It sounds like you romanticized homestead life if you find that lifestyle "soul crushing". As with many things, it's about the journey, not the destination.

If you expected to do homesteading stuff for a couple years and then 'retire' in some garden of eden, I suspect you are realizing that will never be the case. The homesteading life (or at least why I chose it myself) is about personal fulfillment in managing the land and animals, the DIY and semi-self-sustainable aspect of it and the freedom that comes with privacy and your own space.

Becoming truly self-sustaining and self-sufficient is incredibly difficult these days. Good luck to you.