How can introverts become comfortable in social situations | Hacker News Reader

How can introverts become comfortable in social situations

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Anyone experienced this when you are at your desk and working suddenly these rush of thoughts starts to trouble you like some of your colleagues watching you and judging because you are not opened up to them and didn't say single word in the morning when you came for a work it is like as if you are a robot just come sit on chair start to work.After sometime you start to overthink and suddenly your mind wants you to leave the place and it triggers a panic attack and you are unable to concentrate on the actual work.. What are some of the hacks that you become open up to your colleagues and at least say "Hi!" or "Good Morning" with some confidence/courage and become comfortable in the team.

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What you describe is social anxiety. Actually some tricks from introverts might work.

I find that if I know about someone and like them it’s easy to want to greet them. Get to know the people around you. There’s usually something interesting about each person. Make it your job to find out.

I’m totally introverted, but I can overcome my inclination and get to know people if I try. Imagine you’re trapped on a ship. You’re on your way to a colony. Everyone around you will be the seeds of that colony. If everyone is going to survive people will need to work together. If you’re going to thrive you need to know the people who will be important. The colony is your future. You and the people around you are colonizing it. You need them. Get to work.

Greetings are the first step. Just say hi. The next step is to let go of all your predictions about what they may be thinking about you. You’d be less concerned about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do it. It’s actually rude to assume someone is thinking something without evidence. It removes their agency. Talk to them and figure out what they actually think not what you imagine they might think.

Another trick I’ve found is to find people who care about the same things as you. Socializing is not work when you’re all there for the same thing and can talk about something mutually interesting. Find something you really care about, find a group of people who also care. Hang out with them and practice.

For me socializing is like a muscle and the more I do it the easier it becomes. I've plugged myself into a silly group of supportive people that help me exercise that muscle on a regular basis and provides me with constant reassurance on the fundamental goodness of strangers. If I'm going to a large gathering that will require more of this skill, I lean into that group harder.

I've had very similar thoughts and feelings - before wfh started, some people in my cube would always say good morning etc when they arrive, and I started panicking that I didn't say hi to others, or in a group meeting where I really didn't have anything to say and stayed silent and smiling.

Then I began to think how would I feel had I acted like X and X who initiated the interaction and participated in the conversation? My answer to that is, I would probably be clueless on how to carry on the conversation and feel awkward not knowing how to stop / concluding the small talk of the morning. That's when I realized I don't enjoy initiating such interactions. Later, I realized that the real reason is that I fear I'll be perceived as less cool or less cheerful than others, but is this an actual problem, though? I've concluded that it's not, for me - I'm in a team that thankfully doesn't push everyone to have the same temperament and I just need to socialize in a way that's comfortable to myself: I might not want to greet everyone everyday, but I could hold private conversations that's a little deeper than small talk which might make slightly stronger bounds.

BTW, Quiet is a great book that I highly recommend.

What you describe is more than being introverted, it sounds more like social phobia.

exactly! i'm on a therapy hope it helps.

As an awkward person I'll offer this.

Average people make frequent small mistakes in social interactions and get excused for it. Even big mistakes.

I've improved the greetings that I give to people. Think of the way an stage actor has to speak and act to be seen clearly by the audience. My attempts at "Hi!" were sometimes indistinct so "Good Morning" or "Good Afternoon" became my default.

Practice when the stakes are low. Sometimes when a stranger (server at a pizza by the slice stand) asks "How are you?" I could think "I'm not sure that the really want to know?" or maybe I think I am feeling great and I say and emote "Great!".

When the feeling is real that is a winning move that draws people in. I plant my feelings like seeds.

I used to be agoraphobic and fixed this.

It takes a lot of time and stepping out of your comfort zone.

Talking to colleagues is relatively easy because most of the time they stay professionals and there are easy social norms you can pick up on, like’Good morning,’How was your weekend ‘, etc.while you’re learning the norms in your office you may make a couple of mistakes but these will likely make people like you more, as the mistakes will make you more relateable.

For wider society what I did was join a board game society. This was especially ideal as most people that go to boardgame clubs are already relatively awkward and will act as good practice boards.

The key thing is though that it will be hard and you will have to push through your anxiety. I've had times when I've been sat at a table with friends and started panicking, in those instances try not to retreat, instead just calm yourself with box breathing and rejoin the social situation when you can. I don’t think anyone has ever noticed me do this

This isn’t really introversion as much as it is a social anxiety disorder, and the solutions to anxiety are usually all the same: therapy (aka psychology), medication (aka psychiatry), mindfulness, and awareness of your thoughts.

As far saying good morning, that is one instance where the “just do it” advice would work. Just say it!

