i feel like this is a pretty common theme here at HN -- if mostly in comments. and it's often crypto folks, but sometimes just folks who won the ipo lottery.
i've long thought if i struck it rich, this is exactly what would happen to me. my buddy just reminded me of it the other day b/c i joked, when i think someone asked me, "What would you do if you won the (crypto) lottery?" (or similar), and I semi-ironically muttered, "Disaster."
and i do think it would be a disaster for me, personally, but i would try to step up to the challenge and do the best i could. i could imagine crazy anxiety, etc.
i was never _too_ afraid of getting rich because i have 'things i would like to do' and most of them are super hippie dippy, so they would never make money, never garner investment, etc.
if someone asked me 10 or 20 years ago, if i wanted to win the lottery, say, for the amount you got, i would have seriously considered a 'No', and might even have turned it down. having been depressed various times, it's basically hell on earth, and i knew one super-quick way there could be getting rich. but today i'd almost certainly say 'yes', but i would still take it very seriously -- i know 100% i'd be risking my mental health in a very real way.
if i were you, i'd find and start going to a therapist today, tomorrow, at least set an appointment for as soon as you can. tho you could eventually find your way out on your own, i would not recommend it, in part b/c, if/since you haven't already told others (i'm presuming), then you're probably just not in a good place -- you need a trusted external party to help you get your thinking clear.
too many other reasons going to a therapist is just a good idea -- one being that, the modern world is completely fucked up and too many of us are trying to navigate is alone or alone-ish. and, to me, there's no magic in sufferring -- like, suffering for sport is just self-flagellation -- there are real people doing real suffering and dying all over the world, so if you have a choice, while you still have a choice, try to get yourself better. just my opinion. learned the hard way, so i'm not 'better' than you if you decide to suffer it out, too.
and, books. read them. listen to them. etc. good, old books. new books. books like 'the power of now' (which i have not read, but sounds semi-interesting). books can have some wisdom that can save your life, and/or make it better, including better for the people you care about, or used to care about.
and, if all else fails, i'm guessing you could probably find some, let's say, small-ish but too-expensive-for-normal-people problem, and pay to fix it, ideally anonymously - you might have to figure out how to do that anonymously - might be tough, but should be semi-possible. small-ish just because that way you can get a taste - see how you feel about it.
i have no idea what this project could be, but i can imagine a thousand things.
i usually like the idea of attacking structural problems. e.g. not necessarily giving homeless people homes, but maybe trying to stem the increasing rate of homelessness by re-constituting the boarding house thing that i think used to be hella popular in the US back in the day. but that's personal pref.
you could try to figure out how to pay for a new/improved library/public space in your town - maybe improve the air exchange at the current library to improve covid safety going forward, so people could still gather (important for humans) but not die. or just pay to renovate some basketball court or soccer field/clubhouse.
maybe read up on what the former ms. bezos did with some of her cash, and even give her a call - i'm guessing you can get thru if you try - ask her about it. i mention her not because she was newly-rich, but because she has seemingly not decided to be a typical billionaire -- she actually gave a lot of her money away. that shit is _really_ fucking radical, unless someone can tell me otherwise.
i actually wonder why i haven't heard more about her, but i assume it's mainly because she's not a complete fucking freak (like most billionaires), and because she's a woman (so, hated). like, she had some headlines, maybe even a cover shoot or similar, but....a billionaire giving away their money. not only for tax purposes? and doing it with little to no paternalistic assholish controlling over-reach? that's not even possible, but presumably she did it. i feel like it sets a really bad example, so she kind of got disappeared.
yeah, and just read about people who got thrown into your situation -- the people who were successful, and those who were not. i'm guessing there are books that deal with "how to live life once you accidentally strike it rich".
one meme that seems to be pretty familiar to me, maybe even most americans, is:
- athletes who go broke right after they're done playing
- people who win the lottery or similar going broke, dying, getting depressed, or worse, right after winning the lottery (think i heard this from 'the happiness professor', dan gilbert, harvard -- who i think may be full of shit, but you can judge for yourself).
fwiw i think 'happiness' is kind of eh. like, it's cool, but freedom, direction, purpose/meaning -- those seem like better targets to me.
one place you are lucky -- the problems we have today are vast and manifold -- you won't have a shortage of places to spend if you're so inclined.
that said, i usually advise newly-rich to chill for a bit -- a year or two -- let it sink in -- don't throw your money away overnight, etc.
i, personally, ... i might wait a week or two, maybe a month, talk to friends, etc. -- probably start handing out cash to family and close friends pretty quickly, but i guess even that has potential big problems. yeah, i guess there are some pretty big things to consider.
thus, therapist.
good luck!