Comment by asiachick | Hacker News Reader

Comment by asiachick | Hacker News Reader

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(1) Healthiest = great social circle at work that bleeds into social circle out of work

(2) Less healthy = great social circle at work, separate great social circle outside of work

(3) Even less healthy = no social circle at work (just a job), great social circle outside work

(4) Worse = great social circle at work, no social circle outside of work (I never seen this situation. If you have a great social circle at work it's practically inevitable you'll do things outside of work)

(5) No social circle anywhere

This being HN I know lots of people will rebel against (1) but there are tons of stories about friends starting companies together and you can be sure they loved spending time together both at work and outside of work.

Just to make it more concrete I can't personally imagine The Beatles just calling their music "a job" and not getting close to their fellow band members. Sure that's a band but it's not really different from other famous business friend founders. I'm pretty confident Larry and Sergei socialized with each other outside of work. Hewlett and Packard. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak were certainly friends when starting Apple and socialized outside work.

(4) is common among people who move internationally more than once or twice. Making friends as an adult is already difficult, and knowing that you will move on after a couple of years makes it even more difficult. You have a reason to socialize with your coworkers, so they will become the center of your new social life. If you moved to a popular expat destination, you may be able to find other expats who are similarly disconnected from normal life. Beyond that, making friends requires crossing cultural barriers, which takes a lot of effort and extraversion.

Your rankings make no sense to me. I don't understand why you deem someone who has separate social circles inside and outside of work as "less healthy".

Agreed. This appears to be the most best, and also most resilient option.

God forbid you run into issues with your outside social circle, you've still got your work circle, and the other way around.

I've only had option #1 happen once, and it was when I encouraged a few friends to apply at my company, and even then, it didn't really merge the social circles, I just had some people which were in both. I wouldn't do it again, either.

It's great to have multiple groups of friends, they don't all need to be related through work.

Yeah; the few times I've suggested friends apply for jobs where I work, it's always been with the understanding "in a department different than mine". It's "hey, the culture, comp, and work here is pretty good, you might like it", not "let's work together".

I think what they suggested is actually the reverse: coworkers becoming friends, not friends becoming coworkers.

It makes sense in a way, when you spend 7+ hours a day with those people, you're bound to find some common interests that could bring you closer. What's hard is maintaining those friendships once they're no longer coworkers, as usually those "common interests" are mostly about the company's.

The comment I was responding to listed "and it was when I encouraged a few friends to apply at my company" as the only time they had #1 happen. I was responding to that.

I would put your choice (2) to be the healthiest. In my experience when you change jobs the social circle from work gradually atrophies.

100%. I've had...three people in my life who I stayed close to after changing jobs. Two of them I worked with in two different workplaces, which I think is a large reason why (the relationship necessarily was > a single workplace), but even then, I'm not working with them, have in fact moved across the country from them, and so the relationships have atrophied some (though we still talk periodically).

The third I married.

This seems a little too idealistic, I'm afraid. It'd be amazing to have friends from work with whom one could start companies outside etc. But most folks perceive a job as just "a source of income", nothing more. And that is healthy on its own, otherwise we're in a perpetual servitude of the employers, because we link our personal happiness to "the job".

Are you under 40? I think when I was in my 20s and early 30s I would agree on (1). But when I got married and had kids case (2) became optimal, because my social circle filled up with people who had kids of the same age / went to the same school.

The pandemic then pushed me between (2) and (3) - good social circle at work etc.

(4) is me, as I have a wife and young son. I have great friendships and relationships in work, but my non-work time is with my family. Not as rare as you’d think.

This entire list would only make sense to people who actually work in offices.

(1) Healthiest - Doing my morning work at a place where I know a few other coders who like to chat but don't bug me

(2) Less healthy - Same thing, but in the afternoon with beer.

I couldnt disagree more. Maybe if your goal is to start a company with the people you work with this might be true...

But work friends should not be your main friends. It's like saying your main friends should be a group of bowlers but at any moment on any day your local bowling alley could decide you are banned or that if you decide another bowling alley is better you dont get to bring your new friends to it.

Having a social group at work is great but having boundaries between work and personal is much healthier.

> (1) Healthiest = great social circle at work that bleeds into social circle out of work

Lol, in my experience mixing groups of friends has rarely been a good idea.

This is horrible advice

I have nothing in common with most of my coworkers. We're all at different ages with different cultural backgrounds, and a split of men and women.

Work is not a place to make friends.

>(1) Healthiest = great social circle at work that bleeds into social circle out of work

seems like it would lead to dating and that could be problematic for various well known reasons.

I'll be #5 no matter what. At least WFH I can see my daughter when I'm not working.

You're not in situation (5), you're in (3).

So 5 is basically “the hole” in prison?

Do you have any sources for these claims? Especially regarding (1). And why (2) is less healthy?

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