Feeling that I'm not only alone but inadequate to have a life like anybody else.
I'm still alive, so there's that.
Going through tough times sucks, but it's extremely helpful to keep in mind that it will eventually pass.
Stay strong.
In 2022 I'll study to become a programmer.
Focus on algorithms, data structures, and try to learn math (I'm very math illiterate, I don't know anything beyond basic arithmetic).
So at least by this time next year I'll have more knowledge.
But I'm open to any advice.
I went BASIC -> C++ -> Java -> Python (some years ago) while learning programming. Learning memory management fundamentals in an unmanaged language felt enormously helpful in recognizing the bigger picture in later managed languages.
... But! It wasn't required.
Advice: Know what language(s) your target job market (there's a lot of programming) uses, and spend more time / practice on those. Most hiring folks don't know enough to evaluate language knowledge from a theoretically similar perspective.
So I would explore and see how far you can get in math before investing to heavily into a specific language. If you want to learn one that’s useful in many domains and is easy to learn while focusing your studies on math my suggestion is Python.
Now if you're in to mastering complexity, C++ can be a great choice, as there are a ton of complex things to learn, but I would take a look at job postings where you think you might want to end up to see if it is actually required. It is very unsexy to talk about on HN, but for pure employability, Java (and other JVM-based languages) are probably the best in most areas. There are tons of remote jobs, and pretty much in any city, plus you can branch out into other JVM-based languages (e.g. Scala!) once you feel so inclined and still incorporate that at work. C# and F# have a similar "progression" and are now completely open source too!
Good luck, whether or not you end up choosing C++!
I agree with other comments that linear algebra has limited relevance to learning programming. Your experience with Emacs gives you a far bigger leg up than mastering linear algebra would.
Problems you solve with programming may or may not require math: the math requirements come from the specific problems.
Every time I've used heavy math in programming, I've figured out the math for the problem in isolation, then programmed that solution.
Strictly that is incorrect, but I get what you mean and agree with the point you’re communicating. I suspect it’s largely due to the rather dysfunctional way mathematics is taught in America.
Writing C for example requires knowledge of order of operations, inequalities, boolean arithmetic, and something very much like mathematical induction if you want your loops to terminate. Most programmers with the math optional mindset just don’t think of all the math they’re doing as math. For me the realization was empowering since once I realized I really was using a lot of math it inspired me to start filling gaps in my knowledge.
Edit: This looks interesting: https://pimbook.org/
To a first approximation, this is a substantially more limited set of concepts than even low-grade math.
Iterating counters and loops is the most "general" math I've used on most problems, and for...each or equivalent auto-bounding functions over sized collections removes that.
Can you write a 3D engine without math? No. Can you write a DB engine without math? No. Can you write a general web app without math? Probably.
Point being: if your goal is to put food on the table by programming, a 2-year study plan worth of advanced math is better invested learning elsewhere.
Most linear algebra courses and textbooks do. Without a lot of background, you'll run into a hard brick well.
A few good starting points
- Project Algebra's Road Coloring curriculum
- 3B1B (on Youtube) has a series on the geometry of linear algebra. You should have the mechanics of adding/multiplying matrices, but not much more
- Game theory is a nice place to explore early
Linear algebra is a many, many year progression. It's quite deep and interesting. But you don't need to start with singular value decompositions and whatnot. Start with those sorts of things, and then apply it in different domains:
- 3D graphics
- Image processing
- Control theory
- Quantum computing
- Data analysis
... and whatever else suits your interests.
After a decade or so, if rather fascinating deep dives, you'll have a deep understanding not just of linear algebra but of some rather interesting domains.
Just sayin', if someone is truly not a math person, saying "oh yeah, learn math and then learn graphics programming" is probably just going to discourage them.
ML is supposedly all about math. And sure, I could walk you through a backprop pipeline at this point. But it took me years before that was useful knowledge to me. The practical experience of doing it was way more interesting, and it lead to more knowledge than I would've gotten with a traditional path.
I was mostly math illiterate too. Geometry was my strong suit, not manipulating symbols. Still want to learn PDEs someday just for fun, mostly because I have no idea how to model anything as a PDE.
But I would never try to learn PDEs to make money, because it would put me under a lot of pressure, since I wouldn't be doing it just for the knowledge. Just make sure you're having fun as you're questing your way towards programming. It's key.
I already use Emacs for everything since 2003, so...
Believe it or not, you managed to hit on the most lucrative long-term strategy, too. That's exactly the mindset that the best programmers have. If you like it, then a job is pretty much a matter of time.
Best of luck, friend. Take care of yourself, and prioritize yourself. You're worth it.
I'm always curious what non-IT folks that use some rather IT-specific tools do (not that Emacs is just for coding like gcc, but it's pretty rare to see it jump over the wall).
