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Comment by jakub_g | Hacker News Reader

My main issue with keeping in touch with people is that texting someone you only vaguely know is kinda weird. You don't see the other person, you don't hear them, you can't know what's in their mind. Those exchanges often just hang in a weird void after a few texts and it's unsure when/how to continue from there.

On the other hand, calling someone you don't know well (even someone you do know!) feels even weirder and more invasive those days. I don't remember when I last called someone else than my close family (and very close friends upon first fixing a date/time for the call).

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Yeah I tried giving up social media for a while and just texting my actual friends etc instead.

It works for the groups of friends that we have active WhatsApp groups with. But especially texting friends of the opposite sex - now that we're grown up, married, etc - just feels invasive, unless it's asking a specific question, or to arrange something.

I feel exactly the same, and honestly, it keeps me from approaching some people I‘d like to.

If anyone has figured out a pretext or mental framework for warming up conversations that have effectively died long ago, I would be delighted to know about it.

I make sure to end each conversation properly. Something like "I have to go, I have something to do, that was nice talking to you". That way you can start a new conversation 6 months later and it doesn't feel awkward.

I like to just mention some bit of news or even weather and ask for their take, bam instant convo that says you thought of them while living your life and now you can take the convo in whatever direction.

To muddy the waters, I'd find this super duper weird. I've never had a chain of texts end with a formal "close" to the conversation. Doubly so since texting is async. I'd finally look at your "I have to go" message hours after you sent it and be confused at the update.

I find it nice, if it's not spammy. Two relatively distant friends starting do a quarterly "newsletter" of their projects and I found myself getting in touch with them more often. Same with strangers on social media. Often good things happen when you 'just go for it'.

Yeah, a big part of being social is about stifling the expectation of rejection. No one is going to yell at you for asking how their day was. No one is going to call the cops if you send them a text "Hey, wanted to catch up. How's your week going? I saw this super insightful comment by nefitty on HN about being social and it made me realize we hadn't talked in a bit."

Just wait until everyone is doing this though!

The next Ask HN thread will be: "How to deflect all these people who suddenly want to stay in touch or keep texting me every 3 weeks on the dot"

Perhaps a 15-30 year old thing, but for those people in my B/C/D list (never thought about it that way before), one thing I do is if they are active on Instagram I will send a response to their story if it looks interesting. More casual than a text, but it opens the door to a quick conversation.

I agree with you. The author is trying to automate human connection - but it probably doesn't come off genuine.

Have you ever played Stardew Valley? One game mechanic involves managing relationships with members of the town. You need to discover peoples' likes and dislikes, keep up contact, and remember their birthdays and probably a few other rules I'm forgetting. There's essentially a spreadsheet that you manage. It's the strangest thing to me - it feels like the way an autistic person might view relationships, but also like it's common sense. I think it's just that in real life you're better off not keeping score on some things.

It's funny because this is how real relationships work though. Well not exactly. In stardew you have to give gifts to really become better friends with someone but in real life its much easier to become better friends with someone when you know their likes and dislikes.

Honestly most of the bosses I've had that I actually liked are because I knew something they care about and we could talk about that. The ones I didnt like that much were just like blobs of work stress who never brought anything else up except on rare rare occasion so it was difficult to relate to them.

Friends are the same way. I have a buddy where we mostly talk about movies. We do that enough that we end up talking about shit other than movies too.

Oh yeah, I'm saying if you actually did the Stardew Valley spreadsheet in real life I think it would work well, but people might be creeped out if you showed it to them lol.

Good point about the Boss thing - I had a boss who was super into cars and I've dabbled in working on my own. It was at least something for us to chat about.

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