As someone who (now after about a year of therapy a while back) has my OCD managed, let me tell you what my brain still does with a moment of free time:
Visualizes the worst possible scenario of any situation I’m in!
Standing in line to get coffee: What happens if I blurt out a racial slur randomly in here? Or what if someone walks in with a gun? What if someone put poison in this batch of coffee?
Walking with my kids to a park: What if that van over there is about to kidnap my kids. What if my oldest pushes my younger one out into traffic? What if one of them falls off the playground and gets permanent brain damage?
Sitting in bed at night: What if that weird feeling in my stomach is cancer? What if I left the heater on too high and it starts a fire that burns down my house? What if a giant sinkhole opens up beneath my house and swallows us whole?
All that being said, I used to spend hours compulsing to try and make the anxiety these thoughts cause go away but have learned to better accept them for what they are.
As a SWE, I recognize that although this career is one of the most valued in our current economy, we're highly dependent on modern infrastructure. Take away certain services, and all our years of coding experience are rendered useless.
So for his exposure therapy (after a considerable amount of work to get to this point), our therapist had him go into social situations and do some harmless stuff to embarrass himself to learn not to really fear it. One example was like rambling gibberish while in line for coffee or awkwardly dancing while waiting at a crosswalk where passing cars could see him.
It's fascinating that in American culture, the first one can be viewed as of the same grave magnitude as the other two (which can be life-ending events).
> I guess this is not healthy
I'd say the contrary, thinking about projects and being enthusiastic about them is therapeutic. People get out of addictions by working on projects, just an example.
I ask because it sounds to me like if you could figure out how to channel all of that energy going into your projects into the right thing then maybe in addition to the escape you might find your difficulty turns into a super power - many people would kill for the focus needed to write 60k words of game design!
Of course, figuring out some sort of "right thing" that's both easy for the mind and useful to do isn't always easy, and finding something in that venn overlap might be easier than expected or take so many failed attempts that it seems hopeless before finally stroking gold.
Or am I commenting too much from a place of not having lived in your mind, and the wandering nature of ADHD leaves you helpless to channel it at all, just having to hope that it might wander in useful directions?
I don't mind you asking, but I'm afraid I can't give you an extensive answer. There is just a lot that is going on for me right now. Adhd is relevant for this insofar I wasn't diagnosed (and didn't know about it) until recent years (I'm in my mid 20s for context). The last 10 years or so really crumbled my self-efficacy, because nothing ever worked out. Deep down I knew I'm generally capable of doing things, but I wasn't able to. Burnout and depression followed and I'm about to get kicked out of university. So these things really are an escape for me and the energy really is just fear and avoidance. It's powerful, but not sustainable.
To end this on a positive note, I still have this feeling that I could function somehow. All of these projects are meant to serve just me (and not be commercially or anything), so there might be a time these things actually come to life. These projects and specifically this video game thing are really something that I feel I can pour my soul into and make it mine. It's really more than just procrastination. I stand by all of what I write down and I think I possibly have new and own ideas about some common aspects. It's a place where I can spend time on my interests in art, architecture, language, tech and more. Just things that are true to myself.
PS: I knew from the start of writing this, I have to be cautious to not fall into self-pity mode, but well, that's just what this turned into. Sorry. It's already written though. I'll hit 'reply' nevertheless. Have a good night!
Edit: Added some more to actually answer the questions.
I’ve had periods of clarity and many more periods of extreme fog. My focus is so poor sometimes I barely feel like I’m present to experience life. But not being in control of my productivity is somehow the worst part. So much passion and so many ideas, but actually doing anything feels impossible.
I tend to have success with momentum. I am currently working at a new strategy from several angles. I’m setting myself up to have better habits for my health (sleeping, eating, moving) and hatching a non-mentally-ill alter ego who just does things and has the qualities I desire. Faking it until I make it, hopefully.
The things that had started coming to my mind - like things long forgotten or put away and now coming back as fresh memories...
Very interesting experience...
Riding a motobike for long hours in mountains (Thailand or Laos or Flores) - similar experience. Your are immersed in the landscape, in the moment. Focused on the road but on the other hand your mind is wandering free...
I have been to couple meditation retreats or monasteries as well. But that's a bit different....
What an incredible experience it must be
Whoa, what a beautiful experience. You're doing what most of us dream of doing :) Interesting that, in the absence of stimuli, old memories begin to surface.
May I ask how old you are?
If you want a small taste of that mental clarity, use the toilet without bringing your phone or any reading material. It wasn't called the "thinking throne" for nothing.
Sometimes I wonder if an Eskimo girl would wear a pink finger ring while listening to Irish folk music while traveling between Mombasa and Easter Island for a conference about mouses who wear green umbrellas.
Something magical about that time. Now it's much quieter.
When I don't have something to focus on, I usually dwell on whatever problems I'm aware of that are the most emotionally troubling. That's often challenges I face as a business owner, relational conflict with someone I care about, ways I'd like to improve myself or change but can't/won't, etc.
