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"My g/f earns about a third of what I do while actually working a tough, stressful job in full time"

There is only one thing i learned, life is deeply unfair, meritocracy is a myth, and noone knows why most things are the way they are.

well, if someone is a janitor, and the other one is a software developer, can you actually compare them properly?

if so, then training somebody to become a SEng involves more costs, than training smb to mop a floor.

the guy u responding didn't mention the job his gf does, thus assuming that she's the same software dev, would be a wrong thing to do, i believe.

besides that, she even may obtain the same level, the same set of skills as he does, thus she also has the same opportunity as he does.

that being said there is nothing to discuss about meritocracy, yet i agree with the fact that things are not that meritocratic as we want them to be. why? because there is always an asymmetry in a market, and contracts may always have some flaws (for e.g.: lemon market).

i perceive the case of him since he's not that tired as his gf is. that's just the basic compassion that one wants to feel, and even empathy.

  > that being said there is nothing to discuss about meritocracy, yet i agree with the fact that things are not that meritocratic as we want them to be. why? because there is always an asymmetry in a market, and contracts may always have some flaws (for e.g.: lemon market).

i guess that can be one issue, but my experience has been that what usually undermines "meritocracy" is basically office/org politics...

I would suggest that you keep studying life. From what I've learned: life was never promised as being fair. Civilization is a thin veneer over the Jungle, but it does try (without ever achieving 100% success), to provide fairness. One can debate where in the world Civilization is thriving vs. struggling (it's mostly struggling). Meritocracy does exist and does work, except where it is undermined (i.e. "Equity", or assigning merit based on immutable physical traits like race and gender).

> Meritocracy does exist and does work, except where it is undermined (i.e. "Equity", or assigning merit based on immutable physical traits like race and gender).

Allowing inheritance from one generation to another is an immediate disqualifier for meritocracy as well. As is the existence of private schooling bought with money.

Apples and Oranges.

Inheritance has nothing to do with meritocracy. One can argue about whether or how much inheritance should be taxed -- but that's a wholly separate, topic.

Hiring, raises, and promotions should not be based on skin color, eye color, gender, or other immutable traits. In a meritocracy, these are instead determined _solely_ by how provably capable a person is (per Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s prescription).

In fact, Meritocracy _would_ explicitly reject the idea of "inheriting" a job (as is done in orgs with nepotism), so I'm confused as to what your point is.

"Meritocracy does exist and does work, except where it is undermined (i.e. "Equity"

You really pick 'equity' as the example? I get thats it fashionable to hate on woke politics around these parts, but aren't your forgeting that most of the world is more like Russia, i.e. jungle, where stongest rules because they can, with mirderous intent.

I mean if you are talking about principles of life, its got to be universal, not just applying in a handfull of fortunate countries.

The principles of we go by, they are in conflict with one another.

The word "meritocracy" was invented for a book about how it doesn't exist and would be a bad idea if it did.

Meritocracy is not that everyone should get the same for the same effort though. It's that everyone should get the same for the same value they sell. And yes value is subjective and always changing and not the same everywhere.

Everything is "unfair" from a perspective. Two people working the exact same job and putting in the same effort, if one person packs twice the number of boxes it would also be unfair to pay them the same as the other person who is creating only half the value for the person paying them.

I used to work about 4 hours a day, sometimes not at all and felt terrible inside about myself.

Then I got diagnosed with ADHD and prescribed Concerta. The focus is not what I want, but the reduction of impulsivity is doing wonders.

I started seeing the incompetent, manipulative and rude pieces of shit colleagues that I kept attracting (because of self immage and guilt) and that kept leaching on my time, interrupting me when it was obvious I had nothing to do with their problem(I do backend stuff and a coeague insisted I help her fix frontend stuff that doesn't work after the frontend did a deploy, the same for another system).

I realize how I tolerated bullshit from low level management,how I caved in to their frowns and how I turned into their saviour tech wizard which only compounded my problem.

How I tollerated their endless ramblings in meetings upon meetings where they decided nothing or bitterly protected their vagueness to kafquesques proportions.

How I tollerated other peoples indecision and became indecisive myself, because I thought I could not do stuff without them.

How I've ignored my own emotions and needs and played it all logical when people were playing emotional games.

And now with my impulsivity under control, I work a lot longer and stress free, because I can control my impulses so I'm not affraid to answer ironically but still professionally to an agressive email, or to say "guys I have no taks" ... "guys, I asked you for a task yesterday and guess what, I got it by telling your superior that I asked for work and you did not have any, he was delighted to get me in contact with this product owner who has a full backlog".

This makes me so glad and so sad at the same time. This explains why other people were cold and "mean" to these people.

How did you find out you had ADHD?

I often suspect I have something along the lines of ADHD or Dyslexia ( very mild ) but have no idea how to look into it. I've done a few online tests but end up very border line on most.

same, and i feel dirty asking about it because if you don't have ADHD you're basically just asking about getting speed

What would be so dirty asking for speed?

