Ask HN: I'm in a bad situation and desperately need advice

Document everything. Have copies of things in multiple safe (non-work) locations. CYA. Note all dates, times, locations, methods of communication, and as much physical evidence as you can manage.

I'm sorry you're being treated like this. The fact is, unless there's something illegal about what happened, you are in the right and need to act with integrity. You're a victim of a crime, not a perpetrator. Stand strong.

I doubt in these days that anyone would fire an employee over having been betrayed by a sexual partner (save some highly religious employers). If this girl follows through with their threat, it is unlikely to come to anything. And if your new employer did let you go as a result, you're dodging a bullet in the long term. Companies with HR that evil don't deserve you. Might have a legal case if that were to happen (again, document everything) so prepare for the worst, but you can reasonably expect the best.

I'd say file a police report, but am unsure how to treat HR. That varies so much from place to place. Might be best to tell HR the basic story and give them info to keep this girl out of the workplace. You don't need her showing up and causing a bigger mess.

It'll be fine, sooner rather than later. I'm sure this isn't her first rodeo, and she's betting on you getting shaken up. Be calm, don't engage with her, and remember she has no real power here.

Unless she’s an underage why would you be fired for exchanging pictures with another consenting adult? Perhaps there’s more to it than you’re sharing.

Can she post them publicly to shame you? Perhaps… but I think you’re overreacting. Paying was the first mistake to be host with you. She smelled fear and now will continue to blackmail you!

If I was in your situation I’ll most definitely file a police report asap.

Not underage, and there truly is nothing more to it. I wouldn't create a throwaway account on hackernews only to leave out critical information such as that.

I don't think I could be fired for exchanging the photos with her, but if she sent them directly to the people I work beside every day then I can't imagine that'd foster a positive work environment.

If it’s a coworker then you have legitimate reasons to worry - and blackmail might be your saving grace.

Keep all communications!

You're overthinking it. What they're doing is either illigal or civally punishable. Get a lawyer, they'll probably do it on commission. Save evidence. Your coworkers don't care what your naked self looks like. Take the mindset of "we don't negotiate with terrorists" to heart.

Doesn't matter that it's illegal if they're in the Philippines, which I assure you they are.

Come clean completely if it's just something embarrassing and not illegal. The blackmailer will lose their power and you will appear relatively sympathetic, everyone has stuff they'd rather not get shared around and will identify with your case. Your concerns about PR are probably overblown, even if it seems like a big deal to you, most people won't think about it much

If it's something really bad, and not just an embarrassing sexual thing or something, act accordingly and realize you may have to start a new life somehow. Look into being a day laborer, for example. Hopefully you're not in that situation.

(And just in case it's child abuse or something like that, turn yourself in, and seek help, you deserve what you get)

It's nothing so bad as that. Just relatively mundane sexual stuff as you say. I'm really not so concerned with the images themselves, and moreso am concerned with losing my job as a result. They could be hung on posters around town for all I care, so long as I don't lose my job.

I just worry that if they were sent out to my coworkers she found via my linkedin, that it would create a work environment in which they would really have no choice but to let me go.

I'm not sure they could fire you for that if they wanted to. I would raise it with HR and file a police report. You are victim and should be treated as such. Understandably it will be embarrassing and you'll have to assess your long term level of comfort with that (like if you want to get another job), but I don't see how it's a fireable issue if it's really just consenting sexual stuff and you come clean.

> Just relatively mundane sexual stuff as you say.

I believe you're over thinking this and honestly shouldn't have sent her any money. Sorry you're going through this.

There's really nothing wrong with 2 consulting adults doing whatever they want unless it causes problems for someone else. Thus, let her keep blackmailing you.

TOTALLY ignore her. Just tell her once that if she did send those photos to anyone, you'll file blackmail and harassment charges against here. And then just stop talking, AT ALL.

And if you do get fired because of this, drag your employer to court. You will win easily.

Remember, there's nothing wrong that you did and you shouldn't be afraid. People like her are almost 100% bluff, and even if they did go ahead, you don't have to worry.

File a police report for sure - pretty sure your employer wouldn't fire you for being a blackmail victim either. Sorry, sounds stressful to say the least. I am not a lawyer.

Also if you exchanged photos that behavior can go both ways.

I don't think threatening to reciprocate the blackmail is something I'd ever want to do, both for moral and legal reasons. I don't think they'd fire me for being a blackmail victim, but I wouldn't be surprised if they fired me for creating an uncomfortable work environment should my coworkers receive those photos.

You wouldn't be the one creating the hostile work environment, that would be on the perpetrator of the crime, as others have said file a police report and inform your HR department as to what's going on. You'll be fine.

I don't know of anything specific to your situation, but it is possible you could find pro-bono representation. There are several nonprofit organizations that work for victims of revenge porn, sexual harassment, sexual violence, etc. Some of those organizations might be able to help you directly, and failing that they will be able to tell you who to call.

Here is one that operates across the U.S.:

https://cyberrightsproject.com/

Look into such organizations in your local area. Also contact local law schools.

If you're in the U.S., you can use LawHelp.org and look up what the law is in your state for blackmail, defamation, etc. If a law has been violated, file a police report.

I would look for the company's lawyers and let them know the problem, they'll be professional about it and ask the IT/security department to capture incomming email from the scammer that could be used as proof for the police. You could even look for a lawyer to talk to them as a crime investigation. Pretty sure the company will take the issue in a formal way.

