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Comment by alexfromapex | Hacker News Reader

I've had to mentor a junior engineer recently and there has been lots of insubordination and questioning my knowledge, which I'm actually quite sure of, which has really been annoying. I think it stems from my approach of humility which inexperienced engineers mistake as lack of knowledge. Would not recommend being insubordinate or questioning your mentor if they have decades more experience than you or they will stop being your mentor.

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As someone with a fairly confrontational style who has later grown older and more battle scared, I think you’re missing an important aspect of mentoring.

Mentoring isn’t about telling the person what to do, it’s about leading them to realize the thing you’re teaching on their own. Telling doesn’t work, they haven’t experienced the pain! Things you take for granted, they think are stupid. Because they don’t know!

Incessant questioning is a fantastic way to learn. The only other way than painful experience.

And remember, you are sure of your knowledge. To them it sounds like alien speak. They can’t relate.

Mentoring isn’t about telling the person what to do, it’s about leading them to realize the thing you’re teaching on their own.

I'd take this a step further. Depending on how similar the career tracks are for the mentor and mentee, mentors often won't or can't know the right answer for the specific situation the mentee is in. As a mentor, your role isn't necessarily to have the answer either, it's just to help them figure it out for themselves one way or another.

> Incessant questioning is a fantastic way to learn. The only other way than painful experience.

I am a questioner, but my group seems to be filled with people who aren't. How do you mentor those that seem to enjoy the pain route? I have trouble assuming that they'll ask questions when they need help.

I think my group is unique where most are highly educated, but from a non-software field, now doing software probably 50% of their time. From what I've noticed, the higher the degree in this non-software field, the fewer questions they ask, and the more comfortable they are with their confusion, even making up strange illogical explanations rather than attempting any real understanding. This group has cemented the idea that knowledge and problem solving ability are completely orthogonal.

Two approaches that I’ve seen help with this. Should be done in parallel

1. You fix by making this a hiring signal. I like to dig into candidates until they say “I don’t know”. Great signal

2. If a task is in progress for more than 1 day, you get help from the team. No buts

I just stop mentoring people like that. Their loss, and honestly I don’t want to spend my time around such people anyway because some personality traits are just incompatible to work with.

As someone who spent quite a few year freelancing before getting employed, I had a hard time dealing with mentors and adjusting to the corporate world. Especially when those mentors were themselves still a bit inexperienced in their role.

I believe that a mentor relationship should be a two way street as I find that I learn best by teaching others but most people just want to have their ego stroked and feel attacked if you bring your own experience. The fact that I was able to solve most of my problems myself drove them mad.

So I had to learn bite my tongue and never argue or let them feel that I might know anything they don't.

Can I ever relate to this. I too like to consider myself to actually be very humble in my interactions. The person that was my junior was a complete pain to deal with. And then, the icing on the cake was when the project didn't meet its absurd timeline and I was berated for it.

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