Hacker News Reader

I am probably going to get downvoted into oblivion despite just sharing my lived experience, but I felt kind of similar to this on a smaller time scale for a couple days after my first and second pfizer doses. I would, at random times, have ZERO recollection of what I did in the time window starting ~20 minutes ago and ending ~20 seconds ago. Like, questioning whether my phone was stolen because there were photos in my camera roll that I was positive I had never seen before. I saw my GP about it and they suggested 8 hours of sleep with a regular schedule (I do), making sure I take a multivitamin (I do), making sure I'm getting adequate nutrition (I do), and to come back in a week if it was still happening.

Mine luckily cleared up after a few days, but I got it again the day after I got my 2nd dose, which also fortunately cleared up after a few days. Got Moderna for my booster and did not experience that with Moderna at all. I'm starting to wonder if I got unlucky and just got 2 bad batches from Pfizer or if it was possibly psychosomatic / stress-originating rather than chemical/biological.

One suggestion I have, something that helped me feel a lot more comfortable and secure in the world was asking family / close friends if they had noticed changes with me lately, and leaning on them to help me reconstruct a timeline of when it started happening. I hope that can offer assistance to you, but definitely see a doctor (or multiple doctors, if you are unsatisfied with the treatment, or want further confirmation of the diagnosis / other ideas) too if you haven't already.

It would appear that the mRNA vax triggered an uncommon autoimmune response for you. Such reactions are not common, yet have been documented. Since they are transient there has been very little attention given to them.

It is extremely unlikely that you got a bad batch of Pfizer. Moderna and Pfizer are different formulations, so having differing reactions to them is unsurprising.

> Such reactions are not common, yet have been documented.

Such reactions could be common, but people:

1) walk around clueless/don't know their bodies

2) don't report issues "How will that help me?"

I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. How do those two points connect here?

If people don't report/just assume their Dr filed the report, issues go unreported.

I suspect this is largely the case in USA at minimum.

Might be an idea to make sure you have a working carbon monoxide alarm. If you have a leak it'll build up faster than your body can get rid of it.

I have several similar memory issues, but they manifest in different ways.

Information presented verbally is almost impossible for me to remember. Lists or processes that aren't written down are worthless. For this reason, I record all my phone calls, and often have to refer back to them to get times I'm supposed to be somewhere, or other things like that. I also like to record important in person meetings so I can remember what was said.

I also have trouble forming habits. I tend to wake up at different times, eat different foods, and generally work out what I should do next from first principals, eg. "I'm hungry, so I guess I need to eat." Etc.

I tend to not connect stimuli with consequences. I have tried to become addicted to things, even going so far as trying to start smoking several times. Eventually I just forget to buy a pack, and realize later that, once again, I accidentally quit.

I always struggled with subjects in school that required memorization such as history.

On the flip side, I'm really good at quickly solving novel problems, and coming up with novel solutions to things. I'm always coming up with new ideas because I basically invent everything as I go.

You are really good at writing about yourself / supporting yourself analytically, IMO. In some ways I'd say it doesn't even seem like you have these "problems," in the sense that you are so accepting of your existential world, in which "things happen to me," as opposed to "I make things happen and they bend to my will."

IMO/TL;DR--I would't ask us with expectations of an us-fix or an us-help, unless it's just a vehicle to help you keep writing about yourself. You wrote to us about the way in which you block outside information via multiple means/effects, so you'd be swimming hard upstream. This is more common than people think.

Regarding things happening, I would look at building your own hyper-perceptive timing models for interventions. Ask yourself what's happening _to you_ today and what that means you can do well today. Stuff is sucking, OK so therefore I can really write a long journal entry about how everything sucks today. (To me this is a productive exercise, not anything defeating by a long stretch)

Regarding feedback, there are different names for this group of concerns you have.

But the fact that you're asking us to give you names for the group of concerns, also_has a group of names. And _that_ gets really interesting.

Reach out if you are interested. Otherwise I'd say--you're processing this really well and maybe asking us is the trojan-horse activity that helps you to keep writing at length about your current life conditions. Not a bad thing to be able to lean on, if that's the case.

You should see a doctor and maybe get an MRI.

