Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice | Hacker News Reader

Ask HN: Please Give Me Advice

72 pointsobviouslyfake113 comments

Can’t make myself do anything anymore

Im not achieving anything, no matter how hard i try

On my 6th month of doing barely anything and it’s already December

I’m regretting that i didn’t use the time to achieve something meaningful

I have money, yet i’m miserable and unhappy

I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad

All i dream of to make a contribution and make an impact

Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help

I’m thinking my (dead) grandparents would be embarrassed of me being such a loser

I’m trying all my best to be a good person, yet i’m still not good enough for myself

I used to think it’s not that bad: i’m not hungry, have a warm place to stay and guaranteed inheritance

Yet, i feel like i’m a useless parasite, nothing i do brings joy to me

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Your perception of yourself and your life is being distorted by depression. The intellect tries to make this about "meaning," or who you are, but it's not really about that.

You're not a parasite, and the people who care about you don't think you're a loser. You're okay, and it sucks that you're going through this, but nothing is wrong with you. You're just having a rough spot, which is normal and common, especially in these times. If anyone says otherwise (including or especially yourself) they're wrong.

I agree that therapy is a good idea here. If you've had trouble finding a local therapist, use the betterhelp or talkspace app - it's very easy to get connected to a therapist there.

Wishing you the best in moving forward with all this.

The saddest thing is that nobody seems to understand having depression is not my choice

I don't want to be depressed no more than anyone else

I don't want to be that person of which everyone thinks as depressed, it hurts

I don't know, but have you considered taking some of your time to contribute somewhere helping others, either humans, animals, or nature around you? There are even things like the Rewilding movement where you don't really need to interact with anyone in person, and you can make a very tangible meaningful change, at your own pace.

I am, but i don't know anyone who could use my help

and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

There are a ton of non-profits that appreciate help from anyone.

On another note, I was depressed and isolated a couple years ago after a breakup, living alone in a city on the other side of the country from my family and friends. Ultimately what got me out of my rut was regular exercise at the gym and reading Feeling Good by David Burns.

I can't recommend that book enough. Much of the philosophy behind it is rooted in Greek Stoicism, so if you just wanna cut to that maybe take a look at Marcus Aurelius or William Irvine's Guide to the Good Life.

What's important though is to not spend your energy trying to meet some invisible metric of "being useful", and instead be able to recognize the cognitive distortions that are causing you to be depressed.

That's why I suggested doing something like Rewilding. Nature doesn't care who you are. As long as there is a need for someone to introduce biodiversity and native plants in the area where you live, then probably no-one else is helping. So you can make the number of people in your neighbourhood caring about that go from zero to one.

Clean your living space.

Then find somewhere where people are littering, and get a picker and clean that up too. Take a before and after photo. You'll soon find out that you're not useless.

Eventually that will help give you the answer to:

>and why would they want me to help them and not somebody else?

If you're having trouble with the above, speaking to a professional therapist might help.

I don't think anyone is saying depression is your choice. No one chooses to be depressed, and I would never judge someone badly for being depressed. There's no shame in that. It's what you do about it that matters.

Therapy can take time to make a difference, but I would encourage you to give it a try!

Brain chemistry is weird, perhaps some combination of therapy and antidepressants could help. It sounds like you can afford it, so why not give it a shot.

First off. Give yourself space to fail. It is ok to fail. It is ok to be a failure.

Some days it will be hard to get out of bed. That is ok. Get out of bed anyways.

There will be days where doing one 15 minute task will take you 8 hours. That is ok, do it anyways. And then congratulate yourself that you finished it. Do not berate yourself that something so simple took you so long to finish.

Have a goal of 20 minutes vigorous walk daily. You will fail to achieve this goal for many days in a row. That is ok.

The sun is your friend, it will make you feel better. If you live somewhere without much sun, vitamin D can be a lifesaver. If I run out of my supplement and fail to purchase more I notice a strong correlation with low moods that could spiral into depression. I don’t let my vitamin D run out.

Some days you will not want to feel better. That’s ok. Try to feel better anyways.

Sleep is important. Do whatever you can to protect your sleep.

Eat foods that make you feel better. Avoid foods that make your mouth happy at the expense of your body. You may not know how to tell the difference yet. If you pay attention to your body you may eventually get a better idea of what these foods are.

