I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless.
No easy answers there.
Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a lot; sleeping on the sofa every night. I felt very, very bad about leaving, but I just could not cope and wondered what would happen for the rest of my life either.
As far as I can tell, my departure promoted her to re evaluate her life, and explore other hobbies and activities. I chose to believe that this has been a net force for good for both parties. I just wish someone would tell me that I did the right thing, and am not a monstrous human, failing a partner in their hour (well, decade) of need.
In my book, you did the right thing. (I’m bipolar, if that helps.)
Genuine question here. What do you mean when you talk about "failing a partner"? It seems like everyone in this type of relationship hesitates to leave because they think they'll damage the other person.
It doesn't sound from what you've written that your partner was doing so well when you were with them. Have you considered that maybe part of the depression was caused by their relationship with you? (Obviously I'm not saying that is the case, but reading your post, you seem to be of the opinion that your relationship was a good thing for your ex-partner.)
For what it's worth, GP, I think you did the right thing too.
But sometimes reflecting back to someone what they just said about their own life is helpful for them.
Perhaps not in this case, given the downvotes and pile on of replies.
Anytime you try to help, it risks going sideways. I'm prone to trying anyway.
Chalk it up to longstanding bad habit (insert wry smile).
I’ve fallen for that trap a few times and so now I even delete comments before posting as if I think “maybe my intent wont come across correctly here”.
I think the problem with the comment (the one starting FWIW) is it comes off a bit sarcastic even if you didn’t mean that.
No, that's not remotely my intent at all.
Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest.
Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way.
I'm only replying in hopes it provides some clarification for the person I originally replied to. I care not at all what others think of me or my motives etc. But I sincerely wish that their takeaway is "You don't need outside validation if you can see with your own eyes that it was for the best." and not "Here is some random internet stranger just adding to your pain because the world is an awful place full of awful people."
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try to clarify that detail.
Glad to hear that.
>Most people raise children on either a guilt model or shame model. I raised mine on the basis of enlightened self interest.
Glad to hear that too
Understandably, many people read in accusations of guilt where none exist. They've been trained that way.
Could you elaborate on that training? If that's what I'm doing, I'd like to understand the mechanism by which I came to that habit.
If you want to sort out how you may be projecting guilt (or projecting guilting behavior) onto other people and how that came to be, you might start a journal.
On HN, the guidelines ask that we assume good faith and take a charitable reading. If you work at that, it's a good exercise in how to sort out who is actually bringing their baggage to the conversation and when it is you, yourself, bringing the baggage.
A good rule of thumb is to observe patterns of behavior. Consider the history of the person speaking whom you seek to judge and consider your own patterns.
I sometimes downvote something on HN and then wonder if it's me, if I really have enough info to judge the comment or if I'm being lazy and reactive without adequate info to properly judge it. If I think "I don't really know that they are behaving badly like I think they are. I'm kind of leaping to conclusions here." I will reverse the downvote.
I usually am trying to understand a comment as best I can from their point of view while respecting myself and why I see it that way. Sometimes it's just not worth hashing out.
There isn't enough time in the day to really understand every random internet stranger, their life story, their personal history, their culture. Sometimes it's better to just drop it as the least worst answer I have in an imperfect world and an imperfect life with a limited amount of time on this earth.
There are people who spend years in therapy tracking down the defects in their own patterns of thought. It's not something that typically gets fixed in a "once and done" fashion.
Though sometimes it does get fixed that way. Sometimes just having the right thing said does make a person go "I did not know that about myself (or about how life works)." And they are permanently changed for the better without a lot of drama.
I feel like this is probably what people mean when they speak of seeking enlightenment -- that magical aha! moment that doesn't hurt and makes everything better forever.
Best of luck in your journey.
That has been my experience too when I left my partner.
This makes me wonder if putting people with mental problems into a new situation away from family can break some of the negative patterns. My sister used to live with my parents for many years, barely left the home besides for work and in general just hated life. Then she went to a six month stationery treatment and you could see with very visit how she did better. Now she has her own place and an OK life . Maybe family or partners can prolong mental problems? Even if they want to help it's possible they are also contributing to the problem.
That said, I've also seriously contemplated suicide in all these times of crisis, and I'm guessing a certain percentage of people in this type of situation won't make it through. Whether it's ethical to force them to deal with an even more awful reality in hopes that they'll become stronger is questionable, but I believe it's sometimes necessary, because many people with depression/anxiety don't really live anyway.
I'm personally glad that not everyone tolerated my unhealthy lifestyle and outlook on life, otherwise I'd still be living with my parents without a job and without having seen anything other than the inside of my bedroom.
I fully acknowledge why I was left and I’m trying to be better.
Staying just for their sake will be worse in the long run.
I have bipolar depression.
"Now I miss you,
Now I want you,
But I can't have you,
Even when you're here"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOd-rz8lDXQ&list=PLhMrEC5L8T...