Also, do you take notes? Do you do any kind of spaced repetition/actively review things from the previous day/days?

I had a similar issue that had more to do with my own aversion to writing things down and reviewing them - yeah it sounds weird, but in the same way people avoid recalling bad memories (and others recall them too often) I had a similar aversion to reviewing things I wrote down especially because sometimes I didn't remember writing it, and that's kind of scary. I needed to get over that mental block, and I still am not great at following my own advice, but using external memory/finding a trusted method is a starting point for self-medicating at least for me.

I did get an MRI, but nothing stood out and I have not sought the opinion of another.

I think that my issue is not my brain, but my mind. Of what little I know of the brain, I am a strong believer in the importance of the environment and 'neurons that fire together wire together'. Which leads me to the belief that normal people must spend a lot of time replaying events after they happened in their mind, which is something I cannot do. Can I remember I met Bob and we talked? Yes. Can I remember any details of what we talked about? No. I cannot replay a conversation in my head whatsoever. If you and I talked about programming, I would forget everything you said but might remember you mentioned a cool library, but I will forget its name.

I have to admit, I just get depressed when I start to take notes. I feel like these are basic things I am supposed to remember, and I tell myself I can remember them, and I should, and I just need to put the effort in. If I have a meeting, I take bullet point notes because I cannot write quickly, and after getting in front of a computer I try to recreate as much as I can from the bullet points. If my boss tells me to do something, I have to hope it is in written communication so I can refer back to it completely. I am basically making every excuse to not take the small steps like proper note-taking and doing Anki to stay sharp and generally just do not wish to think about myself.

When I do take notes, I notice I have a deep seated fear to read them again. Something about reading my own writing revolts me.

Carry a mini tape recorder and tape everything. Then play it back to yourself later.

I'm not a doctor but you might also consider therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy.

That feeling of depression you get when trying to do the bare minimum to help your memory sounds similar to myself w/ note taking. You may also consider getting a buddy/mentor that can help encourage you and make you feel less bad about making progress on yourself.

The more you talk about this the more similar it sounds to my own issues, so all I can say is don't beat yourself up. I have a hard time establishing new routines and holding myself accountable to things like personal maintenance work (like re-reading notes), but I do keep trying, and so should you :)

Also sometimes I just decide, nah, if I can't keep it in working memory it's not important and move on. I've definitely lost friends because of this, but what's the point of maintaining that relationship if I literally can't.

As a slight tangent, I'm curious if you feel a strong aversion to recording your own voice/recording a scripted video of yourself? I recently found out that I get paralyzed with dread when I have to record myself - it's quite hard for me to speak when not speaking to an audience and from my stream of consciousness. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

How are you so sure other people are so good at remembering things without notes? ;)

Maybe other people are more open to bullshitting, working with incomplete information.

We sound like we have similar “instantaneous” approaches to life (though mine does not sound nearly as intense). Some of the other commenters have said interesting things that could be helpful.

My point here is only that some part of the magnitude of your symptoms could be accounted for by differences other than deficiencies in your cognitive ability. Like one way this would be easy to do would be to have an inflated sense of other people’s capabilities. Interesting post, I appreciate you sharing this and I wish you all the best.

E.g. I don’t expect you to remember a word of this comment, nor would I expect that of anybody. By tomorrow, my best hope is that your reading it the day prior has integrated itself in some tiny way into your understanding of yourself. You won’t remember me. Cheers

I second all the comments to talk to a doctor. There are absolutely medical reasons for memory problems which they can help not only diagnose but also plan treatments and recovery assistance.

Look into doing a QEEG might help identify something for you to start on.. maybe try and do a FMRI instead as well. For the record, the “brain mapping” technique of a QEEG is highly debated (I think) by science / the neuro folks.. but there’s anecdotal evidence everywhere online or on Reddit from individuals saying positive things. From what I’ve read it’s a clinical tool to be used additionally in terms of diagnosing learning disabilities mainly (ADHD, Autism), there might be research in regards to memory out there?

For me, I fell on the subject of QEEGs as I had similar epiphanies in self-awareness in terms of my "executive functions" and certain aspects of it. Currently in the process of scheduling an appointment at a nearby clinic that does it.

