Ask HN: How to Listen to Questions? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How to Listen to Questions?

4 pointsetamponi5 comments

I think you all have been in this situation: you are going to present your work to a large audience. You're nervous, perhaps the demo you prepared so carefully didn't play as good as you wanted. You keep going, the audience seems interested, you're happy. You finally reach the slide you're proud about.

And then a question comes. And then another question. And another. They seem critic.

And you just stop listening to the questions. You wait for them to finish, and then reply with some random sentences vaguely related with the topic of the question (if you are lucky).

That is: you just stopped listening.

The situation above is just an example. The same can happen in a chatroom, or on an email thread while you defend your design doc. The point is: it looks like your brain just does not want to listen to the question. You repeat it in your mind, and still you don't get the point.

How do you handle these situations? Do you recommend some specific approaches?

The actress Sandra Oh is one of the first persons to come to mind, when I think of how to answer questions on the spot.

She never hesitates to give herself a few seconds to ponder the question and give an answer, and she comes off as being highly reflective, thoughtful, and intelligent.

Here's an example of her taking a thoughtful pause: https://youtu.be/MaGAY_uMmcQ?t=1222 She does it throughout the video, but this particular example is a notable one.

That sounds like an anxiety response. As you said, your brain just isn't listening. The first step is recognizing what is going on - the questions have set off your anxiety and broken your ability to answer questions.

So you have two choices, if this is a live presentation:

1) Get back to a healthy place right there, quickly. There are a variety of techniques for this which will take some practice. It can be as simple as taking some deep breaths. Or more complex, such as reminding yourself that their questions are not attacks, and answering them can open dialogue that takes you all to a better product.

2) Decide that you have hit your limit, and gracefully end that part of the presentation. I recommend honesty in these cases. Say that you did not expect the questions, and you would love to answer them, but are feeling that the pressure of the surprise questions is throwing off your ability to answer them well at that moment. Ask for everyone to allow you to finish the presentation, and send questions to you, which you will answer when you have some space to put in the proper effort to writing up the answers.

If this is not live, and instead is async written communications, you are free to step away for a time and come back to it when you are ready.

I honestly recommend a brief stint in therapy to learn some CBT skills. This is exactly what they are meant for - to help you identify when anxiety or other problems are stopping you from succeeding in your daily life, and give you tools to work with in those situations. You can learn these skills fairly quickly in a few therapy sessions, so it really is more like a few weeks of training, not formal "therapy".

> You're nervous

Emotion-management is the key challenge here. Fear is the mind-killer which reduces your working memory. Your listening process was OOM-killed.

Specific suggestions:

1. Repeat the question back for the benefit of the audience.

2. Pause Believe in your right to claim time for yourself. If you're worried people are impatient, you can allay that worry by saying something like "Hmmm... Thank you. That is a GOOD question."

3. Say "I don't have the answer right now. That sounds worth looking into though...". Possibly follow it up with "I've also been curious about..." to take them on a journey with you.

4. Say "I had not prioritized that. Hmmm....".

You might think these all risk the possibility that you'll sound like you don't know what you are talking about. That is true--people being judgemental is indeed a risk. Ultimately the deeper solution here is to find a form of coaching to help you build courage.

Try to rephrase their question to them to ensure you understand it.

I think I've heard Scott Adams describe the practice on a podcast, the first step to understanding your opponent is to ask them to summarize what they think you both disagree on.

If at all possible approach each as boolean.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com