It’s ok to be useless. It’s ok to not make an impact. It’s ok to only do small kindnesses to others. Find some small way to genuinely help someone. Try to do this regularly.

Also, remember that happiness=f(reality/expectations). Your reality can be amazing, but if your expectations are even higher all your achievements are going to feel like garbage. So try not to beat yourself up trying to chase high expectations.

You have an extra "o" when you spelt loser. But no, I've been there buddy, and honestly, still partly stuck in that rut. What really helped me is just going out to meet people. When I think abt the days that depression hits the hardest, it's usually the days when I have minimal to zero human interaction. Something abt regular social interactions is critical for my mental well. I also have had pretty bad social anxiety, but recently have committed myself to getting better at it. Used to think of it as something innate, that other people were borne with but somehow I was passed over. Now I realize it's just a skill like any other, and the more you immerse interact with people, the better you get at it, and the more enjoyable it becomes. Recommend just taking any opportunity you can get with strangers to make small talk with them. Bars are good for this too. Also I noticed that the way you write your messages, strongly signals "depressed person". You need to supress this outward expression of your depressive state as much as possible when interacting with other people. Because as much as society tells you otherwise, nobody really enjoys interacting with a depressed person. So no matter how you feel on the inside, shud try your best to reflect an outwardly normal attitude. BTW, some others have commented seeking therapy. I have mixed feelings abt this. On one hand, people with seriously crippling depression shud definitely seek professional help. On the other hand, alot of self diagnosed "depression" can be simply chalked up to having some bad days, rather than some chemical imbalances in the brain. In the latter case, seeking a therapist just externalizes the solution instead of facing the problem that is yours to solve yourself. What you are feeling would probably continue for the rest of your life, unless you can do something to change it. Anyways, I hope this helped. Don't give up, and always remember that youre probably stronger than you think. The present is not indicative of the future, and even your worst days will give way to a brighter tomorrow

Earnestly I offer this suggestion:

Wake up earlier than you currently do, every day. Walk somewhere a little farther than usual, if even for a cup of coffee.

Repeat daily. You’ll know when.

This is honestly a good idea and it sucks to admit that my sleep cycles are a complete chaos

I also recommend going to bed and getting up earlier: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/05/210528114107.h...

I'd also suggest try cutting out all caffeine and stimulants (if you take any). For me, the transition took several months and caused a bit of irritability, but getting through it changed my life. No more crashes, no more anxiety, no more headaches, and now I sleep easy.

This is a good idea. I'll offer you look into local parks and nature preserves, and if you have them where you live, forested areas. Look into "Forest Bathing" and "Shinrin-yoku". There's really something to this.

https://www.japan.travel/en/guide/forest-bathing/

https://time.com/5259602/japanese-forest-bathing/

Interesting. How about these:

- your sleep (how deep) and meal quality (how healthy)

- your sleep and meal patterns (what hours, how consistent)

- your personal hygiene (haircut, shaving, cutting of nails)

- your presence (punctuality, quality of clothing, how you dress)

- frequency of physical activity (sports, exercise, do you still get sunlight)

- frequency of you spending time with your family, friends, lovers, and pets

Besides hygiene and health, don't even want to attempt the rest

If nobody likes me because of that, then let them, i'm not a product that needs to match all the checkboxes

it's not about people liking you lol, being a people-pleaser is the last thing i'd want anyone to be. these are just couple things that keep most people grounded, enough to serve as a baseline in keeping them sane and functional. it's fucking hard and almost inhuman to tick them all at the same time, but it's worthwhile to give some of these things some time every once in a while.

it is not about being liked, it is about feeling better. walking have always been my to go solution when I have the blues (not full blown depression though). I am not saying it will fix all your issues, but it MAY improve them a bit and it won't make them worst. (not sure if your notion of health included exercice)

Sleep problems may be a symptom of depression, but they may also be the cause of depression. You could try finding a sleep physician or a CBT-I therapist.

Few people have anything resembling a plan.

Just don't ask randos on the internet. You'll hear this often, because there's truth to it: Seek therapy. It's not a sign of weakness.

And if the therapist doesn't "click" with you, see a different one.