This results in a significant toll on my mental and emotional faculties/health. Simply resting, bring at peace, doesn't seem possible. I chalk this up to my analytical mindset, which helps me greatly in my development efforts, being unable to disengage despite knowing full well there is nothing I can do to change most of it. That and/or being prone to anxiety. Not sure it even matters why, it's clearly baked into my "wiring" somewhere.
Due to this dynamic, I almost always prefer to have something to engage with. Programming, phone (usually here or news), TV, cards with family, books, etc. I don't like that I compulsively reach for my phone now and have to "escape" to these distractions, but as I've weighed the pros and cons, this seems better than the alternative of incessantly dwelling on the negatives.
It's often a fun thought experiment, and really helps me appreciate all the little things that let me lead the life I do, even when that life is not going as well as I'd like.
- On interstellar travel, and how completely bonkers it would be to ride on a steadily-degrading spaceship for a decade, with just enough fuel to stop when you get there, and no more. And what it might take to get our civilization to care enough to try (seems like a terrible calamity is the only way).
- I firmly believe that there is a sequence of words that, if constructed properly for an individual, (perhaps even less than 1000 words), would convince anyone of anything. I try to think of short sequences of very-convincing arguments, mostly to no avail. I think about this a lot when politicians ramble on and on -- just not creative enough. I also think about this a lot when people talk about why they believe something, and I try to see why it is so convincing to them.
- The future of robotics and AI. This one I think about a ton. That future is biology, I'm afraid, but metal-bots will always have a place.
And, like chewz said below, I also have a list of projects I can bounce back to.
What does make you think that? Have you seen or experienced something like this before?
Your thought/ idea makes perfect sense to me and there surely is more potential to transfer ideas/ ideologies/ etc more compact than we do most of the time. I too, don't believe in good and evil humans but that everyone is capable of everything (decision-, not skill-wise). But 1000 words would be quite frustrating, because if I (a random on the internet/ on a party/ or elsewhere) am able to 'flip' you, what's gonna stop the next random dude from flipping you back over. If it's that easy to make you change your opinion, it is not sustainable. As I'm writing this, I realized, this is the very reason I stopped discussing with anyone with whom I don't get value out of myself as well. It's just not worth it - at least for people that aren't close to me.
Less controversially, I think there's good in almost any idea that a speaker really believes in (ignoring bad faith actors) and if you can make people see, truly, your point of view and mesh it to theirs, you can both agree, even if you both abandon your original stance. So, nobody can really bring everyone 'to themselves' which is unstable as you say, but they can both find some average of their opinions that looks an awful lot like convincing people of a course of action or idea. The catch in my mind is that the words move you both, not just the listener. You can see it happen in real time in this thread.
Maybe I lacked structure in my initial comment and you're referring to my statement about value in dialogs/ discussions that I briefly mentioned. That said, I totally agree with what you say here. There are numerous ways to get something valuable out of an interaction. The actually exchange of information can be just one part. Observing how you or the other reacts/ feels/ etc. to an impulse (in whatever form), can be eye-opening as well. And so much more. Human interaction is complicated, nevertheless, sometimes I just don't feel like it's worth the energy - ofc not our little chit chat here (;
For a moment I thought there was going to be a twist at the end where you describe the people who stayed on Earth.
In language, it's a lot of comedy (e.g. How could you tell if someone you already knew was wearing a disguise? How would they respond if you asked them? How would you know they aren't? What if they're lying? When you solve a catchpa to prove you are not a robot, how sure can you be, and who are you trying to convince, really? etc.) then, it's ethical and religious questions about power and politics (What is a just war? Is deception intrinsically more moral than violence? Do leaders have a divine mandate? For what are we accountable in regard to good and evil? What is the substrate of our experience? Is "The Simulation" just language?), and then some of what most closely resembles adolescent metamathematics (What are the most atomic operations and what property of the universe makes their number finite? Is complexity an artifact of geometry? What isn't a graph?)
The rest is too long to get into, but essentially it reduces to whatever deepity is sufficient to distract me from doing the work I'm probably supposed to be doing.
For the longest time, as a kid, I was under the impression that it was the same for everyone, and that figuring these things out was what everyone was busy working on - the purpose of human life. I never slowed down - still working on it with nearly every daydreaming moment I have.
I want to believe, but I suspect that most 'thinking humans' still (erroneously) subscribe to the general idea of individuation: material atomism and the assumption of individual, existing parts. We have a long, long way to go - the work of metaphysicians has not yet begun, and even scientists are still making the same error in the face of their own evidence (think: the phlogistonistic 'string' theory). Wittgenstein was correct to note that most questions in philosophy have not been sensible questions. The underlying reason is that they have assumed individuation, as a core axiom - a vulnerability in the bare-metal layer. We have assumed this because it is contrary to our observations and (most of) our common experience to do otherwise; it took hard science to demonstrate alternatives, and only 'recently'.
Am I right to say that we both seem firmly planted in a paradigm beyond individuation - even as your view unifies the 'everything' into an individual? Methinks we have different lenses gazing upon the same essence.
