I’m Single, & I’m Not Dating. Why Is That So Hard for People to Understand? | Hacker News Reader

I’m Single, & I’m Not Dating. Why Is That So Hard for People to Understand?

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18 pointsterrycody18 comments

It’s called “human interaction”. People ask things, sometimes they are annoying. You know, “humans”. It seems every annoying/uncomfortable thing nowadays is automatically oppression. What do these people want, some kind of law to suppress other people’s expression?

If people stopped blogging about their trivial complaints I wonder how much blog content would disappear. It reminds me of this from quote from Rick and Morty:

https://youtu.be/YZQ9QqJzGcE

I've been there myself. Getting sick of people asking why I'm single. Getting reminded of feeling like a failure by the question. Too rejected to start looking. Wanting to justify why being single was okay.

I've also been happy and single. During that time I would not have bothered trying to justify my choice to remain single.

I have good news for you. Male/female/other, once you pass 40 they will mostly stop asking.

(I am assuming you are under 40 because people are still asking)

So you have to ask yourself the question that really matters. The one you're hoping you know the permanent answer to: do you want them to stop asking?

The pandemic meant that really only one person has asked me that question in two years. And the reality is that as I bear down on 50, the actual answer is mostly irrelevant. The choice gets taken out of your hands eventually.

Could be worse. People don't ask me why I'm single which, in my darker moments, kind of suggests that the reasons are sufficiently externally self-evident to obviate any need to even ask. ;)

I wouldn't go that far. I should mention that I'm now happily married. I married someone I would have put way out of my league. In my case I was not self confident enough to land a relationship. Once I got over that I was able to act normal around potential mates.

It's hard for people to understand that because women have their peak attractiveness earlier than men. Like it or not you are in a race against time to find a partner.

Like it or not everyone has to be on the lookout for potential partners all the time.

What if they don't want anyone? Like myself, I'm 41 but I'm just not interested in the idea of having a spouse/partner/whatever. I'm quite happy on my own but I've noticed folks find it concerning that I am this way. My parents use to bug me for years about me settling down and having kids until I came out trans to them then they finally got the idea that I'm probably never going to have kids at least not biologically. None the less, I'm just the kind of person that prefers a quiet evening with a book or watching a documentary rather than having a date or someone else to pester me.

>What if they don't want anyone?

That's ok, but it's out of the norm so of course people will see it as not normal.

If someone is born with 6 fingers it doesn't make them a bad person. But it will generate questions as it is out of the norm.

What about sex and intimacy?

Not the one you're asking, but I gotta ask - what about it?

Some folks don't find it to be that significant - asexual/aromantic

As I've aged I've grown towards those, but I'm still fairly 'young' (32)

Be it nature or nurture, it's not as significant as it once was...

Not that it's completely ruled out here personally, but it's like sitting on the fence - and being happy either way.

Personally I enjoy my time to myself and everything that comes attached with sex/intimacy is [or tends to be] exhausting.

Well sexual pleasure is best when done with someone. Could it childhood trauma as well. Earlier in my life it was enough being validated but later on I started wanting more the action than the precursor.

>Not that it's completely ruled out here personally, but it's like sitting on the fence - and being happy either way.

Could be apathy or fear of rejection. It's painful to be rejected and even more painful to be with someone and see the relationship go down. Some think we avoid the entire ordeal by staying single but do we really. It's debatable.

It's hard to disagree, it's far more enjoyable with a teammate!

Apathy is generally a good way to put it I feel. Maybe not the intent, but the result lines up. I could take or leave it, but if it requires too much effort on my part, I'll pass.

Trauma might be putting it a little heavily, but I do feel the 'process' takes more than it gives

I really don't want that either in my life. I'm happy without it.

If you're a woman, the clock is ticking. With delayed adulthood / 40 is the new 30 stuff, that means for women your time is limited. Combine that with the fact that if you are under 35, your dating pool is almost three decades of men.

So when women actually wake up to whether they want kids or not (stereotypically in early 30s), then you have, shit, 5 years or less to find someone and start establishing a relationship.

A woman turns 40? Stereotypically the men who will date you are 40+, likely not interested in kids because that's why they are dating you or they already been there done that.

Women functionally have until 35 to be in a stable relationship to start family planning.

Men can procreate well past 40? 50?

Those are the biological ground rules.

Also, when you have kids, you realize that 90% of how single people choose each other has very little to do with a functional relationship with even one kid.

So if you have a social network, there are a large number of people who have wrestled with all the hard realities. Meanwhile, as a single person, you can largely fall into a rhythm / routine / rut and time can fly by. We are in an entertainment society that is tuned to the 18-40 people.

Again, that's fine biologically for men who decide to "settle down" at 45.

Not for women.

So if you tell yourself "nah" on kids, well, fine. But let me tell you something that came through crystal clear as I watched my mother die of cancer and helped her in her dying days: you'll want kids to help you in your worst times, because our (American) society doesn't give two shits about you once your productivity is gone, and the medical system is absolutely overloaded and understaffed from the perspective of nursing.

Again, modern society caters to you in your youth and free consumption years. It lulls you into staying there where you provide a lot of profit to companies.

But reality lies beneath the consumer facade. The day my mother died I walked around a town square, and everyone seemed like they were in a daze. Didn't they realize we're all going to die? How short and fragile this is? Everyday life exists to distract us from such realities, and keep us slotted in cogs in the machine as generations flow through it.

I get it but it keeps repeating the same content over and over.

"I'm not dating, but I'm also not working on myself, why can't I just be?"

I wonder how much is blowback on current societal trends around family and marriage. There’s been divorce lawyers blowing the whistle on how awful divorce court is, for instance. Then there’s the hell of dating sites for men.

You will feel differently about this once you realize that there are people who are married that are quite envious of your situation.

This is something that does not get said out loud very often, for various reasons.

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