Good on you, man, and honestly, I should be the last to take advice from, but you might benefit from a serious skills check-in to see what your real deck of cards is. Sit down and do it with someone who likes you and wants you to succeed, because it seems like you might not be in a state to evaluate yourself favorably. You might discover that you’re sitting at the top and selling yourself into the bottom. I did this, and it was disastrous for my career. There’s probably an upward step you’re not seeing.
You'll definitely be great at software engineering, as the intuition to dive deep into the bowels of these archaic ways of using a computer seems to come naturally! (especially compared to my attorney friends, who basically just use the browser, Outlook, and Word, and probably think a "command line" is some sort of military jargon)
Some people have recommended Kahn Academy. https://www.khanacademy.org/
Don’t be afraid to use a calculator when things get complex. Calculators are not cheating. But try to do as much in your head and on paper as you can. It helps to learn why things work.
You will get frustrated. Be patient and walk away for a bit when you need to. :)
As a kid, I used to complain often and loudly that I would never need any of this stuff. Turns out I was wrong.
You can turn around your life. I did so in my 30s. I am only saying this because there's a high chance you are an old fart since you know and like kraftwerk.
As you have correctly guessed, it's not too late.
I like to remind myself of the encouraging phrase "We overestimate what we can can accomplish in a year, and under estimate what we can accomplish in five". Compounding gains is the game and humans always seem to underestimate their power
In game programming you would need linear algebra, but you can go a long way with just vectors, cross products, and dot products.
I happen to like hearing about your life, so please feel free to DM me any time. https://twitter.com/theshawwn
Happy to just listen. No advice.
I will mention that I suspect many people going through this won't be comfortable with Twitter as the means of communications....
At least according to me you definitely are not inadequate :)
What OP brought up is what I think about the most: that I am too inadequate to just have a normal life. Just going to work is a little painful since I have to (over)hear everyone else talking about their normal lives.
I'm also going through a breakup right now, albeit from a shorter relationship. I was happy to spend Christmas with my sister to have some illusion of a functional family, it was nice. It feels unbearable at times but I try to find solace in the fact the world is so vast and full of opportunity and so much more than what you're (I am) able to see in the current moment. Your plan to study to become a programmer sounds great and you'll be in a much different place in a year than you are now. Hope you can pull through until then.
I also had a dark period some years back. Such things can sure mess with your ego and make you feel like a loser.
On the other hand, when you hit rock bottom, there is not much left to lose. You can start building up your life again the way you want.
Merry Christmas, bro/sis.
Hang in there. I think the past two years have been rough for many, so you aren't alone in the struggles. If you haven't already gotten diet and exercise to a good point then that can also be good for helping both the body and the mind.
Additionally, I'm always up for a chat, if anyone ever needs someone to reach out to.
Programming is a great distractions, as others have pointed out. Make sure you don't use it to completely displace the pain you're feeling. You need to spend some time with it as well, that's how we humans deal with an it. Alternating between moments of distraction and periods of "dealing" is a good middle way, I think.
You're a great human being, never forget that.
You're not alone in that experience. Which isn't information that has helped me at all. Except that I at least believe that others have been here and scrambled blindly and made it somehow too, so why not us?
Walk. Outdoors. In the greenest place you can find.
No, it won’t change anything that you’ve been through, but it really will help you to quiet everything for a small chunk of time to let your mind get a rest from it.
Please don’t ever think you’re inadequate. No-one, not even you, as any idea what might be waiting in your future :-)
Thanks for the help and kind words.
An audio book at that time, however, is a great solution. Audio books, for me, can't occupy my entire mind. I can't sit and listen to an audio book. At the same time, they occupy enough of my mind that I can't do other mentally intense things and pay attention to the book at the same time. I had used them for driving, yard work, and other boring tasks to quiet the noise in my head and the feeling of boredom[0] that the task occupies.
When walking with a good audio book, I can observe the world without the noise of my circumstances and it really is a peaceful exercise.
[0] For me, boredom drives depression.
Although the reality is the mind is anything but idle for those predisposed to depression. The rumination, negative thought patterns and self-critical thoughts are worse than a prison sentence of solitary confinement.
For those who may not understand this, imagine standing over a 5 year old constantly berating them, in a horrifically negative way, for every action they take, good or bad. Now imagine the effects of that over years or decades.
Then my allergies will flair up and I'll have a miserable 1-2 days of recovery and be hating life. No thanks
You’re just as worthy of life on this earth as anything else. Hang in there!
However, there are a few things that helped me get through the dark times, I am writing them below in the hopes that you may find them useful:
1. Exercise, this is absolutely critical. If you have never done it, it's ok, Julian has a great guide to get started: https://www.julian.com/guide/muscle/intro but there are also lots of guides online.
