Ask HN: Does being single hurt your productivity?
How much damage it does to your work or study by being single, feeling lonely and having thoughts if there were someone?
JC Denton: Electronic surveillance hardly inspires reverence. Perhaps fear and obedience, but not reverence.
Morpheus: God and the gods were apparitions of observation, judgment and punishment. Other sentiments towards them were secondary.
JC Denton: No one will ever worship a software entity peering at them through a camera.
Morpheus: The human organism always worships. First, it was the gods, then it was fame (the observation and judgment of others), next it will be self-aware systems you have built to realize truly omnipresent observation and judgment.
JC Denton: You underestimate humankind's love of freedom.
Morpheus: The individual desires judgment. Without that desire, the cohesion of groups is impossible, and so is civilization.
Was there an alternative dialog line that would let JC agree with Morpheus?
We all have an activation energy for doing the things we know we enjoy, it's nice to have someone around to pick you up on your slow days, and pick them up on theirs.
Maybe I'll get a dog, I guess.
On one hand, I have less motivation to work hard.
On the other hand. I have more time and am not being verbally abused by anyone.
Having a partner doesn't necessarily mean I'd work harder or smarter.
Unfortunately, I have to spend a lot of time and money on family (parents.) Their nagging can be unbelievable.
My thoughts are that motivation should be found internally. Loneliness is a feeling you can escape. Even in solitude.
You could argue that becoming more inward facing and eschewing community is harmful to greater society and the world at large. But I'd rather save myself from the misery of having to deal with what I consider a mentally ill world. Solitude isn't a bad choice. Isolation isn't the worst thing. You can find peace and quiet.
It all comes back to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, I suppose. Deficiencies there mean you're not truly fulfilling your potential. Yes, I do recognise how fortunate I am to have food, shelter and some savings, but being alone is still hard to cope with.
I hope it's some comfort to know that there are others in the same situation, minroot, and I'm sorry I can't provide any advice other than to keep trying your best and accept that it is enough.
At home, I could go to the gym later at night and not have to worry about missing "us" time or a kids bed time. Around the house, I could clean and organize and things would stay that way. Once I got married and had a kid, things get wrecked in hours, killing any of my motivation to do those things.
If you are lonely and having thoughts if you were with someone, you should try to look for a partner
Productivity is pointless, life is about doing what you want and having a good time, stop making excuses for taking charge of your life
I love being alone and just doing whatever I want - my last partner also claimed I wasn't "motivated" enough, genuinely convinced relationships are sort of a hassle. More money for travel / doing whatever I want. But idk, good for you if you found a solid relationship.
But not having sexual releases often hurts productivity for me.
I am far more productive when I am single, since my whole day is structured internally and I can focus on the things I am really interested in for as long as I want to.
Whereas a partner sets timeframes, which can also help to structure your day but isn’t very intuitive.
Even though S.O. helps with chores you have to book everything for 2 people, adjust plans accordingly. Basically consumes your processing power with many more variables to account for.
OTOH when I was single, I was able to focus on something whenever I want and wherever I want.
This is especially true for less hours but more fragmented structure. For instance, I would carry my laptop with me everywhere since I don't have to carry other things. And when I am sipping my coffee I get an idea and implement/test on point.
Meanwhile with someone it is not so easy. They see you having a backpack and then they add stuff in it since you're already carrying it. Not complaining here, since it is also logical thing to do.
Then, you need to keep your attention on your partner. You cannot immediately focus on something of your hobbies or work.
tl:dr; Basically with someone, you need to create slots like "work" "hobbies" "events" and "private". Sometimes you will want to get things done in another slot but having to communicate and reschedule everything is too much work. So you try to be 50-70% productive on that slot than whenever (now?) you want.
If you're 20 and stuck in a dead-end job and horny and partying all the time, maybe a partner would help control those urges and make you both lead more fulfilling lives. Or maybe you'd both accentuate each other's weaknesses and spiral down together into a hellhole of addiction and self-loathing. Who knows?
If you're 40 and relatively established in your life and career, a good partner can do wonders for keeping your life contentment high and your routine healthy. It's good to take a break from work once in a while, and when you return to it, you'll be more rested and motivated. It gives you side benefits to your work too (vacations with your partner, weekend outings, whatever) so that when your work projects aren't going well, you can at least be motivated by those side benefits.
Regardless of your age, being together with the wrong person can drastically fuck up your psyche, especially if there's a lot of drama (insecurities, paranoia) or abuse (emotional, physical, verbal) or trust issues (cheating, control issues), etc. That can be way, WAY worse than being single... trust me, there are worse things than loneliness.
In my very humble opinion as a late-30s millennial, loneliness is best tackled not by a romantic partner but by deep and fulfilling friendships in which you can share both activities and emotional connections and good conversations. That both decreases your tendency to put all your eggs in one basket (becoming codependent on a partner) and also teaches you the day-to-day and emotional framework to learn to work with, not against, your own emotions. It teaches you a bunch of coping strategies when you're feeling down (e.g. doing something fun with a friend that doesn't physically hurt you like partying does), conflict resolution skills, etc. And those same skills transfer over to a good partnership so that if and when you find a good one, you can grow that initial romantic attraction into a lasting and mutually fulfilling partnership, without being overly dependent on that other person to the point of suffocation.
I think there's a mix of conventional wisdom here, from "no man is an island" to "you can't love someone else until you love yourself". I don't think either extreme is true; we are by nature both communal and individualistic creatures, and a healthy social life combined with periods of reflective introspection can give you the best of both worlds. But the modern dating culture -- fast swipes and short stays -- are antithetical to building lasting and meaningful connections. If you can sidestep that urge to date fast and furiously for the sake of sex, and focus on building meaningful friendships and connections instead, romantic or not, IMHO you'll be a lot less lonely over the long run. The best partners are also great friends.
But that's just my perspective. Everyone is different. Some people very much so, if their genetics, culture, upbringing, personality, etc. are drastically different from mine. Some thrive on long periods of hermited productivity. Others need constant social connection. There's no one-size-fit-all approach to this, you just gotta keep testing and evaluating your ideal position on the social spectrum. If you're lucky you'll find a good balance, and with time, the physical brain development and emotional maturity that makes it all more bearable and eventually enjoyable.
But when you are single, you sort of shift back into get shit done mode.
Depends on the person(s)(both of you can really get too comfortable in the situation).