I have called everyone in my area, many times, nobody could give me an appointment

Already on drugs, but taking them makes me feel more shit, because then i have a thought that i'm a broken person and can't live a normal live without depending on meds

OK number one thing to understand first and foremost: you are not a ‘broken person’ if you take medication. It’s a tired trope, but only because there’s some truth to it: a person with kidney, heart, or other organ issues isn’t a broken person because they take medication for their condition, right? Same applies to any of your conditions.

Instead of going through this and fixing my life, i'm outsourcing it on pills

That’s not at all accurate. Blaming yourself for having depression is like blaming yourself for having epilepsy. It’s not your “fault”.

It’s important to note that while you might be taking meds, but you might not be taking the right meds, in the right amount.

It took me a while to find the right combination for me. This is very, very common. Everyone is different. People react differently to different antidepressants. Finding the right med(s) is a process. It sucks but it’s worth it. You are worth it.

This comes from a belief that you could fix the problem via some thought process.

Is a type 1 diabetic simply outsourcing their disease to injectable insulin "instead of going thorough this and fixing [their] life"?

Depression doesn't work like that.

You asked for advice because what you were thinking/trying isn't working. Don't be surprised if some of the suggestions are going to be things you haven't tried yet.

Pills, especially ritalin have the side effect of being really hard to get off once your mind is ready to produce joy again. This might be a hard pill to swallow, but what you need is healthy habits.

Ritalin is not an anti-depressant.

It is an addictive upper, I'm surprised everyone I know who had psychiatric help is on it.

It's common for introspective insight to be achieved only through chemical means. This is why psilocybin is finally being researched as a potential natural approach to certain disorders.

Give https://www.lyrahealth.com/ a try -- when I needed a therapist, they had availability.

Try remote option, but find the right specialist who will be committed to solve your issues, not just shut you up with drugs like most of them do.

stop being so focused on yourself.

and you are right to think what you do about taking drugs.

i know, i use to be on drugs. they didnt help me. what helped me was helping other people, for no personal gain.

get some hobbies that produce something useful and people will suddenly start needing your help. build some stuff out in the garage. its very rewarding. i like woodworking, but lots of things will do. something not on the computer.

Counterpoint: Meds have probably saved my life. I know at least two other people who would say the same.

Meds don't work for everyone. Just because they didn't work for you doesn't mean they don't work for others. It's up to the doctor and his/her patient to determine the best course of treatment.

Intentionally stigmitizing medication is not only contributing to the problem... it can be downright dangerous. Any mental health professional will tell you that.

Your anti-medication rhetoric throughout this thread is not useful. Please reconsider your approach.

> Seek therapy

Therapy is not going to magically inject meaning in your life. Let's stop with the fake solutions.

There are hundreds of scientific studies about the efficacy of therapy in treating depression. It’s no magic bullet it works well for very many people.

Stigmatizing therapy is not only counter productive, it can be downright dangerous.

If you’re genuinely trying to help, please reconsider your approach.

> efficacy of therapy in treating depression.

You mean as making you addicted to taking anti-depressants all your life? Great solution.

> depression

So you also magically deduced that the author of that post had depression out of nowhere?

>So you also magically deduced that the author of that post had depression out of nowhere?

OP stated it no less than four times already. Quotes:

1) I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed 2) The saddest thing is that nobody seems to understand having depression is not my choice 3) I don't want to be depressed no more than anyone else 4) I don't want to be that person of which everyone thinks as depressed, it hurts

He also mentioned being on anti-depressants. Presumably those were prescribed by a doctor.

Your conversational style in this thread feels driven more by anger than a desire to help or learn.... so I'm going to bow out of conversing with you. Best of luck.

Plenty of clinical evidence suggests that therapy can help folks having a hard time. It's not magic - talking about your problems with someone who cares is helpful.

I never said it would? But it’s also not a “fake solution”, and your labeling it as such makes me question your motives for making such a claim.

Read my comment again. Therapy won't inject meaning in your life.

There are lots of suggestions in here, things like "meet people", "get off the internet", etc.

I have one and only piece of advice: seek treatment for your depression.

You likely won't be able to implement any of these other suggestions until you do that one.

