Let's take the security guard: "The only problem is: he now provides literally no value. He’s excluded by fiat the possibility of ever being useful in any way. He could be losslessly replaced by a rock with the words “THERE ARE NO ROBBERS” on it."
That is blatantly not true, the guard provide value since the wanna-be robbers don't know whether the guard will be of any value, and a rock could not provide any deterrent. Losslessly?
The doctor (if there is someone skeptical of doctors it is me, if I were less lazy I would have greatly enjoyed fighting to make some useless US dermatologists lose their license): "Her heuristic is right 99.9% of the time, but she provides literally no value. There is no point to her existence. She could be profitably replaced with a rock saying “IT’S NOTHING, TAKE TWO ASPIRIN AND WAIT FOR IT TO GO AWAY”.
This is an unhelpful caricature, too, because if we add "and call back if it does not", it looks like a very reasonable approach.
Un-nuanced and quite sloppy presentation of heuristics.