2. Nutrition is another one, stay away from junk food. Your brain will try to find comfort in high calorie / sugary foods, don't let it win. Eat vegetables and proteins instead.
3. Sleep is a tough one, but also important. Do whatever you need to sleep (exercising will help a lot). Your brain will keep you up at night, learn to recognize this pattern and avoid it when you can.
4. Make a plan. Grab a blank sheet of paper and think of one goal you would like to accomplish, then make the task into smaller sub tasks and from there derive a schedule for achieving it. This will help you stay productive and improve your state of mind.
5. Research. This oddly helped me a lot, I started researching psychology, relationships, listened to "dating" advice (I know.. some speakers were good, some were trash but I enjoyed them nonetheless), TED talks, books, etc.
6. Join communities. If you're an introvert like I am, this is difficult at first but you can start slow. I did this slowly, made a few friends online, then worked up the courage to join discord, then started messaging some of my old friends on Facebook, then had some phone calls and eventually met people face to face (whenever COVID restrictions would allow of course)
7. Don't reach out to your ex, when she/he calls you (and they will) don't respond, avoid contact with their families, don't read old messages, delete their picture, etc Trust me, you have been shot with high caliber rounds right now, you need to heal and they will only get in the way of it.
You can do it, too, and the effect on mood is spectacular. In fact the effect on mood comes way before a half-marathon. So don’t get overwhelmed and think you have to do that much.
I'm not a fan of self help books in general but Atomic Habits really changed my mindset for good.
If it's a good idea ... start now!
* One each of push-up, sit-up, burpee, star jump, squat, and run up and down the stairs;
* Every week, increase by 1.
Running groups seem intimidating to everyone - even reasonably fast amateur runners. Once you go however you will find you will meet lots of interesting people all working to stay healthy or challenge their own personal goals. It's absolutely not a competitive environment.
Even still, maybe I’ll give it a try. Thanks for the tip.
I would never get up so early if it weren't for these groups.
Other than these running groups I actually don't have a friend group where I live. It's nice to consistently see a mix of regular and new people and do something healthy (except for your knees perhaps) together.
By the way I really like wearing Hoka One One shoes for their extra cushioning. Definitely helps with pavement.
If you are bored of pavement, at least where I live there are many trail running groups too. I just don't like having to drive far to start running.
Anyway, again: thank you very much. This is very appreciated. Very kind of you.
I have found this book (https://tinyurl.com/4k27x6s9) to be a wonderful resource. I know there are many more to recommend, but I would start with the basics.
*EDIT - spelling.
My point is that what you're going through will pass. It does take work; so keep up doing the things you know must be done to move your life ahead. You have received lots of good advice in this thread; I don't need to say more (except one thing I will add at the end). Do what you need to do, and this period will be over, and life will be good.
My one piece of advice is that I've found meditation is very helpful. It enables me to let go of negative thinking that arises from painful times decades ago, when those thoughts do arise. It's a very important part of my life now.
The vulnerability, honesty, and goodwill in threads like this always warms my heart and bolsters my faith in humanity. I'll offer my own contribution. I wrote a deeply personal book called "Eating Glass" about navigating these seasons when everything seems to fall apart. I mention it from time to time on HN when I think it could be helpful, but today I'll just post the entire book for free: https://s3.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/com.markdjacobsen/Eating+.... My passion is just to help others walking similar journeys. Consider it a resource if it's helpful.
I wish you well on your own journey, and everyone else going through similar experiences.
Why? because even if your decision was mistaken, it was the best decision you could have made at that time.
Another way to look at things is that you've just gained a tremendous amount of agency. You're no longer required to perform these roles. There are surely dreams or opportunities out there which you wanted to pursue but were never able to. Take whatever amount of time you feel is appropriate to grieve, it's very normal to experience distress in the face of radical change. Then pursue them. There won't be many times in your life when you're presented with a clean slate like this.
You're still alive, but you probably don't feel like you're living. Maybe life is becoming a bit like getting from one difficult thing to the next. And those "things" aren't anything that is normally difficult, but feels overwhelming. I've both been there recently and have been there, in the past. It's tough and my heart goes out to you.
Most advice is bad so here comes mine: get from one thing to the next for a little while. Take the time. You need it. And understand one thing: you're not special[0]. Whatever mistakes you're beating yourself up over many, many others have made and experienced the same or worse circumstances. The very vast majority overcome those mistakes, and many do it without medication, doctors or other treatment[1].
And then there's "later" -- whatever that is: During a divorce group meeting a gentleman said something that greatly affected my life: Whether its winning the lottery or becoming a quadriplegic, the happiness of both individuals looks pretty similar a year later. Neither have ever happened to me, but in my own life, that 1-year rule was something that time-and-again proved to be true. And my timeline is typically 3-4 months, not one year. As they say, "this too shall pass".
