Comment by kinnth | Hacker News Reader

Comment by kinnth | Hacker News Reader

I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow, the first thing to focus on is your personal mindset and build from there:

  1. Just say yes. When someone asks for anything, say yes, no matter how big or small (help them move out, look after their dog) This will put you into novel situations.
  2. Show genuine interest in things. Ask why, learn more, dig deeper, keep conversations going by trying to share anything you think is slightly relevant.
  3. Dress up. Wear things that stick out, even just a bit, a funky shirt, a nice bright pair of socks, use these to add flare to a standard dark blue and grey world, people will reflect back and be interested in you.
  4. Pick one new thing you want to master (not online) my advice here for all round great friend activities - Rockclimbing, Pub Quizes, Boardgame nights, Cycling, Pottery. Each of these almost always need another person to make them work and that helps you grow your confidence.
  5. Don't work so hard. Tell your boss you wanna slow it down, try and do 4 day weeks, give back some commitments, take a pay cut. Don't quit just slow it down and give your head some space.

I'm 35, I just quit my /Director of Product role at a successful startup because I wasn't happy. I'm about to go to Thailand to learn how to become a yoga teacher, not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me and is nowhere near a computer! You can do it! Put a plan in motion.

HN Believes in you! :D

> I have often been told im good at making friends and I think you can make them anytime, anywhere, anyhow

Thanks, what a great list! Would you mind sharing some more tips? :)

How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity? In the past I had lots of good conversations with people met through hobbies, only to go back home and never speak to them again. How do you stay in touch with people you don't know very well, without being weird / imposing?

> I'm about to go to Thailand to learn how to become a yoga teacher, not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me and is nowhere near a computer!

Sounds like a solid plan, good luck!

You start with the hobby activity, stick with it, and add other things! The hobby is the first glue, but then add dinner, movies, games, conversations. Conversational skill is also a developed one, not innate. IMO, talking about things and ideas is best. Conversation works best when both people Learn and teach, but nobody is trying to be right.

> How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity

Ask them for their phone number and text them to invite them to things, even if just to lunch

I do a bunch of Meetups and watched this happen a bunch (EDIT: the going to a hobby event and never speaking again that is). About a year and a half after meeting a fellow regular of a hiking Meetup I finally felt not awkward inviting the lady and her husband to a board game night with my wife. Maybe the key step is to get with the regulars (or volunteer to be the coordinator?). I think the couple I've befriended have the same problem I have, which is why their schedule is so open for my silly ideas for socializing!

In my case the gateway to friendship was more hikes, and vaguely stale board game nights. We're trying to do something (making friends) that's difficult, that much is clear!

> How do you go from talking to someone during some hobby activity to a friendship outside of that activity?

This is where having multiple hobbies not only adds depth to conversations & makes you more interesting, it allows you to cross-pollinate your friend groups from each hobby. If you join a cross fit gym and a running group (as others have mentioned in the thread), then you invite someone from the gym to the group or vice versa.

The invitation can either be a "I think you'd really enjoy this activity", in which case you're introducing them to something new and cool, or it can be "I think you'd really like the people I do X with" in which case you're helping them meet friends.

People who take you up on the offer to either try something new or meet new people with you as their guide are sure to become friends. You get to see each other in new elements and your relationship can now trascend simply doing one activity together.

I think this approach feels a lot more natural than jumping straight to "hey, I've seen you at the rock gym a bunch, let's get coffee?" which can feel like a big jump and somewhat forced.

> I'm about to go to Thailand to learn how to become a yoga teacher, not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me and is nowhere near a computer!

As someone who has spent 3+ years backpacking around the world the Eat Pray Love life changing experience is 99% bullshit. Travel is fun. That's why I did it. But life changing? Nope. Came back and life was pretty much the same except that my job prospects were worse. The only concrete positive I can point to is a significant improvement in my online dating profile.

As the saying goes, "Wherever you go there you are".

> Came back and life was pretty much the same

GP said "disciplined adventure" so they might be on a path to become a yoga instructor ? Like actually develop a passion for yoga and teach people when they come back home.

> who has spent 3+ years backpacking around the world

Looks like what you were doing was something different. You were just wandering around with no specific goal or discipline ?

I would like to second saying "yes" ... however, the intuition for saying "yes" is that you should become /more open/ to experiences by lowering a threshold of openness a bit. That's a valid and more comfortable approach, but I think it's better to instead say yes more to things that you would not normally do in a thousand years (aside from those with real safety/moral concerns - drugs, cheating, etc.)

If someone invites me to another board game night but I feel like playing videogames by myself, it may be ok to say no. If someone wants me to do something utterly dreadful like dance surrounded by people who actually know how, watch superbowl, or make [the first I ever made, but they don't know that] pie for their birthday, then I have to do it. Well, not all the time, but I used to do it for a month at a time and I made friends a lot this way, and also met my now-wife :)

The problem with your first solution is that there’a nobody requesting help from in the first place.

2 and 3, I’ve tried those but people just don’t se to reciprocate or just don’t want to add another person to their group.

It’s tough.

I love this advice. As a 31 y/o in another country. The mindset of saying "yes" to all, has brought me great stuff.

I got it from the movie "Yes, man". Its surprisingly good advice

I’m curious. Why not learn yoga in India(from where it originated). What does Thailand have that India doesn’t?

Lax visa requirements

Much higher quality of life, including personal safety (important if OP is a woman).

> not for a career but for a disciplined adventure that will deeply enrich me

This reads like that scene from Dunder Mifflin company when the temp CEO was leaving.

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