Can’t provide more insight on the actual condition or the possible areas affected in your brain, but I can suggest maybe adding some neurofeedback training to your routine.

I just picked up a https://www.mendi.io/ not sure if it’s going to be a dust collector yet but I’m giving it a chance.

There’s this scientist on YT that reviews these products very well and also has affiliate links that provide a bit of a discount on the devices.

https://youtube.com/c/Techforpsychinnovations

Sounds like some kind of amnesia. You need to talk to a doctor.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anterograde_amnesia

Than you for that link. It seems like that is quite interesting and relevant, as from that article I learned about the terms episodic (autobiographical) and semantic (factual) memory. I have terrible episodic memory, but my semantic memory seems to be okay for technical subjects.

Are you functioning okay otherwise? We all have quirks in our thinking. Many are not aware of this, and you may be acutely aware. Can you just accept your quirks, make affordances when necessary, and be at peace?

I am functioning at a certain level, but I am certainly not proud of the level I am at. It is not a matter of accepting my quirks, it is that I wish to understand them as well.

Maybe in the moment you go along with what is correct. Like, with the git example, in the moment you believe your coworker is good at git because she helped you. But after that situational event happens, you go back to your normal state. You might be going along with it in the moment, but not critically analyzing your thoughts and seeing how they are different? My theory only holds up if you are mostly oblivious to your thoughts having been different before.

The thing is your talking about your opinions and mindsets more than your "memory". You didn't mention having typical memory issues, like forgetting what you did or where you are in a project or that random thing your boss told you to do. This might be more of a psychological thing than a medical thing. If your doctor doesn't think it's medical in nature, you might want to get a Therapist. I know people don't like therapy, but therapy can give you a lot of personalized advice on how to adjust to your own experience wayy better than random internet nerds.

Well, the memory of her being good at git will not be a memory that appears when I meet her again without really trying to access it, but the memory still exists. It's the change in my opinion that disappears entirely - as if the priors for my beliefs are getting reset.

Number one are you getting enough sleep?

Number two are you taking any drugs like Benzodiazepines?

Are you spending your days during the same thing or uninteresting things?

Are you going to the gym because that is one thing that you can’t forget if you’re dedicated. The results will be there on full display And you will know that you accomplished that with hard work over time

Interesting post, thanks for sharing. I can relate a bit in that I also have poor autobiographical memory. I feel a bit like an android in Westworld where-in everyday, the android forgets what happened the previous day and reverts back to core programming.

My Dad is also similar in having poor autobiographical memory and so I think it is at least partly genetic. I use tools to help improve my memory. One of them is Otter.AI which is good for capturing conversations with other people and with making voice memos so at least that makes it possible to review past conversations and ideas. Another thing that I'm trying recently is using Google Docs as an index, basically just actively making an effort to remember previous conversations and writing down the key points in the Google Doc.

IMO, you should seriously consider seeing a doctor. I had a very similar thing for years and it turns out that my actual problem is sleep apnea and ADHD. Working on those two problems has made a world of difference to my ability to function.

I am not a health professional, but:

Are you getting feedback from actual people in the real world? Do you have a stable living situation? Are you eating well, and getting exercise and lots of fresh air, and not experiencing gaslighting?

If your environment is unstable or air quality is poor, then it might be possible that the stress and disruption from those could explain the symptoms you are experiencing. Again though, I have no training so take this with salt.

Stress is the most underrated cause of mental health issues.

I would recommend reading Steps to an Ecology of mind. I have a great deal of disdain for the bateson name but i found this work very uplifting shortly after a concussion. If you'd like to talk about some of the exercises i undertook to serialize my stream of conciousness please reach out.

If you try to read those comments here every day and try to recall what you've read ahead of reading it again, how far into the comment go?

This sounds like an amazing tech lament poem.

This is common in people with ADHD

Hi there, just commenting to say that I have been struggling with this the past few years and I have never seen someone describe how I felt so accurately. I'm about 30 but I remember starting to feel this way around the time I was in college, part of me is scared I damaged myself with binge drinking / pseudo-alcoholism in my early 20s. But I was always a cram-for-tests-then-forget-literally-all-of-it person in highschool and college, so maybe not.

