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> but on my Mac Mini, the battery life is dismal.

Possible typo? The Mac Mini does not have a battery.

That's why the battery life is so dismal.

No, no, that’s why the battery life is amazing!!!

It always does what I expect when I unplug it...

That mac /is/ going to run off the power stored in the PSU capacitors for a few (hundred?) ms after you unplug it.