, same thing here, but a bit smaller, cause my Dad was just the troop leader of a large contingent of scouts. Hundreds of parents and kids knew me, but I mostly just “pretended” to know them like you did.

I’ve met up with these people, didn’t know a single one of them. You just plainly say, “sorry, it’s been quite a few years how do we know each other?”

If they push harder, just say, “sorry, my Dad knew a lot of people, it’s all a flash of faces when you’re a kid.”

Trust me, people will get it and not give ya a hard time. When one person did, the others told him to bugger off and stop being so self important.

From there on, you can start anew. Just ask them their names and move on.

Yes. This is the answer. Harder up front but works out better for everyone in the long run.

Without trying to gas you up or make you feel one way or another about it via the associations of these words/ definitions/ lables, this sounds like a textbook example of a parasocial relationship, or a microcosm of what celebrities must experience.

> this sounds like a textbook example of a parasocial relationship

I really had to try and not use that word, but it very much was.

Parasocial is a bit different. Parasocial is when the celebrity fakes engagement with stuff like mass messaging that pretends to be personal.

I have a similar experience in my neighbourhood. I live on the corner and have no privacy across my backyard. I spend a lot of time playing with my young kids. Needless to say all the boomers ‘round here know everything about me.

My advice is to accept it, don’t “over mask” but don’t forget that there are a handful of benefits to the situation. Lean into the benefits.

It is a survival mechanism: tribalism and community, protect each other.

I wonder if this is an opportunity to start fresh with these people. I.e., just openly announcing what you told us?

No idea if it would work, but IME most adults are understanding about the challenges of adolescence.

And I'm just guessing here, but I'll bet you're more likely to get some real friends by being open.

(I'm not saying it's easy. Just throwing the idea out there for your consideration.)

> People who knew my name and would strike up conversations in the grocery store like I knew them at all outside of these conversations.

Teachers probably feel this way. Students might go say hi to an old teacher from 2-3 years ago, and most likely the teacher wouldn't remember this particular student much if at all.

I'm confused as to why this is being framed so negatively.

What's wrong with people being more friendly with you? Is it that they waste too much of your time?

It is common for people to take offence if they recognise you, but you don’t recognise them. It is not pleasant to unintentionally cause offence when you don’t recognise someone.

I suspect feeling offended has something to do with reacting to perceived social hierarchy signals.

Although I had someone take offence the other day because they had got fatter, and I didn’t recognise them, and they were over-sensitive about their body figure.

I struggle very heavily with remembering faces and especially names. Because of the peculiarities of my situation, if someone walks up to me familiarly I can't tell if they only know me second-hand, or if we actually have had some sort of interaction in the past, and how significant those experiences are to the other person

It can be stressful to not know or remember if I actually know this person some how and navigating through that.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com