I've lost a great job in the past. I found a better one. I lost a pretty rough relationship, not by choice, to the point that I'm not interested in doing that again. I hate being alone[2], but I know that the sting will fade and I'll start dating, again. And I know there's someone who will want to share life with me in a way that is more fulfilling than my former relationship was.
Easily the biggest factor, for me, was re-discovering my Christian faith. I realize there aren't a lot of us in this place and I'm not interested in being preachy -- to each his own -- but its really the only thing I can credit with getting me through a really rough tragedy about a decade ago. It wasn't "being surrounded by other caring people at church" which caused me to be less lonely or made my life better because of that. I don't put myself out there very easily. I didn't know anyone at my church and didn't meet anyone until well after those circumstances passed. It was prayers, all of which were answered, several of which were answered in ways that I refer to them as miracles. Yeah, yeah, I can explain them as coincidences, too. They're not but I'm not going to attempt to defend that.
The only other bit of advice I'd offer is stay as far away from alcohol or other mind altering substances as much as you can. One of the ways out is finding a purpose for your life to replace the ones you've lost. This will be impossible if you add another layer of resistance on top of the problems you already have. You lost. You're not a loser. You had a 7-year relationship. You had a job. Those came from something you did and you probably had far more success in those places than you had failure, but you won't be able to see that clearly right now.
I'm praying for you and your circumstances. This time of year really amplifies loneliness. I'm right here with you.
Merry Christmas!
[0] I chose that word intentionally, not insultingly. When I'm depressed it's easy to feel like I'm the only one who's going through what I'm going through and that I'm uniquely cursed. Somehow using the word "special" to describe that situation makes it seem a little less difficult.
[1] I'm not saying don't do this -- I see a psychologist, regularly, now and have been doing that for a few years. Finding a good psychologist changed my life and it might help you, too. I only mention this because it helps to get past the whole "I'm too depressed to call a doctor/doctors, so I'm going to be stuck here forever".
[2] To clarify: I like alone time, I don't like "being alone". My family all lives pretty far away, I have few friends close by, I have a 3-bedroom house with "just me", I have my children part-time. I spend a lot of time stuck with my thoughts these days, but comparing today to 3 weeks ago, I'm happy a lot of the time now -- maybe most of the time.
While most traditional Christmas stories and many people focus on celebrating children, love and family, material goods, etc it's also about looking on the bright side of life, counting your blessings, and carrying on traditions. A happy Christmas is a choice, and my advice to all who are alone today is this: Build your own traditions, buy yourself something and wrap it up nice, decorate a tree, make gingerbread houses, or cook a meal you really like, whatever appeals to you.
I'll leave you with the last line from How the Grinch Stole Christmas and a link to an In Our Time episode about (A Christmas Carol)[https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0012fl5]:
"Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer. Cheer to all Who's far and near Christmas day is in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas day will always be, just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand."
What helps is hiking, I guess, trying to get a grip on whether doing it alone or with others helps more.
I guess this is close to being rock bottom for me at this point, hope you guys feel at least a tiny bit ok.
And while in general I think that it's great and fulfilling to have good relationships with people, in my specific case I think I was similar to you - I have completely linked my personal happiness to being with someone and I paid too much attention to approval from other people. So I think I can partially relate.
Right now I'm trying to find what I actually want from life and learn how to be alone and at peace. And I agree that hiking or simply wandering around the city alone is a great meditative experience that brings me some joy at least.
I just wanted to say that I believe that with time it gets better, and trying to dig up from the lowest points of our lives is a big and rewarding challenge to have. I wish you peace and love; sending virtual hugs. You are not alone.
As for this experience being an opportunity and a challenge - I totally agree, even though it does not seem so ATM.
Let us both embrace this challenging-but-worthwile part of it, I guess, while also acknowledging the hard ones. Wish you love and peace as well along your journey!
Our extant societal memeplex makes it seem like relationships are the default setting, and available to the majority with just a bit of effort. However, this could not be further from the truth in my experience. Very few relationships are successful, and most are in some stage of slow motion RUD. Often, the fallout from a failed relationship is worse than not having been in one in the first place.
There are solutions to this, but they will seem anachronistic to the HN crowd. Turns out that the concept of a marriage is very related to Christmas: it is a religious construct, and as such, cannot be removed from that context. Attempts to do so will more often than not result in immense suffering for all involved.
Ancient oak trees, with canopies the size of houses, gingerly cartwheeling down the street, until a wind shift sends it rolling through the neighbors(empty) house. Watching their entire lives evaporate into projectiles that peppered everything downwind.
Modern garage door being sucked out, thrown over the house, to impale itself into the house behind it, evaporating it a few seconds later.
Large trucks, turning side-over-side, like logs rolling down a hill.
