I’d love to be more at ease on uncomfortable situations. Any tips?
Whenever I find myself in an anxious or uncomfortable situation, the thing that I need to remind myself is that things are going to turn out okay for me, whatever happens. I do this by working my way up a version of Mazlowe's hierarchy:
1. Am I physically safe? Can I breathe? Can I move my body?
2. Do I have access to shelter? Do I know where my next meal will come from?
3. Are my loved ones safe? Do I have friends and people who care about me?
4. Do I have skills that I care about? Can I do work that I'm proud of?
5. Do I have a job that gives me money? That I like to do?
In pretty much any uncomfortable situation you're in (at least in the context of career improvement), almost all of these things are totally unaffected. The sun will rise tomorrow, even if I bomb this programming interview. My friends will still be my friends, even if I do a bad job networking at this event.
And the fact that so many of the good things in my life will still be good, even if an uncomfortable situation goes as badly as it can, gives me a lot more confidence.
And then, like anything else in the world: practice, practice, practice. The more uncomfortable situations you put yourself in, the more you practice reminding your brain that "everything is okay, actually," the less uncomfortable you'll feel in any given situation.
A big part of learning to deal with anxiety is understanding that an anxiety attack is rooted in a chemical, physiological response that you can't control; sometimes what you need to do is just ride it out, and let your body get back to normal.
Math problems, loud music, singing songs -- great ways to "get out of your brain's way" as my therapist used to put it.
There's a reason people keep pictures of their family at their desks; it's not just for decoration :D
I make it a point to count my many blessings (most of which you enumerate there) every day.
If you went to the gym and did a really easy workout that was comfortable.. that would be a bad gym session. The goal is to push yourself. Not to injure yourself but to go until failure.
We don't learn in the comfort zone. We learn and grow by pushing ourselves where we feel like we might fail and then pushing until we fail.
Success isn't a game of avoiding failure. Success requires learning and growing from repeated failure. Failure isn't the opposite of success, it's part of it.
Feeling dumb, not knowing where to go, having difficulty even reading and comprehending material is when we know we are engaged in building ourselves.
The same goes for work. I'm a hard worker, but I'm not gonna bust my balls at some startup so the CEO and his buddies can make a billion. Not unless I'm one of the founders.
Some people have already done a shit ton of learning and growing, and maybe they're at a different stage in their lives. Like the stage where their 30+ years of experience are extremely valuable without grinding 50 hours a week.
Regardless, everything has a cost. If you are in a place where you can spend time at your leisure then that is something to be admired. You likely paid the cost for that (by grinding 50 hours a week) up front.
For the younger crowd here, perhaps they should grind 50 hours a week so they too can build their "fortress of solitude".
But if they can do it at half the cost, that would be ideal wouldnt it?
You should, as a person, work to grow and be stronger no matter your age, whether that's squatting 400lbs or doing your water aerobics. Work the correct weight for you.
You should not bust your balls at some startup so someone else can get rich. That isn't helpful. Don't do that, regardless your age.
Umm. Actually, as far as I know, that's completely false. What you're describing is a bad way to train your body. If you're failing reps, you're training your body to fail. I.e. "one more rep" culture is misguided. You don't want stress or exhaustion hormones in your system. If your goal is enhancing your body, that is. Looking at my notes, my source is Pavel Tsatsouline #1399 episode on Joe Rogan's podcast. If you can get a hold of that podcast, it's very informative.
I won't comment on what you said about the mental aspect of failure.
You don't "train your body to fail". You may be training bad form - and form failure is failure.
For what it's worth, I'd say that it's about being at ease with being uneasy. I find it unproductive to try to get rid of uneasiness.
Mainly playing music with a group, sometimes writing and occasionally drawing or painting. It focuses me on the emotional experience and response to entering the unknown and finding flow there
There's a book called Art and Fear that nails the tao of it.
"Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking"
It's surprisingly relevant to what folks like us go through, and how we relate to our creations, intangible though they might be (at least if you're purely in software).
Their most noticeable effect on me was a dramatic decrease in anxiety, and an accompanying increase in comfort in social contexts and far less catastrophizing about challenging life situations.