I did strong stimulants, and while I 100% agree there are even regular people who can get addicted, and people who should not be taking stimulants period (schizophrenia), and that I may be an exception, and all that, but as long as the stimulant is taken orally and at therapeutic dosage, there's nothing wrong with stimulants.

If you don't have ADHD and take stimulants exactly as instructed by a psychiatrist mostly nothing bad will happej (you will get speedy a few times, start a few mega projects, clean your house, and after a while realize you shouldn't believe your stimulant self's has only good ideas).

You could also keep a job that's not for you because stimulants make even boring jobs seem interesting.

But you won't turn into a crackhead just because you take stimulants exactly as instructed by a doctor.

It was a long journey and my ADHD is not that severe so perhaps that's why it took so long.

I took hard stimulants before I even contemplated I had ADHD, I treated them just like brain steroids (which I don't advice anybody does).

The first time a psychiatrist offered an ADHD questionair was when I was diagnosed with BPD (mostly resolved since, in part due to age and in part psychotherapy and in parth ADHD treatment) because 25% of people diagnosed with BPD also have ADHD. I really doubted myself and I got a score of 6/9 on both inattentiveness and impulsivity and the psychiatrisy said I needed 7/9 but she was willing to prescribe concerta or atomoxetine (I can't remember which) but I stupidly declined since I had access to hard stimulants and I did not see the benefit at the time.

I gave up illegal stimulants after my daughter was born but I kept using modafinil and nicotine as a cruth whenever shit got real at work; my psychoterapist kept asking me why I don't want to see a psychiatrist colleague of hers that's open minded about ADHD.

Eventually I did, and to my surprise the psychiatrist did a very thorough interview and concluded I most certainly do have ADHD and prescribed Concerta.

I still doubt I have ADHD sometimes, until I take a break from the meds, that's when reality kicks in and I'm sure I have ADHD again :)

Concerta is a godsend, so is actually discovering you've got ADHD - as answers on what was "wrong" with you your whole life will be found.

I would encourage the OP to investigate this; the hyper focused mind can achieve greatness once finally in the groove. Finding this flow state can be very hard.

The meds work. As does eg weightlifting. I've been far more successful since I spent the equivalent of a highest end smartphone on a fully barbell kitted garage gym.

It appears we live much of the same life. I work 3 to 4 hours a day at best, and part of that is the standup. Wife works hard for 8+ hours a day and makes a third of my salary. I want to be productive but I just cant seem to do more hours than that. Even those hours of work are broken up.

"his mental state comes with an inability to use the rest of the work day. I spend it procrastinating - which is actually more tiring than working for whatever reason"

I feel the same way. Difference is I actually really like my employer and I still cant focus for more than a few hours a day.

of course, the obligatory thing to consider is AD(H)D - which I do suffer from. anyway - interesting that you "really like your employer". do you also like the product and the work environment? looking back though it didn't seem to matter much for my productivity either. liking my employer can even complicate things further because then I feel guilt.

I do like the product. Issue might be that I see no value in what I do, the work I am doing is not going to change the world or make it a better place. I have felt this way about every job I have ever had. It will leave no lasting mark. I would love to leave tech but unfortunately the salary acts as golden handcuffs. I essentially waste 8 hours a day sitting on a chair consuming internet garbage and its somewhat soul destroying.

Why not work on some public software project in your 'spare' time?

I don't have the energy anymore for that. I'm 37 - that's 50%.

Honestly I just don't have the motivation. Having to do what little work I do drains me. Its not that I am lazy, I will work 90 hour weeks full on cranking if there is an emergency and the success of the project hangs on it its just that I really don't like what I do for a living and it drains the will and happiness from my soul. I don't mean to be dramatic but that's what it feels like but I like the money. I think my goal is to save up a year of expenses this year and then just build something on my own. Going to tackle something like web3 or build something that I would like to use. Mainly I just want to be motivated.

My regular work is similar. Some days I don't work at all. At most, 3-4 hours. But I think this is because nothing I'm working on is particularly urgent. I'm well ahead of deadlines.

When I really get into my own side projects in code, the last of which I got heavily into about six months ago, I literally forget to eat or sleep and can go on 24-hour marathons - compulsively, without intending to, because I need to make something work. When there is a once-a-year crisis on my regular job, the same thing applies. It's actually beyond my control.

I wish I could harness that level of motivation to e.g. take on 3x as many clients and expand my studio, but just thinking about that makes me shut down. I feel lazy when I spend a whole day reading news sites or something... or even engaging in hobbies like music. But I don't want the burden of 3x as much work that I have to do. I earn low six figures and it seems enough.

You should learn a bit about adult ADHD and see if it sounds like you, and perhaps get a psychiatrist to see if you match an ADHD diagnosis. It changed my life to find out I was ADHD, and what you said has some correlation.

This isn't unique to coders. Various successful writers have also reported the same issue. They only have a few super productive hours a day.