Meeting People

To see old friends, that you may have lost touch with. And unfortunately to compare themselves with others. But fortunately, this could be a great opportunity to make new friends based on some commonality and sharing where they are in life.

Johnny has it right -- to reconnect with people you haven't seen in awhile. It provides a good venue to meet with multiple such people. In fact, I wasn't going to go until an old friend asked me to and a couple of other people I wanted to see were going.

It doesn't hurt to get out and be social now and then, even if the overall group is not one you really care to see.

It is written like an alien studying human interaction. Some of what was written is decent advice but it comes off as off-putting.

I felt the same way for a long time. But you have to ask, to good things happen for you because the world is fair, or because you are a rainmaker, or because you are lucky enough that a rainmaker loves you?

My parents were rainmakers, which was great except that I took too long to realize it, including the time I spent at one of the most rewarding networking-intensive organizations in the world, and I refused to network.

Eventually I realized that I was taking advantage of a social structure that someone built for me, but I wasn't helping builds it further. At first, I was just guilty of a self-centered selfishness. Later, the free ride slowed down. Now it is up to me to help the wheels turn, or just coast to a stop. Networking isn't evil. It is a tool you can use for good or evil. Networks are not free, but they can tolerate someone free riding temporarily.

You once had to learn to use a toilet and wash dishes and write thank-you notes, too. If you don't do directly yourself, you depend on someone to slaughter animals or pull vegetableout out of the ground (someone who expects something on return) that all disgusting and fake?

Many people do that, but that's not the structure or intent around it at all. When you meet someone you like and find out their interests/passions:

- when you meet someone else with similar interests/passions, introduce them.

- when you see an article that would spark their interest, share it.

- when you see an event that fits them, pass it along.

- when you see them, ask about how their projects are going.

It's not out of some crappy "I want to network" motivation, but because you like them. And generally we want to help & encourage the people we like.

I thought this way for a while too, although not about everything. Actually some things can be really fake while others are actually simply thoughtful! It's the way you are taught to think about it.

Let me give you a small example. You know about etiquette right? In every country it's different. Are you manipulating people because you behave differently at Church/Synagogue/etc. and in a bar, or with your parents, or at a dinner table? Are you manipulating people by trying to learn their language and making sure you talk about what's important to THEM an not just whats important to you? I am sure that put this way, you think it's actually all good things. Yet, once we start going further and looking at it more mechanically, it starts to seem disgusting to you and to many people. Perhaps it has to do with the Uncanny Valley actually. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncanny_valley

Here is the thing. You want people to not be systematic and strategic to a large extent when meeting other people, except where everyone in society is already being shamed into doing it. Why? I think it is because when someone becomes systematic and strategic, then any particular interaction seems like it's just a pawn in a larger scheme, doesn't mean as much to the one being strategic, and for the most part this is unfortunately true. On the other hand, greater mastery over a domain lets you make better moves, and over time gives you more connections and more experience so that you can actually HELP people in ways you couldn't before. An experienced salesman can sell your pretty good product that you couldn't sell yourself, and you can rely on him to do so, even though you might think his sales tactics are "scammy" at first blush. A person who knows a lot of people after many years is able to connect you to the right people even though they have such a large network that you can't possibly imagine they have close relationships with most of them, yet they help you and you appreciate it. Winston Churchill made sure to remember the name and interests of each person he spoke to at dinners. Is he being manipulative and strategic? Maybe. But people loved him.

I think the bottom line here is this: forget the "stigma" that society forces you to attach to actually putting thought and strategy into achieving things when it comes to meeting people, organizing things, etc. If you are producing a result that HELPS EVERYONE INVOLVED, then you are actually doing a good thing. The litmus test is, if you encountered someone who was a master at what you are trying to do, would you be HAPPY that they did this to you, or NOT happy?

I think most of it is about being aware of what the other person really needs and wants, and working to give it to them. For example when a nightclub promoter invites you (a guy) what he really would like is for you to bring a girl or two to the event, so more alcohol will be sold. If you don't, he may be glad you came but ultimately if you did, he would be way happier because you are helping him. You may say, "well, you USED the girls to get more points with the promoter". But you also USED the promoter to help the girls! They all get free drinks and a great time, and meet more people. And they also think you are a cool guy that they had a great time with that night. So everyone wants to see you again.

Look at the suggestion at the end of my post. Do you really consider it creepy that you take your friends' business cards, ask them who they are desperately looking to meet, and actually talk them up to people whenever you feel that you might make a good match? And then ask your friends to do the same once you have made some results for them? Is it weird that you have a group of guys who remember to meet girls for their friends and invite them all to a big house party so they can introduce their friends and generally hang out and have a good time? Is "every man for himself" the only non fake strategy? Or is it actually MORE fake? The guy has to generate all the social proof out of thin air, and at the end of the day, the first strategy attracts people far more, because a group of cool people who respect each other is more attractive. Why not be part of one.

> Too often, I find meeting people is easy. What's HARD is disconnecting, focusing, staying in, and working through the difficult obstacles to creating something valuable.

From my network marketing days, one phrase sticks out: "Never confuse productivity with activity".

I find your statement very interesting. I am convinced that people often focus on what is hard for them/what the lack/what they want more of. For example, my relatively poor artist friends who bounce from job to job (so much that being fired/quitting means nothing) and perpetually have no money but have lots of friends. Contrast that with my relatively successful developer friends who are so busy with projects that they have no time for friends. One more example - the most connected woman I know - very successful founder/CEO - her biggest accomplishment of the past 5 years is completing a 5k run. Because it is challenging for her physically.

Have you considered working in an environment where there is energy but you have no connections? Like a university library/cafeteria/commons (library access might be restricted - but sometimes if you pay, sometimes you can get a card as a resident) or a coffee shop in an area where they don't speak your native tongue primarily (Chinatown) or a random hotel lobby with a 3G/4G access point?

Great comment. Now, there are so many startup events in my city than never before but every time I struggle to go there. The key of meeting people is simple: you hope that you see/find somebody doing something which inspires you and brings new stuff to life. That's the pattern about how we try and learn new things (like children): you see somebody doing something and you say to yourself, hey I can do this too.

But back to your comment: If I stay home and dive into a new topic it's always 100% more productive. I remember those days when I was learning Ruby at a Saturday night when my friends were heading to the same clubs they visited every weekend and I knew that they are wasting their time (usually you feel the opposite when a bunch of people you know meet/go out). But the problem is that you usually need a trigger to get productive and just from surfing the web and reading Hacker News it's hard to get this trigger -- don't ask me why but getting active from just reading a blog post doesn't work (maybe there're just too many of them.) So, at the end you need to have a good ratio of being productive and just being active/busy/meeting people.

A last thought: if I think back to all encounters on such startup events most stay superficial and lead nowhere. I got the most inspiration out of long-term relationships (coworkers).