If I were your boss my concern would be how easily you succumbed to blackmail, so don't mention that. Would you be willing to give her company passwords next ? I also wouldn't want to be part of your personal drama. If I got these pics as your employer, I'd delete them and tell you FYI, I got an email and deleted it and I don't care. Again as long as you don't mention you paid blackmail money since that could imply you did something illegal, like underage sex (I know you said that isn't it).

While the above may seem insensitive it was actually intended to put your mind at ease. I was in a similar situation ~10 years ago. I couldn't sleep, I thought my reputation was destroyed. I then reached out to the website where my fake revenge porn pic/profile was posted (it was a bad fake but still humiliating) and they took down the post. After I found my attacker's personal address and mailed a letter to his wife telling them I'd sue them for their house and assets if it continued. It all seems so petty and silly now but at the time I felt like my life was being destroyed. All because some SEO marketer stole my website, possibly source code, and App reviews and I wrote him a scathing review stating such. I was really just mad that he stole my App reviews since those belonged to my customers and were not mine to steal but I digress.

Yeah fair enough. My main concern and reason for succumbing to the blackmail wasn't out of fear of embarrassment, but fear of losing my job. Given that this was my concern, if something like company passwords had been a demand then of course it would have been a denial. But at the time I felt like a couple K was worth not risking the loss of my job.

Why would you ever send pictures of your penis to a stranger online. This "woman" you communicated with is likely a male scammer from overseas.

Unless your face is on these photos and this "woman" has your real name and place of employment, you have nothing to be concerned about.

Do the photos show illegal activity? How serious is it (like, is it just some weed)?

It's possible the consequences of exposure aren't as bad as you expect, if you go to the police, and then to your employer, and explain what's going on.

Nudity/sexually explicit acts. Nothing illegal or particularly extreme. My concern is with losing my job and source of income as a result of those photos being shared, not the photos themselves as much.

You obviously know the company/situation better than me, but I think it's pretty unlikely that they'd sack you.

File a police report first, and then take the whole thing (including the police report, and maybe the photos, if you have them) to your boss. Explain that you're really embarrassed, but you're being blackmailed for something that is NOT illegal, that the police are involved, and that the blackmailer has threatened to send the photos to your employer. Ask them to just let you and the police know if they hear from her.

Then tell her you've told your employer already, and she's got no leverage left.

I wouldn't tell her about the police: if they end up charging her (which hopefully they do) she'll hear about it soon enough, and better it comes from them than you.

Good luck!

I hate to be the one to point this out, but it's really dumb to pay blackmailers. Here's why: these people go around looking for people to exploit. The overwhelming majority of people will simply ignore or block the blackmailer, at which point they have little point to follow up on their threat - after all, posting the pics doesn't actually help them get paid. However, a small fraction of people are naive enough to actually pay. This is the worst thing you can do: now you've marked yourself as someone who can be exploited for cash. Once you've sent the first batch of money, the blackmailer has no incentive to follow through on their promise not to post the pictures. Instead, they will just squeeze you for more money, since you've already marked yourself as someone who is naive enough to pay.

I understand it's too late for OP, but if you're reading this and are ever in a similar situation, NEVER PAY.

As someone else said, you are the victim of a crime. While this may be embarrassing, this should be pursued by law enforcement. Contact the FBI, open a case, and let them take care of it.

You could try the FBI:

https://www.fbi.gov/investigate/cyber

The truth will set you free.

I would go to your employer and fill them in on everything in your post.

That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard, but it will certainly be right.

Relax. Its not against the law to be naked. (Unless you are married, then that might be a problem.)

Isn't this a fairly common scam?

Yes. I know I'm an idiot.

I'm not calling you an idiot. If it's a scam, that gives you a little better direction on how to handle it.

I don't have direct experience dealing with this. But if it's a scammer, they're probably much less likely to leave you alone if they think there's any possibility of getting any more money from you.

I'll let others with a better understanding of this weigh in on how to navigate out of the scam.

Not to discount women also scamming… I was thinking it’s probably a dude making a living blackmailing people online.

There's a lot of good advice here. So I'll add a philosophical perspective.

Right now, your biggest problem is not losing your job, but your fear of losing your job. The attacker has weaponized this against you. You say you are in a bad situation financially, but you also mentioned you could do a non-dev job as a stop gap. That implies to me that losing the job would be a set back, but not a catastrophic set-back. You could find another dev job eventually.

Then the first thing to do is reassure yourself that the fear of losing your job is almost surely disproportionately large relative to how bad it would actually be.

Secondly, you remove the weapon. Either tell you company that this happened, following the useful advice in the comments on how to do that. Alternatively, take a note from Trump and Shaggy -- commit to outright denial no matter what. Even if you sent photos that include your face and your company badge, deny-deny-deny!

Either way, make a commitment to accept whatever comes next.

The weapon is your primary obstacle, because you've given money. Now the scammer will try to bleed you even if you switch jobs.

Why did you send her anything at all? Most of these people never follow through on these threats. And if they do… Who cares if someone, especially your employer, sees your naked body? As an employer, I’d have a good laugh at your expense and send you back to work.

Hahaha well you sound like an excellent employer. It's not so much that I care in the sense that I'd be embarrassed, but am just scared of losing what is currently desperately needed income. If she had the contact info of just my boss I'd probably text them and be like "Hey you should know about x". But she has the contact info of several coworkers, including female coworkers, and I fear that the discomfort it would cause them could be grounds for firing.