Find more ways to be an outsider
theatlantic.com
theatlantic.com
Mr Google doesn't seem to recognise the difference between resistor and resister, judging by the grey wiggly underline in Chrome. That's quite awful, especially now.
Never heard of anything like that https://europa.eu/youreurope/citizens/travel/entry-exit/eu-c...
> it is still always highly recommended to take a passport or ID card with you, so you can prove your identity if needed (if stopped by police, boarding a plane, etc.).
That's my Hacker News story in a sentence also.
That said, I’m fairly certain that you’re allowed to decline showing your ID if you’re being stopped for no reason by police, but they can then take you to the station for identification you or let you go. And it depends on the country. In France I remember it’s very common for the police to “randomly” stop a certain kind of people and ask for ID on the spot. The picking of the “random” people wasn’t legal because as you might have guessed they were not so random, but police was allowed to card and anyone had to comply while on French territory.
Do you mean that the PC view is that 1. the police are not strongly biased (which doesn’t fit the view of political correctness at least in the countries where I’ve lived) or that 2. the police are only strongly biased in certain countries but not the world over? Or something else?
I grew up not being white enough to be white, not hispanic enough to be hispanic, never quite fit in anywhere and I think it sucked. Maybe the bullying built some character or something? hah. I don't feel real attachment to any culture. I visited the country one of my grand parents came from and felt no connection to the culture or the people other then I looked a little like them.
Eventually I ended up moving across the country, NY to California. I don't really feel like a californian, but after a few years out here, The region of NY where I grew up doesn't really feel like home anymore. My family is mostly spread out now too. Its a weird feeling. I think I would attribute my "success" more to winning the lotto by being into computers at the right time then anything like growing up on the outside.
The advice overall is probably fine, yeah go out and do new things that aren't comfortable. Glamorizing feeling like an outcast doesn't feel right to me. It would be interesting to hear what the authors kid thinks from their perspective too, instead of the parent who chose all of this. there could be some bias. Quick, post, Ive had lots of thoughts about feeling like an outsider.
Interestingly, while I ended up going into industry as health permitted, my connections forged while pursuing the above heterodox research has allowed for me to do plenty of economic consulting as well as helping shore up research at various non-profits/think tanks in the policy space.
I'm also always happy to speak to HN users about anything I post - feel free to email me at alex <at> staqq.co
I don't know, there are two sides to every coin: it sucks on many levels to be an outsider. Maybe it's the wrong question to ask about 'happiness', it may well be that one is achieving less as an outsider, on average, but that one is assigning more value to the achievements, as one may have had to work harder compared to the insiders in order to get to where you are... (speaking as a TCK - third-culture kid; never heard of this term before)
Still, I very much value the added perspective granted by having been exposed to a different set of cultures, it's a very precious thing to me.
Also there may just be some element of Survivorship bias in this kind of observation. There is this kind of logic: 'what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger', still some don't manage to cope, unfortunately.
Being an outsider helps you see through some of the self-deceit that goes unexamined in a society, and it gives you an opportunity to reflect on your own blind spots. It also gave me the opportunity to spend a lot of time in the wilderness and develop a real connection and understanding of the land I was living in. Maybe far more so than people who have lived there for generations, but are caught up in the Human world, for who the landscape is just a destination/backdrop/resource.
I see it every day that there are clear opportunities in being a bridge between different worlds: it provides authority where none might otherwise be warranted, dramatically cuts down on jingoism and traditionalism, provides perspective on one's true condition, and opens one to experience the different, which is a great way to find ones true place in the world.
But it can also be brutally lonesome. It's probably more so for me than for my kids, but feeling effectively unable to ever access certain circles, far away from your most trusted friends, and struggling to navigate the codes and conventions of a different society - it can be very, very hard. It definitely made me more self-sufficient, but that's not necessarily a good thing all the time. If the local culture not just ignores you but actively rejects you, it can also be pretty scary (and costly).
It's also something that TCKs don't get to choose. I can blame myself for my status, but they should not blame themselves - and still I fear they might. One of them is clearly struggling a bit with reconciling his multiple identities, and I fear it will get worse as he moves into adolescence.