A cast iron bench being launched like a rocket into a neighbors window, turning the contents of that room, window, frame, and window air conditioner into a debris field; something from with-which punched a hole through a stop sign.
The roof of my house being lifted 6-10 inches directly upward, rotated about 30 degrees, and slammed back down. Like a sonic boom went off 10ft over-head.
Front support column being blown through my living room window, glass embedding itself into the walls opposite.
The physics of your everyday environment radically and violently change, you see things that you can't see anywhere else. I was on a few drugs while everything was going on, and there's so much more, but none of that was what really messed me up.
I don't know if other people have ever seen something that their brain couldn't understand at all. Like all context does not exist, this is entirely new to human experience kinda thing:
My house had a big ditch behind it, then a set of train tracks that were about a foot lower than my land grade, then another big ditch, then a state park. A very large state park that was miles and miles of ancient oaks, swamps, etc.
I walked out behind my house when the storm cleared, and I froze because I couldn't understand what I was seeing: Imagine an eldritch-old forest, you see it everyday, and now where an impenetrable wall of wood was, is now white horizon. It had been flattened, or erased. My eyes were seeing the white horizon while my brain was struggling with my memory and anticipation. It's the most disassociated I've ever felt without advanced chemistry.
I saw almost the exact same thing last week. One of the neighbours lost their roof and when it blew off it looked like levitation for a few minutes. Then it shifted about 100 feet and slammed to the ground.
I succeeded in hiking >10 miles yesterday and today, legs willing, I'll be at least spending part of the day in the PacNW forests to keep the depression at bay.
<3
JWST was my Christmas present. I'm happy to see we've got final separation and the last view of the telescope. If anything, it's the best thing I could ask for today.
Hiking is a way to clear my head. I had an 18 year relationship end not long ago — in 3 & 4th grade I had a teacher who would take us hiking on unofficial field trips. I realized I missed it and the connection with nature plus the isolation one can achieve given you avoid the popular hikes.
Enjoy some of it for me. I will get out there, someday...
I keep saying it, before I visit any foreign country, I'm spending some time in the PacNW.
I am disabled, and homeless living in my van. I have a family history of mental illness and even they abandoned me. My friends, I get it, they just did not understand what happened to me. I make $1600 on disability but I still cannot find housing. Even when people
I love your sentiment but virtual hugs do not do it for me, nor for most people in my position.
What do we need? An understanding of Mental Illness stigma, housing for the 60% of us homeless who have a serious mood disorder, lower cost housing for the disabled. All of these would give me stability and a community again where I can feel like I am part of something instead of being an outsider.
There have been great people that helped me, and I hold no regrets because it reduces the stress and that helps me deal with my mental illness, but all the suffering comes right back, because here I am, alone again, in my van, in a vacant public park, on Christmas morning.
You want to really hug me? Start a revolution.
But for the first time this year, I reached out to spend Christmas with my bestfriend and his family. Its a lot of fun.
I also met the love of my life, and although she's traveling with her family right now, we are getting engaged soon and she reassures me ill never have to spend a Christmas alone.
I never thought I'd spend a Christmas with loved ones in my life, so if you are feeling alone, just know that it could change.
Much love, and merry christmas
He’d almost certainly be watching the James Webb Telescope launch
In my thinking, we live on in those who knew us. So he's cheering it on through you.
That type of grief is humbling, initially destructive and absolutely crippling. I've experienced that loss and found the highs and lows to be challenging, but what ever feelings you have, you're not alone. It doesn't get easier, but, the pain does become familiar and less frequent.
Best of luck to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’re not alone.
We live in a different times. Many are alone.
1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202009...
It's hard to do so without being really close with someone but I wish all could have speck of shared empathy from this thread. We are not just boxes of text but real people around the world who all have their share of good and bad. Pushing away feelings does work and you get lot of things done doing so. But I don't recommend doing so in the long run - the re-prioritization can be quite shock once you notice all the stuff don't bring you that much joy.
We are all cave-people still, living now in our little caves, using tools that still require a lot of grinding to make and to use (mental mostly), still afraid of monsters and winters.
We are still mesmerized by lightnings, storms, stars, and everything that happens above and inside us. We're curious about world and life around, scribble things on our walls, we sleep a lot, and dream!
Ones in San Diego, CA, I saw a bunch of seals laying on nice stinky rocks, chatting about something with each other. Some younger pup was trying to crawl on other seal's head (just for fun of it, probably). So another bigger seal literally hugged the pup with that flapper arm of theirs and kept on telling whatever story that was. It worked!
We hug, therefore we exist.
So yes, I'll be spending most of my time alone, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Anyway, have a "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays" or "Happy Festivus" or whatever holiday greeting you desire from me. And a virtual hug as well.
I got to get my aluminum pile from the crawl space for next year.
