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Comment by bengl3rt | Hacker News Reader

Unfortunately, this does not solve the problem that many hackers that I know have. They would have no trouble selecting between a number of different applicants/candidates - they are having trouble with generating "deal flow" in the first place, a.k.a actually meeting women.

They work 40-90 hours a week in an insular, male-dominated industry. Where do they get the time and the energy to get the exposure to hone the skillset that enables talking to women?

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I can understand your point, but I think that in the end it's always feasible. If you want to meet more women you have to realize they won't come to knock on your door. So you have to give up a couple of hours in the evening where instead if working you go out with the objective to meet more women.

Just going out with the vague intention of meeting women isn't going to get you anywhere as a nerdy type of guy. A better approach is to do things that you'll enjoy anyway where talking and getting to know others (including women) is a core part of the activity.

A few that come to mind: creative writing groups, acting groups, language learning groups and exchanges, book clubs. I'm sure there are plenty of others. Besides being generally intellectually rewarding activities, women are usually the majority in groups like these, and they are likely to be smart and interesting to boot. The emphasis is also taken off of small talk and social poise, and placed instead on intelligence, creativity, authenticity, and other traits that nerds excel in. Even if you don't meet the girl of your dreams, you can at least have a good time, develop your mind in some new directions, and expand your social circle a bit.

Excellent suggestion! That has been my experience as well. It's better to focus on auxiliary activities where you'll meet women as part of the group, and have to work with them, instead of focusing on dating. It's much less awkward (as there are no high expectations), you're bound to have at least one shared interest, and you get to know them how they are in daily life...

How about people who don't like activities where talking and getting to know other people is a core part?

If you don't want to talk to or get to know anyone, why are you looking for a girlfriend?

Yes, thank you for the addition. I was meaning these activities, even though only in an implied manner. Going out and talking to a woman out of nothing is hard stuff that requires a lot of effort and the right personality.

Another couple of activities you can add to the list are singing in a choir and dancing (I dance tango, for example). In both cases you are pretty much guaranteed that women will exceed men in number.

I'll second the dancing idea. Salsa and other types of latin dance are especially good, since the culture of those dance forms is (generally) that there is nothing wrong in asking a girl to dance whether she is in a relationship or not.

But if you're the introverted type and not comfortable with your dance skills (like me when I started), you still have to swallow your pride and get out there. There is no getting around that. Just don't go join a dance club (or any other hobby-based group) with the sole intention of meeting women because (1) you won't enjoy it and (2) the women will sense it.

It's funny that your suggestion is the opposite of the currently top-rated comment (which I didn't read, because it's a 1700 word essay without any capitalization).

(For what it's worth, I think you have it right.)

It's worth reading that essay. http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3051914

Try OKCupid or a similar dating website. It gives you the opportunity to meet new women at your convenience by initiating contact through a 3-line email. And if they respond you know they are interested.

As far as skill set...just be yourself and talk about your interests and her interests. Having some sort of 'game' or whatever isn't going to work very well on educated women.

Unless your pictures are very attractive, I think you need some "game" just to get people on OkCupid to write back to you. For example I find my reply rate goes up a lot when I inject humor into my first message (whereas in real life I might save the jokes for when an opportunity arises naturally in the conversation).

That's life, isn't it? We all have to show ourselves in a good light if we want people to like us.

I'm married (met my wife online as a booty call/hookup), but the main lesson I remember from online dating was from the woman who commented, "...you don't sound at all desperate." I didn't understand, so after we met, she showed me a sample of messages she got from guys and I couldn't believe how absolutely awful they all came across. Other women since that verified the same thing: 99% of men they met online seemed like losers at first glance so they just hit <delete> and moved on.

Basically, sound like a friendly person with a sense of humor and you're way ahead of 90% of the rest of people looking for love & sex online.

I live in NYC where I'm pretty sure I'm about as average looking as they get :) I usually just write a quick 2-3 liner about some shared interest or something I found interesting about her profile. Reply rate is about 33% (OKCupid has a ton of stats, is there a way to find out the actual rate?). Maybe that's game? I just see it as natural conversation.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't NYC have more women than men? I think I'm pretty average too but I'm pretty sure my non-humorous messages get a lower reply rate than that here in the Bay Area.

I would like to do more casual dating than I do at the moment, but there aren't that many OkCupid profiles I'm attracted to in the first place, and even fewer of them reply to my messages, so...

That only works in countries that have a lot of people in OKCupid(or a similar service). Despite the recent growth in USA and some other parts of the world, a lot of places still heavily stigmatize the use of dating sites, specially among people younger than 40. That usually means there aren't any eligible candidates to be found on those sites.

I met my girlfriend over a dating site, but I had started actively trying to meet people a year before (friends of friends), and I realized I had lots of interaction problems to correct, as well as trying to improve myself not only to be a bit more interesting, but also my physical appearance as well.

And I disagree that other parts of the world stigmatize dating sites (it's too broad a statement). For example, Badoo (the site where I met her) is huge in Latin America and UK and Russia and other very dissimilar sites.

It also took a long time, I met about 50 girls before meeting my girlfriend.

I don't think I'm exemplary, but if I managed to get a girlfriend, most can do it.

Similarly, the stable marriage problem provides a mathematical basis for encouraging hackers to put themselves out there and take initiative in seeking out potential mates as the Gale-Shapley algorithm proves that the end result is optimal for the suitors, i.e. those that take action.

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