I've been wondering if I am too 'in the moment' and don't do enough self-examination of the past. It seems some people get stuck replaying conversations or events over and over and thinking about them, whereas I do that almost not at all. I wonder if that rumination / self-examination is a core part of the memory forming process. I also wonder if aphantasia is related as I lean towards the non-visual end of the spectrum, or sort of a quiet / subdued inner monologue as I am the type that prefers to speak aloud to myself to think things through rather than silently ponder, not to say that I can't think silently. I also wonder if there's some need for idle time in the brain, and if our constant stimulation via content in the form of news, reddit, youtube, podcasts, etc. is deleterious to memory formation because my brain doesn't get any boredom or downtime. Perhaps that downtime is necessary for memory formation. I also wonder if my daily coffee habit might worsen it, or my once or twice a week moderate alcohol intake. Those are two things I should probably give up but it's really hard. I've also considered getting rid of my smartphone or going to a dumbphone to see if my brain uses the periods of boredom to do something useful and my memory improves. But that's such a hard decision to pull the trigger on as a digital addict.

Have you made any efforts to combat this by doing introspection or making daily attempts to recall or remember or store information? I haven't actually taken any steps to address this condition but it's been feeling more urgent and deserving of intervention. Have been considering a daily journaling habit to see if writing down biographical events will help cement them in my memory (and to have the artifact to go back and get info from). I also wonder if memory is a muscle and when one doesn't exercise 'remembering' their autobiographical information if that muscle weakens, and then perhaps the memory-write step also decays as well due to disuse/lack of need.

For the most debilitating part of this is having to relearn something that a coworker told me or explained a week or a month or six months ago, which I find embarrassing or insulting to them, and then the other thing is not being able to remember who I told what information to or I'll remember a personal detail or story someone told me on a date but then not be sure what individual told me the detail or story. Like 'is this the girl who told me her father died when she was young or was that my friend or another person I went on a date with last week'. It makes me feel like they will think I don't care about them when I can't remember important things they shared like being abused or something about their family. I've started taking notes on new people I meet and adding hobbies we have in common, things I like about them, etc.

edit: one other thing I thought of, it may be worth getting a sleep study done. could be a deficit of some part of the sleep cycle.

And another thing is, I wonder if this is hereditary as I remember as a child my father would forget what foods I liked and disliked and I'd have to always remind him and I felt so confused and like he had no memory, and my grandma would behave similarly. There'd be moments where I felt like they were really stupid, but now I look back and feel like maybe they had the same experience I do. Or there'd be situations that I look at now and think 'he couldn't remember whether something was true about me or true about my brother, but he remembered that one of us did / said / had that property'.

I am glad to have found someone suffering from the same issue. I have been stuck like this since the beginning of high school I think.

I live in the moment in the worst way possible as well. I am not looking looking at myself critically either. I do believe active rumination of conversations, events and what you learn is incredibly important, but for me I cannot do it whatsoever. Recalling a conversation in detail is almost impossible, it is like my brain is there to just hear specific things I can act on, such as "Jira ticket". I suffer from aphantasia as well as you. I think media, entertainment and browsing the internet has become a substitute for thinking, as it is certainly true for me. I do not listen or read critically. To me, that means constantly asking yourself what that person is really trying to say, what are they trying to lead you to believe, what assumptions are they making, and most importantly why they are saying it. I understand critical thinking and listening can be done, but I am just so passive in my thinking. I am definitely a digital addict as well, and I find myself going to ycombinator and reddit without any conscious thoughts, it is just a motorized habit.

I have not thought of doing daily attempts at introspection. I remember reading about how for some people their nightly habit was getting in bed and replaying the days events, and I had never thought of that until I read it. Usually I just zone out as much as possible trying to fall asleep immediately. I am a strong believer as you are that the brain is a muscle, and that what you do not practice you do not better in, at least when it comes to recollecting. I remember reading about how people revisited memories that made them happy, and I never do that. It makes me feel terrible to think how I could have been focusing on good memories, instead of seeming to have some primordial fear of ever accessing my autobiographical memory.

I know what you mean when it comes to remembering things people tell you. Someone I know used to say that if you forget it means you do not care, and it just made me feel horrible all the time. I have forgotten about many important things that I care about, and it pains me deeply.