Kids that partially grew up in one culture and then moved to another are particularly at risk for depression and loneliness. For example, imagine the cruelty of fellow children to a child who doesn't speak the language very well. Even a slight accent is cause for mockery by peers. Also grades will plummet as they can't keep up to the curriculum in a new language (a common thing many youth use as a proxy for self worth).
The biggest advice my mother teaches is to learn to properly grieve for lost friends (truly a skill all humans need anyway) and how to complete stress loops in healthy ways like exercise, crying, and yelling. Stress loops that don't complete can become deep emotional wounds for years.
As a TCK, I prefer the company of other TCKs, and often form deep bonds with them quickly. We've both "seen things" and can relate to each other, even if we both grew up in totally different countries. I married a TCK, and find most of my friends as TCKs.
The good news is it really does give a person a life long perspective that more people deserve. The more socially fluent TCKs become excellent at casually blending into a culture. Many grow to become really good at making friends. Few take politics too seriously. Many work with people, striving to better the world we live in by helping others as teachers, doctors, social workers, and volunteers. Quite a few found comfort in the armed services, because those turn recruits into third culture adults.
The bad news is it does increase risk of depression at all ages, because you can't ever go back and unsee things. You will have opinions that are uncomfortable to locals no matter where you live. You will have sometimes grown up in a much less safe environment and have a hard time adjusting to a safer environment. I had a few incidents that caused some minor PTSD from crimes towards me and my friends growing up. White people are often considered all rich in poorer countries, so white children are more often targets for crimes ranging from small like getting ripped off at the corner store or muggings to kidnapping for ransom. Several of my friends growing up had armed robbers break in and rob their family at gunpoint. My high school crush was almost kidnapped had her Dad not jumped in the van to save her. I've been robbed a bunch of times. Growing up where it's not safe to walk to school alone causes a person to see the world very differently even long into adulthood.
In all, I wouldn't trade it for a "normal" upbringing. There was some bad, and I had to deal with some emotional issues from it. But overall I felt like I was given a very powerful gift of perspective and social skills that would enable me to thrive as an adult.
Outside perspective can be a tricky thing, because once you have it, it's very hard to lose it. I consider it a very important part of myself, and actively seek ways continue to see things from new perspectives.
If you've got TCKs, I highly recommend finding a good grief counselor for them, so they can learn how to close the stress loops. A dozen sessions could make a huge difference in their quality of life as adults, even if they seem perfectly happy and well adjusted. Many TCKs are masters of disguise and can hide away pain and sadness behind a mask for decades until a mid life crisis. Tools to deal with it as children is a fantastic help.
> In candor, I’m approaching this topic with a fair amount of bias. Being an outsider early in my adulthood was the most positive experience I have ever had. At 25, I moved to a foreign country where I didn’t speak a word of the language, and knew not one soul save for a woman I hoped to marry, but who spoke little English.
> That woman became my wife, and subsequently became an outsider in the United States.
Translation: I subjugated someone of a culture historically regarded as inferior to my own to the supremacy of western culture. Since they are now my wife, this gives me moral clearance to extol the virtues of a disadvantaged upbringing without having actually suffered any of its hardship myself, and also paint myself with an aura of pseudo-accomplishment for having experienced a mere fraction of that lifestyle.
I do think the article suffers from not acknowledging the active difficulties suffered by many forced outsiders in particular - vs his moving to another western-culture-country where there was a language barrier but not, say, a history of lynching people like him - but that's different from what you see him doing. I think he has a blind spot between the difference between his "outsider" experiences and a true "disadvantaged" experience, I don't think he's putting words in the mouth of the disadvantaged as so much as glossing over them and ignoring them. (I.e., he's a conservative pundit. :| )
I see your point in general (a bit harsh IMO) except this sentence.
As an Spaniard, I would never think of the idea of Spain as not western or perceived as inferior to the US. I needed to read it twice to understand what was being said in your comment.