Looking at this again in context of this thread no it’s commentary becomes clearer.
Lately I've been coming back to reading short citations from philosophers. What's great is that you can chose any topic you like, and find quotes from all kinds of influential people on the topic (on one of the "quotes" cites, there are several) and see what the collective wisdom of civilizations has to propose - it's like a conversation with the past, and has been part of the solution for me.
Most of all I would recommend reading Proverbs - consider it a toolbox to peruse - I think most anyone can find some "missing piece" there that can get one unstuck from whatever rut one might be in: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs+1&vers...
Finally, if you feel up to it at some point, I would encourage you to seek out those who are also lonely - I've been doing music at retirement homes for a while now, and it's very worthwhile - perhaps there are charities involved in alleviating loneliness in your area - visiting, talking, organizing events... there is lots of room for creativity and meeting generous people.
Best wishes, Sebastian.
Of course, you can still enjoy Christmas without being into any of the religious stuff, if you wish. I’ve been an atheist since I realized religion wasn’t for me at about the age of six, and Christmas is actually fun for me because there’s no pressure. It’s just a bullshit holiday like any of the others and an excuse to celebrate, or not. If you don’t like it, you can just ignore parts or all of it.
I believe that it all comes down to "Love". That's the key. All other "rules" are mostly human-made. Your relationship with God is just that: a relationship between you and God. And that's YOUR business and God's!
I too was raised a Catholic, but there are many places where priests are not as good as they should be.
I think I'm lucky on that, that I had a good priest for the biggest part of my life. I developed interest in finding out more and, for the most part, most lay people's common knowledge is wrong.
God does not want you locked up in a bunch of rules. God (even being apparently very absent) wants you to be happy thru Love. And that's all! (and, funny enough, the catholic church does defend that! It's just very sad they miss by a lot to put that into practice - but, then again, they are humans as well...).
You can ignore the guidelines, but that will come at a cost (mostly to yourself). That is how I understand Catholic virtues. The desire to rebel against this is the same instinct every child has when their parent tells them to brush their teeth and not binge-eat Halloween candy.
But to each his own, rebellion is a compelling source of identity for the young. Not so much later in life.
I think it's all about Love... Every "rule" comes from this...
I'll be there too :)
Christmas is seen as a moment to be spent with people, but IMO this day is only what you make of it. It is not bad to want to be totally alone, or connected with online randoms!
There are many people in these virtual worlds that you probably share something with if you spend Christmas alone or are reading this message on Dec 25th. I’m glad HN exists.
And if you really want another experice, go east if you can afford it, and enjoy in places where Dec 24/25th are just regular days.
Maybe it’s me, I just never saw how things that make other people happy can be depressing for someone else.
Truth be told, it would take some effort to trust someone enough to spend it with them now. I can thank my own family (back when I considered them family) for that.
Now I just make my own dinner, play some video games, and chill out. Took a fair few years to get there though.
(I'll shamelessly plug these open-source world parties https://opensimworld.com/?sub=events )
Everybody has their team of guides in the higher dimensions, and they are never on vacation, they are present every second of every day and every night.
You just need to learn to perceive them and to connect to them.
Note:
It's not about not believing in yourself.
It's about acquiring the certainty that you are actually linked to the benevolent beings in the higher dimensions. Once you realize this, you can get immense help/guidance/information/capabilities. In short: It's about _empowering_ yourself, not _limiting_ yourself.
Citation needed.
I'd rather be reminded that we share the planet with 7.9 billion other humans. A tiny planet all alone in an immense universe.
On this planet we are all alone, together.
_Experience needed_ is what you're actually saying. For those living exclusively in the material dimension and who are thus having a hard time with the subtle dimensions, psychedelics may give you that break-through experience that you need as a starting point.
For those, Christmas is a mix of happiness and sadness. Happiness if there is someone left with who to share our life with, sadness for missing those who left...
You're not alone either!
I’m in the same boat. I have friends but they’re spread out through the country. On top of that - most of them spend time with their families during these holidays. I’m the weird one who is estranged from his entire family, has few friends nearby, and is now single. It used to be I spent this time of the year traveling the world and spending my Christmas with my ex. But I’ll be spending the next few christmases alone while I try to find another partner.
I went through a divorce with a massive emotional rollercoaster which devastated me for a few years. Lost excellent job/research opportunities/offers. Lost contact with family, friends and mates. Got social anxiety, avoided people and felt unprecedentedly alone. Life pushed me off my limits and left me crushed and helpless.
But I survied. Got a deeper appreciation for good things in life. For time, for loved ones, for humans, for I am one. Tried my luck with a new job, joined again some communities recovered some of my old hobbies and good habits. I got to know myself better.
The thing is, it will pass. What helped me was deriving value from within and jogging.