I hope you find out your own solution to the issue.

> I have been stuck like this since the beginning of high school I think.

There's an oft-repeated notion in the autism-spectrum community that around the puberty period (13-15 perhaps) a bunch of otherwise normal shifts that the brain goes through kinda tweak out a bit because of the autism and the mass-defragmentation process can sometimes end up culling important bits and pieces that are generally Important™. It seems that sometimes this can be unconscious stuff sadly (I generally hold that my memory got a lot worse around that period, which I incidentally don't remember too well too).

Also, just as a... thought experiment, and just for reference, there's a very important focus distinction that I personally only really twigged to the existence of (let alone importance of) quite recently, that being the difference between active/concerted focus and relaxed focus. The former is front-and-center cause-and-effect, while the latter is more "in the zone" and meditative. I've realized that the brain shifts between both models subconsciously for example as part of daydreaming, but that consciously identifying those splits can be as useful as they are tricky. For example, for me, reasoning about something just a step or two beyond my current frame of reference requires using relaxed focus, as the thing I'm thinking about will just fizzle out and I'll find myself thinking about something else. In the same vein I find that focusing on the idea that I'll be able to concertedly do something, and see it through, beyond first-order acute focus, also requires reasoning about the capabilities and capacities of relaxed focus.

I hilariously got my current mental model of relaxed focus from a ferret training book :D I happened to leaf through a few years ago. It explained that when training a ferret it can be useful to put a leash on it and use the leash to anchor it to your lap, not allowing it to jump down and explore. Only once it has accepted the situation it's in will it kick into idle gear (relaxed focus) and, ferrets being ferrets, it'll most likely curl up and promptly fall asleep.

My point here is primarily to illustrate the direct link between relaxed focus and introspection, and to point out that if you're using "this is everything" acute focus the entire time for all the things that you may have trained your brain out of leveraging relaxed focus. It's also very possible that internal imbalances and/or chronic disorientation from perpetual micro-reorientation (from ADHD / autism) might (I personally found this was the case) perpetuate a state of mind that doesn't settle enough to access this sort of thinking pattern.

Go to a doctor and get a memory test done, they know a lot about this stuff. Also you might consider getting tested for ADHD. Also you might have in general high stress levels. Stress inhibits memory formation. A neuropsychological assessment would not be a bad idea.

I can't recall specific conversations either. The brain long term is also designed to forget things that don't make an impact. So one way to make things stick is to add an emotional component (but not too much). A lot of people for a long time remember exactly where they were on 9-11 or some significant event. But also remember that memory is fungible and what people think happened maybe did not. I thought I failed AP calculus and in fact the opposite was true.

You are not wrong about information overload though. I imagine a lot of folks distract themselves from something and then forget to go back to it. Some of that is normal aging. Again since you mentioned high school, get assessed for ADHD. I have to write things down because I will forget them. I have to use a calendar w/ reminders because I will forget about meetings all the time. When I was younger I had no problems.

Introspection is a skill people need to learn. It is related to planning and organization.. so executive function (again ADHD). But you are also demonstrating introspection by examining your own memory.

Also alcohol and substance abuse impairs memory but to the other poster, if you've stopped drinking you will find your memory largely returns. There is probably a cliff in terms of neuronal death but your not likely there due to the fact that you can participate on Hacker News and are otherwise functional.

I have similar issues. My memory is horrible at best.

I struggle to remember basic things. When I was studying electronics I would always forget if the red wire should be live or the black (that was not a good trait).

I can have a conversation in the morning with my wife and forget it by the time I get home from work. With the right triggers I can remember the entire conversation but finding those triggers is hard.

Often I bluff my way through situations until I remember. My father spoke of similar issues. I noticed that as he was struggling with terminal cancer and heavily medicated he was very good at bluffing when he had no idea what was going on.

Yet if you ask me a general knowledge question I can probably recall to the finest detail. I have a great memory for concepts and an ability to connect things that others struggle with.

I have learnt a few things about myself over the years. Maybe sharing them can help others.

Burnout is real and a memory killer. I cannot learn, I can hardly function when burnt out. It creeps up slowly and has a terrible long-lasting impact.

