You can't just do a simplistic extrapolation of the last couple years in a spreadsheet.
Google couldn't pass your "simple mechanical litmus tests" when it went public. Apple couldn't pass it in the late 90s. Amazon couldn't pass it most of it's life. IBM could for a good number of years (just look at the numbers when Buffett was buying it...) Most of the banks could in 2005/6/7.