The vision you outlined is great, except it doesn't work. The trust assumptions are too high, and even a great product like Tailscale seems to rely completely on centralized identity providers (you have to choose Google, Microsoft, or Github on sign-in).
Ultimately, if you want to maintain full control of your online identity and network, you'll probably need some of the decentralized (but economically aware) resources you seem to have issues with — or at the very least a means of transitioning authentication to private key methods with DIDs.