I can get in a state of constant rush, I feel an urgency to get everything done and frustration with the slow pace. This destroys my working memory and prevents me from learning new concepts. If I can remain calm and focused I can achieve great things. Taking it slow and methodically takes discipline but the rewards are huge.

Keeping my space and mind clean also pays off. I used to feel I didn't have the time to keep things tidy. Now I don't have the time not to. The more order I have around me the less I feel rushed and panicked.

Some of the right kinds of music with noise-cancelling headphones can help focus. I like Binaural beats for this. White noise also works well but I don't like the high pitch tones.

Lots of planning and diagrams help. I often attempt to keep too many details in my head and get overwhelmed. Writing down a design first helps. I can narrow my focus to the thing I'm working on. Resisting the need to rush here helps as well. I often want to skip the planning phase. But even if no one reads my documents the thinking that goes into them helps me organise my thoughts.

If I have burnout or depression it will take a long time to recover and working hard in non-technical / thinking roles is the best way for me.

Spelling and punctuation are not my strong points. I can't seem to remember how to spell words. Correctly spelt words often look wrong to me and look up the spelling only to find I had it correct. As a result my code sometimes suffers from inconsistent spelling of variable names. Languages like Perl are really hard for me. I can't remember how to dereference a hash or turn off buffered outputs as the commands are so small and abstract. My memory can't connect them to anything meaningful and I just can't seem to learn them. Dynamic languages I get a bit lost in. JS I can work with but in larger projects, I long for static type to help my memory. But give me a strongly typed language and automated tests and all my problems go away. I love C#, F#, Java and SQL. I can move so fast and effortlessly.

If I'm distracted and surfing Reddit too much, then I'm unhappy about something. I need to sort that out to get productive agian. I can't allow myself to soothe over the issue with distraction.

I've often mused that in like 100 years we'll (...hopefully...) have an entire lexicon of mnemonics and conveyances to express what's going on in the mind. It's currently like we're 12 month olds bashing blocks together and learning our first words.

Within the framework of thus-established understanding, I'd wager this might classify as ADD. It's a form of attention deficit: the process of collecting, prioritizing and storing stimulus isn't working properly, despite generally laser-focused intentions otherwise.

While carrying some heavy-ish bags a short distance from A to B after a long day, I observed that the muscles in my forearms abruptly started to loosen/weaken over the course of a couple seconds and that progressively greater effort was needed in that moment to strain to keep my hands closed over the bag handles. (I quickly put the bags down realizing my muscles were going "429 too many requests" (lol) and that pushing things would probably be Bad™.) I generally compare AD(H)D and my focus issues to the same sort of model; my intention is pretty much "I am <here> and I want to be <there>", but in practice I feel like my willpower to carry that sort of intention out is sitting atop a box on an oil slick on a non-level surface, such that whenever I need to mentally self-check where I'm up to with whatever I realize my frame of reference has gone and moved *again* and I have to recalibrate where <here> is so I can start over. The disorientation can be tiring.

That's the best specific description of how I experience ADHD myself (it mostly affects finding the same task interesting for long periods of time) - but I think I can kind of see some related sentiment in how you describe your memory issues, particularly the disconnect between what you describe as "active" memory and... whatever the other thing is that you're supposed to have but is replaced with empty space (I'm missing it too, and have a great time forgetting ideas and connections between things - usually the "!!!" dynamic of how A relates to B... aaand it's gone).

The note-taking issues are curious. I also have a problem writing things down, which currently surfaces as a glitch wherein anything that goes onto paper that isn't a finished, done, thing... is basically worthless. Like, once something goes onto paper or a screen, it's *done*, no further editing or review to happen. (Somehow, mercifully, programming is an exception (!).) This basically negates list-writing. I wonder if this is because something's hitting a cognitive-dissonance trigger: perhaps some part of the brain is underdeveloped or otherwise not providing the "full-resolution" signal that it's supposed to send elsewhere, but still hitting certain notes that cue the destination to go "this is good data"... I mean for myself I just feel like the data I'm getting from my own writing is just... plain old unsettling, like a kid wrote it and I'm expected to take it seriously, or something.

I've actually had this for years.

Ask HN: I am stateless – trouble learning from feedback