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Comment by alar44 | Hacker News Reader

Hold up. You're only 30.

In my 20s, I was more like your ex. Didn't focus on my career, had tons of hobbies and a healthy social circle.

Turns out, a "social circle" isn't really a thing in your mid to late 30s. You might have a few close friends but most people are tending to families at that point.

Try starting a career in your 30s that allows you to save for retirement so you don't have to work until you die. It's not easy.

You're doing fine and you've set yourself up for success rather than "living in the moment" until you can't afford to.

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>Turns out, a "social circle" isn't really a thing in your mid to late 30s. You might have a few close friends but most people are tending to families at that point.

Is this really still that common? I just turned 30, share a flat with two people in their mid-thirties, and we have what I'd consider a pretty good social circle going on of people from their late 20s to 40s and a lot of our friends live in similar households.

Depends on the city, you and your circle's life goals, and so on. As a recent parent I can say that I only maintain a few close friends whom I see sparingly. Between a full-time job, raising a child, and keeping a marriage healthy there isn't much time for much else.

If your social circle isn't interested in children then this isn't going to be much of a difference.

It depends. Most of my friends got married from age 25-35 and their closeness usually aligned with the age of the kids.

Personally, I think my wife and I have a better social life than we did, but usually the people we relate to are either old close friends or folks with kids in a similar cohort. We’re active in school and little league and get to spend time with people. I think people who don’t make an effort to be involved in something end up falling out and not having a social life.

My four male cousins are all high flying finance bros and attorneys. They are in their 50s, never married, and from my perspective live like frat brothers. They’ve certainly dated more models and have been able to travel to really amazing places. Not my thing.

To each their own - nobody else knows the right way for you to live!

If you’re in SV - you’re not uncommon but that’s still uncommon when it comes to the greater US. The COL is main reason people do this practice. People around 30 are supposed to be in relationships, looking to be married soon if not already, having kids soon, and settling down.

Obviously, childless folks are becoming more common but this is mostly due to economic situations and not due to choice.

You're creating one big false dichotomy. This notion that you either focus every bit of your being on your career or otherwise be a wage slave is absurd. Having a strong community around you is an incredible financial tailwind, beyond the fact that it is just a generally a positive thing and makes your life emotionally richer.

I didn't say that at all. Putting effort into maintaining a social circle has greatly diminishing returns as you get older. It's just a fact of life. Priorities change as our age, and if they don't, you'll find yourself a 30+ yr old child.

Social energy should shift more towards personal growth as you get older.

I’ve found it to be the opposite. Almost all of my friends in my 30s I made in my 20s. Being married is a huge boon to socialization and that happened due to socialization in my 20s.

All the opposite. the effort you put into keeping a social circle of quality friends and acquaintances in your 30s and beyond can be extremely rich in terms of pleasure, social activities, and even work or business connections, and there's nothing whatsoever about being older that makes you a "child" if you actively cultivate irreplaceable time with good friends. Nothing about cultivating and keeping friendships in your later years stops you from pursuing rich personal interests either. It sometimes even achieves the opposite and nurtures rich experiences or interesting projects.

We are fundamentally, innately social animals, and that extends to more than just family and work circles. To each their own, but your view is snidely dismissive of an enormous source of happiness in so many people's lives.

> Social energy should shift more towards personal growth as you get older.

Dude. Those two are the same thing.

Maybe it’s a grass is always greener on the other side argument.

Having spent most of my teenage years doing well in school and most of my 20s working hard before finding success in my early 30s, I was expecting more happiness after finding financial freedom. But instead had a lot of regret that I couldn’t relate to a lot of the more fun aspects of youth.

Instead, I found myself looking at folks who spent most of their younger years having fun and then found a partner that was willing (and able) to work hard as a provider and wondering why that isn’t the best of both worlds if you can get it. I know that some of them have regrets of not having much of a sense of accomplishment, but they sure do seem happy having lived life to the fullest and skipping the pressure of financially supporting a family.

Finding the hard working partner is something mostly reserved for women though in US culture. It’s rare to find a woman in the US who will buck gender norms and be the breadwinner of the house while you frolic. We expect the inverse in the US as far as gender norms go. (And the stats back this up)

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