> The problem with DNS is that DNS names are global, and human readable, and therefore rely on a central authority to handle disputes.
This isn't a problem in practice. DNS security issues do exist, but typically don't relate to its centralisation.
That's not to say there are no downsides to centralisation. I'm not especially happy about the way everyone with a website has to pay money to rent-seekers. I'm also opposed to the unending addition of novelty TLDs, and to the way special domains like t.co are only available to organisations with unusual clout.
> They aren't even particularly good at human-readability, because they have a vestigial hierarchy that doesn't even mean anything half the time
I don't see a real problem here either.
> they aren't given enough scrutiny to make sure that nobody uses confuseable, typo squatted, or bit squatted names
The basic goal, roughly speaking, is to map from string to IP address, so the existence of confusingly similar strings is a problem sometimes, yes. Again I really don't know much about Tor - how does Tor solve this?
> they need to be able to see your domain name in order to validate it. This makes air gapped systems a pain in the neck
You're not the only one to say this, but I don't see the problem. You can get a cert for intranet.example.com, give it a 'parked' public-facing page, get a cert for it, then use that cert internally for your intranet. You could also get a wildcard cert. Seems like a pretty solid solution.
> along with anything else that calls into question the global reach-ability assumption that they're making (like plain ol' networking glitches)
I'm not sure I follow here, what do you mean? DNS is very robust.
> Hidden Services don't need exit nodes, and they don't need TLS.
I see. How can I trust the connection though? What's to stop an attacker taking control of my network connection and pointing me at their machine instead?
Doesn't there need to be some kind of secret-management system in place? SSH answers this with fingerprints. HTTPS answers it with certs and CAs.