My recent scribblings and bibblings are on 'cosmic significance', which may bridge our two compatible views. One question I have is, assuming quantum field theory, and assuming consciousness is a very natural 'thing' in the cosmos, how, if at all, are these associated? The possibility that they are seems more and more reasonable to me, even required, but in ways that I suspect will rightly never match the criterion of the scientific method (at least in my lifetime).
I try to maintain a solid sobriety when dabbling in metaphysics, but these questions persist, and seem reasonable. While I'm sure there are many professionals working on these questions - I'm also sure it is quite clear that I not a professional. However, my mind is quite professional at wandering off into these topics, to return to OP's question!
As late yesterday I saw two youtube shorts videos using deep fakes models of celebrities pushing crypto Ponzi schemes. I wonder how widespread bot usage is, and their connection to "echo chambers" that seem to echo louder and louder into mainstream media.
It's honestly a huge issue, I've lost sleep some nights because of it. It's sort of changed how I structure things to try and keep myself busy, but if anyone has tips on coping with this let me know!
Sometimes I just daydream about stuff. Often I remember things that make me laugh, or make me angry, or both. Occasionally I force myself to actually work on some of the projects I've daydreamed and planned out (forced, because for some reason that part is much less innately interesting to me than the planning and conceptualizing, even though I want to finish them).
I have this too, and the reasoning I came up with for myself is that because the first part is the problem solving, it gets fueled by curiosity and passion, whereas the second part, the implementation, is often just grunt work to me. I do not work in a theoretical research field, but I'm inclined to also think that this predilection must be something shared by those who do.
When away from electronics (and the iPad), I now keep thinking of what I'd like to paint for my next masterpiece and coming up with ideas for future paintings in my mind. It's incredibly refreshing, and also helps me sleep.
I've been trying to do the same only to find the whole thing frustrating af. My goal right now is to A) draw wireframes of websites, B) workflows (similar to wireframes with added arrows), and C) an image of Calvin of C&H fame.
I've used Procreate, Excalidraw, OneNote, Notability, etc.
<rant> All of the tutorials are like "Here is where you can select a canvas. Here is where you can select brushes. Let's choose this brush..." (Why?) "Then change the setting to this..." (again, why?). I'm beginning to hate videos in my search results.
If I want to actually accomplish one of these drawings, I pick up a pad of paper and pencil and I'm done in 60 seconds for wireframes, five minutes for Calvin. I have yet to be able to do it after hours on my iPad. </rant>
First, for Wireframing and workflows, there's a ton of different ones that all achieve the same thing so it comes down to preference mostly. For this I highly recommend looking into Concepts, Muse and Moleskine Flow. I personally prefer them out of the many others that I have tried. Although be aware there are more specialised 'wireframing' apps also available.
When it comes to other character drawing and general art, Procreate is currently ne of the better ones as it gives you a ton of options with different brushes etc. I personally prefer Adobe Fresco as I like their interface better and their live brushes for a better 'painting' look. I also use Moleskin Flow for non-painting drawing practise as i love their minimalist approach to UI out of the hundreds of apps that I have tried.
It's a little bit of a steeper learning curve if you're not used to digital drawing with frames, choosing brushes, etc. but honestly. keep at it as once you familiarise yourself with you preferred favourite app it'll be a lot quicker! Yeah all the tutorial videos always seem to be aimed at a more slow, general audience. Once you have the gist of where everything is in your preferred app, just have a few favourite brushes of your choice start creating.
Today I'm thinking in solutions on how to deal with public health in my country "pos-pandemic" as we have Universal Care for free tho tons of challenge to overcome the shortcomings.
We have the falacy that problems are easy to solve and simplest solutions are effective, begin Cartesian of course they are, however when you see the big picture... Things are not so simple, they take time and lot of effort.
and unfortunately with all the noise in our cities, it's hard day-dreaming much
Accounting, cryptography, assessing if the top-most neglected chore can still be snoozed, calculating how long until I need to switch context (may motivate, may re-assess urgency of neglected chores), "I need a break" (hacker news), sex, simulating one of many ongoing conversations, "I'm so happy I have X" (with X = my balcony, my couch, my cat, my bike), "Did my cat jump off the balcony?"
Interestingly, answering this question by doing a scan over where my mind wanders to actually blocks my mind from wandering, and so I ended up accidentally meditating.
A question I’ve had to ask myself many times.
I lose a little bit of random creativity from my mind wandering here and there but its worth it for the amount of books/podcasts I'm able to get through that help in other ways.
Also, perhaps not that unrelated, escaping into fantasy worlds, usually the last thing I read.
Some times I make my own, and set stories in them.
Wanting to get those ideas on paper was how I got into writing fiction (for fun).
I like to walk and think about things. mostly crap I want to do and never work on. I get way ahead of myself and when I go to start the minimal amount I can get accomplished usually frustrates me. and I switch to something else.
"Until it gets to the centre", I said.
"Nope" said Ms. Fulara. "It can run into the forest as far as it wants"
Dread from debt
Cool stuff like future personal projects
"Freedom" I think of an open field and a sunny day
space/what happens after death