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Comment by bluefirebrand | Hacker News Reader

For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation.

If I reply "I'm fine thanks how are you" then you know I'm here and looking, you've forced me to into a synchronous conversation and now I will appear rude if I don't immediately answer your "I just have a quick question"

If you just post your question upfront, I can read it and prioritize it myself based on what I am currently doing.

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I'm the 'engineer' side of the equation. But often I need async interaction with various others. So I just combine it all in one message:

Hey, Jo! I just have a quick question for when you have a moment: <question for Jo>

And leave it. I'll ping Jo again at a time interval depending on urgency - sometime this sprint? I'll remind about the message in a couple days. Need it today? I indicate that when I ask, and about 4hrs later I'll poke a bit to see where we are.

This is 100% it.

Expectation setting is the missing key in a lot of these conversations. Asking to ask is about not being rude. There are better ways to do this in an asynchronous conversation. It's right up there with "we need to talk" in texts. The anxiety it causes is completely unnecessary, and easily avoided with a little detail and priority.

There are countless socially defined, implicit hammers looking for nails. Most can be improved upon or swapped out for different tools.

+1 to this. That example message is very close to how I phrase questions in chats as well.

This is my pet peeve. You don't have a quick question. If you did, you'd just ask it. By asking to ask, you've doubled my required response effort.

Please just ask questions. Pinging someone about a mysterious question that you'll reveal later is annoying. It certainly doesn't go on my list of things to do re: "Sometime later this sprint be sure to get back to that person who won't tell me what they want from me". It goes on the list "Ignore this person"

I read GP's comment as saying "Hey I have a quick question for you: INSERT QUESTION HERE", so it sounds like you are in agreement actually.

Yup. And for the sender you don't need to wait around to know you have the go-ahead for a response, if you ask it well enough you should be good to go the next time you look. The key is to say everything you wanted to say as clearly as possible. Save everyone time and get the answers you want with the most efficiency.

A buddy of mine does this via text message. He'll ask, "hey are you working tomorrow?", and it's 50:50 whether his next question is going to be

"can you pick me up from the airport?" (forcing me to quickly reply yes even if I might not want to, because he already knows I'm not working and I don't want to seem rude—why can't he just take the train?),

or "im in town, wanna hang out tonight? (sure, sounds like fun).

Wish he'd skip the leading question and not put me in a corner.

I think I would reply, "I'm not working but I do have some stuff going on, why what's up?"

I recommend you to read this old post about guess vs ask culture. You don't have to reply yes if you don't want to. Even if you are not working, you may have other reasons.

https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-bet...

Because the method is indeed async, you can say "I'm fine thanks how are you" with no future expectation of immediate reply. It's okay. If they wanted sync, they would've asked for a phone call.

But, suppose you switch to sync. They ask a question. It indeed isn't important to you right now. Tell them you're busy with other tasks, and you'll reply later. It isn't rude, we all frequently work with others that have a lot on their plate.

Or, you could just ask the question and not shift the burden of this onto me.

I agree with you, but if you find yourself feeling burdened, perhaps there's a genuine opportunity for introspection: why are you feeling burdened? You don't owe them anything, they're asking you for your time. You're doing them the favor; you're under no obligation. Feeling burdened seems self-imposed.

It can be sometimes easier to shift your own perspective than it is to change the behavior of others.

Because humans have not adapted to online, emotionless, body language-less chat, and it's cumbersome and unnecessary to emulate this behavior. It's burdening the same way I have to smile and say thanks to the pizza delivery guy instead of slamming the door in his face.

> For me it's not because I want an input/output type conversation, it's because I want to maintain asynchronous conversation.

In the context of an IRC chat room, isn’t all conversation assumed to be synchronous? (Forgive me if this has an obvious answer, as I’m not too familiar with IRC culture.)

Depends if it's a busy room with a lot of actively chatting users, or a quiet room with only a few people active at once.

In either case, skipping the chitchat is beneficial. In a busy room, ask the question and if someone catches it they can respond right away. Any attempt at a "hello how are you" will likely be lost in the noise.

In slower rooms, treat it as asynchronous.

And in 1-1 chats, treat it as asynchronous.

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