My parents did the best they could with what they had available to them at the time. But it still messed me up, and I've decided not to have kids myself.
> But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships!
oh hey it me!
When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I couldn’t even consider or conceive of it.
I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager! I would daydream about how I would be so much better of a parent.
Now I realize I wouldn't do better at all. It's incredibly hard. So I understand my parents much better now, but it's still hard for me to feel love and affection for them after everything that happened.
I think you might be able to do better but it’s not really a black and white comparison. Maybe better for some things, and worse for other things. I look at my own parenting today and am proud that I am NOT doing some of the things my dad did, but I don’t think of myself as better or worse overall. I’m just happy that what I’m doing makes sense to me, and produces pretty awesome feedback from my kids and especially my wife.
She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements.
When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another.
And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent".
It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship.
I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.
What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html
This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way.
If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there.
Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.
Which brings me to another point that I've come to believe, which is that, people shouldn't have kids without having first dealt with their own egos and grown significantly through it. Otherwise, we end up power-struggling with our children and take away the only thing they need most, ie genuine love and affection from the parents.
A lot to unpack, but that's the gist of it.
It would probably help to read that book itself to see if you notice any of those behaviors in yourself. If you do, seeking out therapy could help you learn to handle those issues in a more healthy way.
And all that being said: being a parent is incredibly hard. Be forgiving to yourself when you're not perfect. Even the best parents in the world find it challenging, and even their kids probably resent them while they're teenagers.
You're way ahead of some other people (see my other comment in this thread about estranged parents). The fact that you try to understand, that you're able to conceive that you might do something wrong, even if not on purpose, puts you miles ahead in being a good parent. Just try to be aware of your emotions, how you talk with your children, and that you're able to understand what they're trying to tell you (this is the most important IMO). Do that, and everything else will work out.
Source: Raised by family of high-functioning narcissists.
In an odd way it's made me more empathetic to my parents, even though the memories are challenging. In my case it wasn't that they wanted to be emotionally unavailable, it's that they were dealing with their own immense internal turmoil, while still being essentially children emotionally.
EDIT: I just checked, I highlighted 116 passages.