This reminds me of an interview in the US Olympics where the interviewer (US) kept asking the athlete (South African I think) about being African-American. She was very confused.
It also reminds me of the time a colleague (from the US) argued that I am not white (I am Spanish), since in their mind I was a latino I guess?
With all these anecdotes I mean to politely say that while there are similarities in many ways, you cannot simply extrapolate the US perceptions on race to the whole world.
The general conclusion is that you have to have something to run away from or an opportunity to chase.
For my father it was a lucrative contract. For my SO a method of breaking away from the environment she grew up in.
Also you don't really have to travel to be an outsider. I spent a great deal of time in high school in a catholic bible study circle, even though (or actually - because) I'm an atheist. They were very kind and we had many interesting discussions.
Do you mean your parents were immigrants? Because that's what they were. Expat is the most pretentious colonialist term I can think of.
The term "expat" is indeed a leftover from British colonial times, when you look at things objectively. People who define themselves as expats are typically some sort of migrant for economic reasons, exactly the same as somebody coming from, say, Ethiopia; they just have enough money and culture to escape the label.
If we really want to look for something that differentiates expats from regular migrants, we'll find that it is a certain obstinacy to not "go native", to maintain a separatedness from the local culture even after years or decades. Which is, again, a typically colonialistic mindset.
Exactly. But isn't that true about everything ? Isn't economic/cultural capital what makes us call someone a Doctor/Sir? An expat/immigrant ?
> is a certain obstinacy to not "go native", to maintain a separatedness from the local culture even after years or decades.
Not exactly, I've met tons of immigrants who never wanted to "go native" as well as several expats who adopted their new culture as theirs.
All of this happens in people's minds and whether they ever end up leaving isn't really in the equation.
Do this quick experiment, do an image search "expats in <destination_name>" vs "migrants in <destination_name>" and compare the pictures:
See what their income appears to be, clothing, skin color and circumstances.
Dubai:
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=expats+in+dubai&t=h_&iax=images&ia...
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=migrants+in+dubai&t=h_&iar=images&...
Costa Rica:
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=migrants+in+costa+rica&t=h_&iar=im...
https://duckduckgo.com/?q=expats+in+costa+rica&t=h_&iar=imag...
For example, for 'expats in Costa Rica' I got shown a couple in an outdoor hotel, and for 'migrants in Costa Rica' I got shown the Immigration Police detaining a group from Africa and a dozen people sharing a bed.
1. Detaching yourself from the label immigrant because you feel it's demeaning
2. Assuming you are better than other people
I ran away from local companies, because they paid shitty and didn't let me work from home.
Fast forward, Corona hit, and my job didn't change, it even got better.
I've been given that advice many times and it took some deep introspection and many years to figure out what it meant and how to be myself. This might be self evident for many people, but for me discovering myself meant knowing what made me happy and unhappy. I've done that by being mindful of how I felt before/while/after doing something. This let me establish a core persona who is more influenced by past history and less by current situation. At this point just be myself is a good reminder, but starting with that advice was not helpful at all.
The time when people are least "themselves" is when we're entrenched in established groups, trying to stay "Liked", following the group-think, not risking status, saying what we think people want to hear.
The risk of being excluded from an existing group as a "defector/traitor" feels much worse than of "not being accepted as an outsider" when approaching a new group since we expect some latitude. Being the new kid can give you some charm and opportunity.
However, it's within existing, rigid structures that speaking your mind (against consensus) can have the most extraordinary effects. It's a huge risk and a fine balance, but someone who has earned respect, and has "standing", can be themselves while also being part of the team then they have become something much more - a leader.
Not everyone knows who or what they are, and even someone who knows is not necessarily able to be themselves without outside help.
I struggle with being myself quite often; there are things I want to do, but I can't simply decide to just do those things... My brain does not work that way. For example, it can take a lot of effort to even say what I truly want to say, because consciously deciding to speak does not necessarily result in me actually doing so, no matter how hard I think the thought.
I wanted to belong and did things to be cool and accepted, without really understanding the mechanisms behind it.