I wish you luck and Merry Christmas!
Also, Merry Christmas!
As an ecomm play, the holidays are also mark the end of our busy season. So it’s a lot at once, but I try to keep in mind that I am still happier working for myself than I ever was working for someone else. I am also so grateful for all the joy we bring to the world.
Merry christmas.
>Scrooge: Oh, Spirit. Must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene? How can they endure it?
>Bob Crachit: It's all right, children. Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I am sure we shall never forget Tiny Tim or this first parting that there was among us.
I don't know how you can endure it, and I don't know how you can fill that hole. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
Actually, I am quite content by myself. It was sort of an ego/"am I not good enough for someone else" feeling that made me feel negative. But, that is not a good reason to enter a relationship with someone.
On balance, would I enjoy being in a relationship with someone? Questionable. I quite like the contentment, quietude, and freedom that comes with living by myself.
In either case, not worth agonizing over.
If anyone is alone and wants to shoot the shit to get through this holiday email me terminal dot recluse at gmail dot com
I'm an only child with a very small family, so our holidays were just me, mom, and dad. Growing up (and even a little bit today) I always felt lonely, especially when comparing our family to all the large Irish and Italian families that I went to grade school with.
But the older I get, the more I focus on just being grateful for the time I still have with them. It does make me sad to think of when they pass away (my dad is 74 with health conditions).
Virtual hugs to you all.
They're bunch of white Americans aged 40-70? for whom Christmas would usually be a big day. I dont know them well enough to ask personal questions about family, but a backpacking crew does feel like comforting place to be 'alone'.
America's holidays are so strongly tied to the last week of Dec (24-31), that not having any plans can feel really isolating even if you don't care for Christmas. Calling friends on that long week to ask to hang out and repeatedly realizing that everyone has 'plans', can make you feel super left out.
For a while I did wonder if I was being actively left out. Then realized that being a single guy without family in the US means having to find the few others like you who WILL make plans in November. Either seek them out or lead the planning efforts. But, trying to find a plan to hop on into in December is a terrible idea.
It also seems like a reminder that the internet really does have the power to bring people together in meaningful substantive ways.
Especially when there are still social platforms that allow for clear minimally augmented communication between individuals.
Thank you for the inspiring post and thank you HN for an inspiring year!
Anyway, indeed, virtual hugs to those alone these holidays!
Anyway, I'm joining the virtual all-HN hug. Some people have it worse, and if you (the person reading this) are one of those people, I want you to know that you matter and I want you to be safe and know that whatever is going on WILL blow over one day.
If it helps to make you feel better, feel free to write me an email (contact in profile) about the things on your mind.
Another aspect I will put out there is that often these days the people we have the most in common with are just on the internet and not physically nearby. I think it's quite wrong to think that online interactions aren't meaningful.
My family is having a quarantine Christmas. We’ll be done on Monday.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLHxxBTl71I
> "River expresses regret at the end of a relationship... but it's also about being lonely at Christmas time... A Christmas song for people who are lonely at Christmas! We need a song like that." — Joni Mitchell
Have a big virtual hug.
I just had a Christmas dinner alone spiraling on how much of a failure i am given my horrible social skill. But this really cheer me up!
If you're in a position to have a sense of humor about it, think about how you're skipping all the Christmas diner conversations that are going to be even tougher this year, now that the world has turned into a real-life Facebook argument !
Cheers and take care of yourselves !
The sun came out for a few minutes, and grabbed a steak from the freezer. It's gone away again now, but too late. Screw it, I'm barbequing myself a steak for Christmas.
All of you out there alone today, enjoy. Get out that (perhaps metaphorical) steak of yours and enjoy.
Sending you a virtual hug nonetheless :)
I'm having a good Christmas alone.
Have a virtual hug back! And a virtual hug to anyone else who needs it!!
But take some time to make a nice dinner if you can. Little things make a big difference.
Merry Christmas.
Have a virtual hug from me. Love you all
I really hope things get better
and its all my fault!!!
I am alone too, but to be completely honest, I actually am kind of relieved. The holidays were always a stressful time for me, our family dynamic is not very good and now after 2 years, everyone is drifting apart, and it's kind of a relief.
I am going to be doing a little virtual celebration and chatting online with a couple of friends but other than that, no stressful travel, no stressful family gatherings, no listening to racist right-wing rants from ignorant relatives, no rushing around to get ready for the holidays.
Actually, I am kind of digging this.
Merry Christmas to you too.
And we don't need "Christmas" for a virtual hug. We can do that every day of the year.
I think everyone has that to a different extent during the holidays.
I am very much not alone but for many of us this time of year made quite a positive impression on us when we were a kid. It’s hard not to yearn for those days especially if we’ve lost a parent or other family member in the interim.
