Ask HN: Navigating a messy mind
My mental health has improved significantly over the past 10 years, but as the depression lifted and as I gained more mental clarity, I'm finding myself still struggling with some persistent patterns of thought and behaviour (potentially neurodivergent ones) that are hindering my ability to progress further in life.
I'll give some examples, though it's quite complicated to describe as a lot of these patterns are very paradoxical.
- I'm reliant on routines and predictability to feel calm and settled, while at the same time desire personal freedom and autonomy, in that I really dislike following someone else's structure/rules and don't like being controlled, micromanaged, watched.
- I have a strong aversion to discipline, and can never get any productivity/organizational methods to work. The act of trying gives me anxiety, makes me feel very detached from myself, and zaps all creativity/authenticity/enthusiasm out of me.
- I work very slowly, both at home and at work. It takes me longer to do the same tasks compared to others at work, and at home I can only accomplish just a few mundane things that take up most of my day. I think it's because I'm paying a lot of attention and being careful with everything I'm doing, and/or I'm thinking about stuff. No matter how hard I try I can't do them any faster (plus rushing = stress and still just as slow).
- I think what bothers me most is how all these things lead to my inability to get enough quality self-care. I struggle immensely with 1) finding enough time to do things I enjoy, and 2) when I get some free time I get anxious about having to use this time wisely and productively and end up not doing anything. I just want to sit down and read my books and write my essays but I can't :'(
I'm sure there's more but these are the prominant ones that really get to me.
Anyway, I've watched this youtube video on ADHD [1] and can definitely identify with several of the descriptions, though I don't believe mine is that "severe"? (I've talked to doctors and they just dismiss me as usual.) Generally, I am much happier than I used to be and things are really not that bad, but I think many of these low-lying symptoms are starting to take a toll. I really don't want to take any kind of medication for fear of side-effects and because I, again, don't think my case is that bad to require medication. I would much rather try more holistic approaches etc. That said, all suggestions and advice etc are welcome! And feel free to ask me anything and I'll try my best to answer during the little bit of time that I have.
If you want more context: I've matured a lot mentally and am more self-aware than most people around me (though I have to admit my social skills are still well below average). I've gotten to know my own thought patterns and personality tendencies inside and out, and have developed them as well (eg I can often catch my own blindspots, at least in retrospect). I've grown significantly in many directions, both personally and in my relationships. I've dealt with at least some of my past traumas and am no longer tormented by them.
[1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouZrZa5pLXk