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curiousllama

Lots of good advice here. One additional thing to consider: why is your mind on stress from work?

How’s your marriage? How are your parents doing? Your kids? Who are some of your best friends?

How often are you physically active? Do you often go for walks, or play tennis, or garden?

How well are you sleeping? Do you love your mattress?

Any habits you’ve struggled to kick lately? Conversely, any hobbies you’ve really gotten into?

Personally, I’ve always noticed my personal happiness correlating MUCH more closely with the above than with work. If work isn’t it, you may want to consider some other angles.

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For me, almost everything starts at my work. Not sure what's wrong with me, maybe I'm too engaged, maybe I feel too responsible for my job... But my actual well-being is almost 100% related to the work.

I'm stressed almost all the time. Won't go into the details, just the management sucks big way.

Long story short, after work (including weekends) I'm so tired that I need a lot of totally lazy time. I strive for activities which are the least engaging. Even when I waste my spare time playing games, I'm looking for games that don't need much attention and are easy to play. With one hand only, if possible.

In November, I was on paid leave for 3 weeks. First I got a nasty infection, and just after that I somehow strained my back.

From the perspective, I don't believe how much stuff I got done during this time. Among others, I designed a board game about off-road driving that I had been thinking about for a long time; I was programming a lot (it's just a hobby for me, I don't work in IT); I kinda reconnected with a brother I hadn't spoken to in a long time... Had time to cook, had energy to clean flat thoroughly.

And all that being sick and having back pain. And it was enough to not worry about job things.

It feels like I could do anything if I wasn't so stressed all the time.

edit: typo

Maybe it's time to look into hopping jobs? Maybe something with better work/life balance?

Definitely. I was poking the job market for a long time, but here is the thing: I made several stupid decisions in my life, and I don't have higher education nor decent papers. I have the most professional experience in sales (maybe not in the traditional sense), but I fear to end in a worse place. In the current place I have, at least, good autonomy and interesting technology.

Alternatively, I could go work as a CNC operator – I have experience as turner / miller. That's worse pay and usually three-shift or four-crew work.

I tried to retrain. Got some online testing experience, and ISTQB FL papers. Didn't work out.

I'm going to set up a small CNC shop in the near future (2-3 months) – I'm working on it for half a year already and it's close.

Probably I should talk to some kind of therapist instead of writing such posts on Hacker News – while I don't mind personal stories when I read them, then when I'm an author I feel it doesn't belong here.

That's fair, it sounds like you have a path forward!

I can see how it would feel weird venting in a forum like this. I think one of the benefits of a therapist is that you also develop a sort of relationship; they have a better grasp of your context and history over time and that allows for more targeted support than whatever offhand/generic wisdom people on a forum might provide.

How have you found things since going back after the 3 weeks? I identify with what you're saying quite strongly, I'm still debugging the fundamental issues and how to fix them. For my situation I suspect a strong component is personality-related and that I probably need some prolonged period of time away from work to reset my body and brain and be free from high stress situations for a while. From browsing past threads of others' experiences with burnout and stress on HN I keep seeing 3 months mentioned as the magic number, but I'm worried this is too big of an ask from my current employer.

Although I suppose that raises the point that part of solving these issues is learning to put my wellbeing above my employer's problems.

> For my situation I suspect a strong component is personality-related

I think that's true for me, too. While the work organisation and environment is simply bad, I believe that the large part of harm is self-inducted in my case. Changing workplace would definitely help, but I definitely need to work on the underlying personal issues. I think about some kind of therapy to worry less...

I kind of trained myself to worry less. But the work-related stress is stronger, so in the end I care less for some important personal things, and I'm still frustrated with work.

> How have you found things since going back after the 3 weeks?

I felt much better... for around a week. When I went back after 3 weeks, I had a clean slate. Some topics were taken over and completed by colleagues, while others were not taken over and there was nothing to save.

But after that? It returned to "normal" state of being tired and stressed. That's not only my issue – it's a small company, and we all are overworked. Physically, we are unable to meet production deadlines, answer all emails, prepare all projects. That's just how it works. So after two weeks, I was sinking in emails, had to deal with calls from angry clients, etc.

I identify with what you say about part being personality-related.

In the past I once did an ACT therapy. It was focused on making me experience (feeling my body's response, not experiencing intellectually) the difference between different approaches to work and dealing with problems (of whatever kind).

Through it I've learnt to gauge my bodies response better, which helps with "emptying the bucket prematurely" when it comes to stress-buildup. Often the signs are there in early stages, but you're not yet aware of them.

I don't have friends. This is probably why I've struggled to maintain mental health and happiness for several years now.

I just don't have any intention to fix it, because the fixes look difficult.

This appears a strange mindset. You see the issue, you see solutions to the issue, but you imagine these solutions are too difficult? Are they more difficult than the mental health and happiness struggles you've been having?

I certainly get anxiety especially when unpracticed in the subtleties of forming meaningful connections, so I understand what's likely holding you back. But I think it's likely important to realize your rationalization here doesn't make a lot of sense.

Join a fitness group, martial arts etc (I recommend muay thai, brazillian jiujitsu). You get the physical activity, learning of an art, and socialisation.

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