I also noticed that in instances where the one or two families still home on my block who had friends or family pull up I felt kind of envious, which has never happened before.
I'm alone this Christmas, and it's bloody great, a morning of simracing, followed by pizza and a nap then maybe watch die hard.
A large proportion of people seem to make the assumption that being with family is amazing and everyone should do it. But if your family are largely arseholes, then why waste your time and energy?
I think you might need to reevaluate either your word choice or your perceptions
You can't argue against solitude. If people feel alone, it's because they would like to be around others, but can't.
Telling them not to feel that way "just because" is useless, and telling them they should feel like you do because you decided it's better is just condescending.
OP has decided to simply rip off the band-aid, and accept reality. This is very painful in the short term, but incredible fulfilling in the long-term.
Human existence is individual existence. Human survival is group survival, but that is another matter entirely. Presently, our societies are not structured to incentivize survival (quite the opposite, in fact). The dissatisfaction expressed in this discussion is a result of this dissonance. However, individuals can rarely alter the behavior of society, and as such, investing one's energies in this direction is often destructive. This iteration of society will cease to exist, and the society which survives it will by necessity value relationships and fecundity. However, societies can stay unhealthy far longer than individuals can remain sane. Therefore, it is best to accept solitude, and be pleasantly surprised, than to dread it and suffer.
Partly. People may genuinely want to be alone, but the culture spewed by the media says that everyone is social and happy and warm and fuzzy this time of the year, like, they must be, to the point where it's wrong not to be. Hollywood-style culture has done many numbers on society, this is one of them.
What I'm trying to say, why do we not just take posts like these and accept that it can do something positive for people. Nothing more nothing less. This bit by Ricky Gervais perfectly sums your post up for me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3dxMGzt5mU
For most of the western world and all the countries where Christmas is a big holiday season, it’s just not a day like any other. It’s one of those few times in a year when families get together, and in the case of the above mentioned countries, people travel far to meet and be with others. The people who do this may not be Christian or believe in Christmas either, but it’s traditionally become a time to meet and spend time with others. Since a lot of the world population lives in the Northern Hemisphere, where it’s usually winter (like) time around Christmas and kinda cold and/or gloomy, it makes a lot of sense for a species like homo sapiens to spend time indoors with others and find some comfort that they cannot readily find stepping outside.
I’m not saying that all this is universally true, but at this time, wherever you find people either trying to be with family and extended family or are unhappy that they aren’t able to, this is the culture. Anyone who doesn’t feel this way could potentially be made to feel as the odd one out or feel excluded from communities.
Considering how the nearly two-year-long pandemic has turned social lives and traditions into non-events, I think we need to comfort people virtually. It costs almost nothing.
It's also not helping that Facebook seems to be shadowbanning me sometimes and not showing my content to my own friends.
This seems to be a new widespread problem since a couple months ago, because I click into some friends' profiles and see things that were never in my feed on those days.
I think this post addresses the feeling of loneliness rather than any specific alone/not alone situation. And feelings are really hard to get rid of, so it's not actually that easy to just "not feel" something.
Feelings like this should be analysed, understood and maybe slowly accepted as part of life, and then people usually can find some kind of peace and happiness.
My children think “this whole Christmas thing” is the very best day of the year. And there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching them make memories they’ll cherish all of their days - memories like the ones I made when I was a kid. So no, it is not a day like many others. It’s Christmas, and it’s special to me and mine.
I have genuine sadness that you don’t share in the same joy my children experience in the the wonder and joy this Holiday brings. But I find it contemptible that you would diminish the joy others have in Christmas in order to justify your own malcontent.
Other people’s joy is not your problem and not something that needs fixing.
https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-christmas-in-decembe...
If someone is used to do doing this and is unable to, it's not hard to see why they would feel lonely.
I chose not to visit with friends and family last year due to covid but I didn't feel lonely. I observed some of my usual traditions like preparing some fancier than usual food and drink, zoomed and played games online with friends and family and had a nice and relaxing day.
One could choose another day, it just happens to be this day. :)
We're bombarded with so many messages about Christmas being a time of happiness and togetherness, but it's with false intent; it's mostly all about guilting people into buying unnecessary consumer products for their loved ones, and increasing revenues for retailers.
Christmas was stolen from the Christians and had the act of collective worship for their saviour - a genuine feeling of coming together as one with a community - replaced with secular commercialism.
The modern icon of Christmas, Santa Claus, favours the rich above the poor, is used to promote a narrow and capitalist view of a worthwhile family time, and wasn't even crucified. Even as an atheist, I feel quite bad for the Christians that their festival has been upended with this nonsense.
These days, I only wish Christians a Merry Christmas. Everyone else can just enjoy their Happy Holidays or Good Winterval or whatever.
Thanks for the good intention, and a Merry Christmas to all.