Also, one piece of advice that may help. It’s often a bit narcissistic to sit there and think everyone is sitting there thinking bad things about you and judging you instead working or thinking their own thoughts about their own life. It’s a sort of projection (using them to think of you the way that you think of you) and also a reflection of how you may be judgemental of yourself and others.

So work on taking small steps. Saying good morning will free you up for the day. It’s socially acceptable even to interrupt people to say it. If you really want a leg up, get there early before everyone and greet them as they come in for the day.

There is this misconception that colleagues === friends. They CAN become friends and fraternization is sometimes encouraged in some companies, but friendship is not always the goal. It's okay to treat colleagues parasocially, just as you would a waiter at a restaurant. You play nice, say how's your day, but leave it at that and don't open up (and that's fine!).

In the crypto world, there seems to have emerged an (in my mind, quite socially healthy and highly commendable) institution/tradition/ritual of sending a text or WhatsApp message just saying "Gm!" (meaning "Good morning", not using quote marks, but you can use the exclamation mark) when you "arrive on the scene" (so you can actually send it at any time of day, which means that you can still send it in the afternoon or night, just send it if you haven't communicated with the other persons since the 'previous start of a (working) day'. Personally, I think the best way to think of this is as a kind of "icebreaker", a kind of semi-implicit acknowledgement that the 'social ice' needs to "icebroken" every working day for people who "work together but don't live under the same roof" something which is a key "social challenge" for introverts. That 'arriving at work and not breaking the ice' thing is something that needs to be tackled for those of us who don't feel a compulsion to 'meet and greet' when we 'arrive among others' and workplace arrival is just such a thing. It might sound a bit weird 'sending a text message when you're sitting in the same office', but as I say, anything to 'break the ice' helps deal with the fact that 'meeting and greeting' is something introverts tend to feel uncomfortable about initiating when they arrive every day, yet also feel uncomfortable with and stressed out about the consequences of not having done it.

One thing that helps me is to practice saying "Hi" and "Good morning" in my head before getting to saying it out loud. At this point I automatically say things mentally in my head constantly, even if I just see somebody coming down the hallway at me I rehearse my "Hey" or "Did you do anything fun this weekend?" Good luck.

It requires time investment. You need to acquire a lot of BS knowledge and use it in each situation to (latest sport results, political or celebrity news, information about local stuff, food, culture etc).

Bunch of thoughts on this:

1. Avoidance is a behavior pattern. And the more things you avoid, the stronger the pattern becomes. So forcing yourself to say "good morning" and to smile when you enter the office might be a good idea. But also be on the lookout for things you avoid before you even get to the office. The earlier in the day you can face your social fear and break through the avoidance pattern, the easier it will be.

2. Realize that others have the same fears as you have. It's just that they're just as good as hiding them as you are. All you ever get to see of other people is their exterior. But all the chatter inside their skulls, their pondering and their insecurities are hidden from you. Hence they automatically all look so much "cooler" then yourself (who is the only person on the planet whom you can never ever see without the constant soundtrack of his inner monologue).

3. Get better at "running human in emulation mode", as Elon would put it. This ties in with concept number two. The more clarity you have about the true motives, fears and desires of the people around you, the more helpful you can become. And being able to be helpful is the biggest confidence booster. Alfred Adler posited that "contribution to others" is the most important human need. So the best treatment against fear is discovering what you have to offer.

(An example is someone who is afraid of talking to the opposite sex. The cause of that fear is likely the feeling that he doesn't have anything to offer. The he is just trying to "get" something. But this interpretation is very one-sided. It is the result of "not seeing" the other person, and of being focused only on oneself. The fear dissolves as soon as he realizes that he has the power to make the other person smile, to make her feel good about herself, to make her feel "seen" and appreciated. As soon as that becomes the focus of the interaction, rather than getting something out of it, the fear disappears.)

4. Practice smiling. Most people (especially men) underestimate how threatening they look when they're not smiling - and especially when they are afraid. This is a thing that actually comes up in marriage counseling as well. If you don't smile, you trigger fear in the people around you. They will be just as afraid as you are - and thus you'll be creating proof for the very thing that causes you to feel unhappy (and unsmiling) in the first place, i.e. that nobody wants to have anything to do with you. Look at JFK. Try to find a photo of him where he's not smiling. It's quite hard. Now imagine I'd be sending out a photographer to follow you around all day and snap photos of you. Most likely, the difference would be dramatic. The most simple "hack" here is to simply practice smiling in front of the bathroom mirror. Do it in the morning after brushing your teeth. Consider it an investment in your social hygiene. Just like frowning, and just like fear, smiling is contagious. The more you smile, the more others will be smiling back at you, or start talking to you, or start liking you. Which, of course, will give you even more reason to feel happy. So it becomes an automatic thing. It's just that, when you've been working a lot with emotionless computers, you might need a little "priming of the pump", so to speak.

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