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Comment by derbOac | Hacker News Reader

I'm going to offer a hot take just for the sake of consideration, which is that at some level, for many things in a relationship, it doesn't matter if someone is actually a good listener, it is whether or not they are perceived to be a good listener that matters. That is, part of "being a good listener" is that the person being listened to feels listened to.

This doesn't mean anyone who is extroverted can't be a good listener, regardless of how you define it, but it does suggest that whatever this pattern is in the paper, it's the thing that matters most?

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Yeah related to this: another interpretation of this paper's findings could be that what's important is not listening per se, merely putting the other person's interests above your own. For example, if I hear and remember every word you say but am still very adamant about putting in my two cents for ego reasons, then yes, I did listen but I'm still putting myself first.

So I agree with you in the sense that merely letting the other person speak and giving them enough attention to appear like you're listening is still putting their interests first. Though, if you're already there, why not actually listen? Or if you really don't want to listen, sounds like not a great relationship...

Really depends on your relationship and their expectations IMO.

If you don't lord it over them you can generally get away with being pretty blunt. Judge but give no consequence otherwise. Like, you were definitely the assole here or wrong to do that but I feel ya.

I think this is very dependent on context. For example, if we both know this is a one-off interaction and we're unlikely to see each other again, then it's good manners to give a shallow illusion of attentiveness, and use just enough mental energy to handle the interaction appropriately. On the other hand, if we have an ongoing connection, then I think it's pretty shitty to be dishonest about how much attention you're giving the conversation.

It's even OK with me to switch from the first strategy to the second mid-conversation if the situation changes, with something like "Sorry, I was on autopilot for a minute. I think I'm following now."

I agree with you. Also, in a long term relationship it will become evident pretty quickly if someone is a good listener vs a good pretend listener.

That's only true for superficial relationships. For anything deeper - friendship, relationship, parental relationship, even a deeper professional relationship - it's important that the other person hears, understands, and remembers what you say. Because it may well be important later.

Obviously no one expects perfect recall, especially of conversations from some time ago. But active listening and remembering are important in building up an accurate picture of the other person, and deep mirroring relies on deep and useful insight.

It's a completely different kind of interaction to superficial nodding and mirroring.

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