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Comment by S_A_P | Hacker News Reader

True love is something that takes work. Sure some people mesh better than others, and if you picked your mate mostly on aesthetics you may realize that having someone you like to look at is not the way to sustain a multi decade relationship. I think when it comes to a partner, you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be either. The flipside of course is that your partner should feel the same way and be willing to endure your ups and downs

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> you have to just decide that you are always willing to meet them where they are. Its not always where you want them to be

Wise, thanks. That very concisely captures what I've been coming around to understanding about having relationships with anyone. I've had it easy with best friends that were so similar (because we grew up together), but life is long(ish) and people change and grow apart. Even if you have a a relationship that is on easy-mode, it will change for a sufficiently long time-horizon (marriage).

The Christian theologian Stanley Hauerwas put it this way:

When couples come to ministers to talk about their marriage ceremonies, ministers think it’s interesting to ask if they love one another. What a stupid question! How would they know? A Christian marriage isn’t about whether you’re in love. Christian marriage is giving you the practice of fidelity over a lifetime in which you can look back upon the marriage and call it love. It is a hard discipline over many years.

I had a girlfriend in high school/college for four years; I’ve been with my wife for over 15. Looking back on my high school relationship I can say I was in love, if I know anything about love from my marriage. The same feelings of interdependency and shared identity. It’s popular to look at young people and think they can’t know love but my experience says that’s not true.

I had a friend in high school whose romantic feelings were just absurdly powerful. Romeo never pined for Juliet the way my buddy Michael felt for his girlfriend. But at the risk of sounding trite, hormones =/= sacrifice, which is the real, meaningful expression of love. I don't want to lessen the importance of your earlier relationship, but puppy dog love is the easiest and most short-lived of affections.

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