Ask HN: How do you manage kids, IT job and relationship without going crazy? | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: How do you manage kids, IT job and relationship without going crazy?

8 pointsalex_suzuki7 comments

Good open communication. Both spouses have to really want it. If you have resentment, entitlement, or embarrassment you aren’t going to make it.

I have two employers, 5 years of overseas military deployments, 2 kids that are nearly grown, a young foster child with ADHD and extreme attachment disorder, and side code projects. If both spouses want to make it work you will figure it out.

I am not an outlier. My current army brigade commander is a Colonel with grown kids and military deployments plus a PhD with prior employment as a school system superintendent.

Good open communication with the spouse is such a powerful tool, completely agreed.

You don't... for the next 15 or so years they manage you, if you can keep a lid on it.

I read a quote here a few months ago: you can do a good job on two of kids, relationship, job.

Ha, I wanted to write that, but you were faster.

You need to loosen your expectations towards yourself a bit and choose your battles. See the parallel article here [0]. Don't grief if you can't get the balance right all the time, just keep trying.

The most important aspect I found is to keep connected and giving to your spouse. The two of you have chosen that live and are in it together. Keep giving and you will get back, there can be a lot of strength in a relationship.

[0] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29903457

I know that one. It’s kind of what I’m experiencing - “Something has to give”.

Accept the fact that the work you’re doing now is probably going to be replaced within 18-24 months when a new CTO wants to make a mark.

Your relationships on the other hand, will hopefully last a lifetime.

Act accordingly.

Edit: A practical advice – I haven’t worked a 40 hour week since I became a dad. Well worth the pay cut.

Let go.

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