Depression is no joke and can very easily ruin your life if you don't treat it. None of the other suggestions I saw in the thread seem to understand this. (The hyperbole and a half webcomic series on depression does, however.)

My contact info's in my profile, and I have some suggestions to that end I don't wish to write here.

Call or email me. Don't wait.

> Im not achieving anything, no matter how hard i try

> On my 6th month of doing barely anything and it’s already December

> I’m regretting that i didn’t use the time to achieve something meaningful

> All i dream of to make a contribution and make an impact

> Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help

That's rather a bad mindset. You don't need to be a president or Shakespeare or Einstein or Bill Gates, etc to be impactful or achieve something.

Become impactful can be done in smaller scale, starting from family or relative (skip if they're jerks), friends (again, skip if they're jerks), local community, even local animal shelter and wild bees.

Well I'm not joking. Many people, especially orphans may need helps. Wild sheltered animals and wild bees too. They need helps, though from anyone, not especially yours.

On the contrary, you may already made impacts, for example when you buy from local grocers or vendors, you may helps them fulfill their financial needs that day / week.

Always view the small scope, nearby. The world may not need 2nd Einstein to survive, but local entity may need your interference to survive.

> All i dream of to make a contribution and make an impact > I’m thinking my (dead) grandparents would be embarrassed of me being such a loser

Herein lies the problem. Target smaller goals, even smallest one in the beginning. It will help you get unstuck. I.e. - want to be helpful? Volunteer to walk dogs at the shelter. The dogs will be happy and you'll be doing something useful instead of nothing. (not to mention dogs are just so naturally loving and grateful creatures that even just being around them can help you unclench).

BTW, the dog shelter is just an example. It would be ideal for you to pick up work in a direction you already fell some pull towards. I.e. - would you like to see some improvements in your neighborhood/city? - get involved in local community policits. Would you like to see improvements in an open source project you're using? - start contributing. Etc.

Think about the inner values that you have. You mention, you want to make a contribution to the society, and to be a good grandson. That's already a lot! You could start by making really small contributions, it does not have to be world-changing to make sense. Just picking up trash or tending a garden would be a good start.

Take care of your other needs – try to eat well, sleep well, move enough, get social support (as you are doing now). And, as others say, get a therapist that you can work with.

It may take some time to work things out. But it's okay. Just see it as growing and maturing.

I contribute to open-source, that's the only thing i would be proud of, besides not hurting anybody in any way including myself

If it is available in your area, many volunteer opportunities can be available at sites like https://justserve.org . I link to possible others at my site; can provide a direct link if needed. But JustServe.org facilitates local organizations and volunteers to find each other (it is free; the site is provided as a service of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and open to anyone; there are projects with many organizations; does not allow religious instruction, political work, or etc).

ps: I don't know your specifics, but thanks to you, as a sort of proxy for FLOSS contributors everywhere. Really. I rely on it, and try to contribute also as I'm able. There is so much good stuff out there.

pps: I just was checking the site and they have remote opportunities, though maybe in-person would be more cheering. They also have a list of organizations, etc. (menu at top right).

(edits: the ps and wording fixes)

That's already a lot! I don't contribute to open source (as I'm not a coder) and I'm thankful that you do.

I read this whole thread and your responses remind me of myself earlier this year. I dont have anything new to add, but I would like to repeat what others have said that worked for me: see a therapist, change up your environment, and come up with some long term goals. Seeing a therapist helped me identify cognitive distortions (look it up) that were problematic for me. Therapist taught me how to identify negative thoughts and behaviors through various journaling methods. Turns out negative thoughts and behaviors lead to negative emotions. I was also fortunate enough to be able to crash at my parents for a month. The change in environment was monumental in helping me break out of the negative spiral. It also helped me realize how much I love my family and gave me a long term goal to help my parents finish paying off their house. That goal drives me every day to work hard on my career and my health so that I'm around to see it achieved. I think most people see children the same way. I talked to my dad a lot about life during that month and he confirmed that was the case for him. Which is impressive considering he grew up poor, one of 12 kids, to an alcoholic father and uneducated mother in Mexico. Personally, kids arent for me, but it just highlights the human need for purpose, whatever that may be. I hope you find some meaning for your life, it's hard. Really hard. But it gets easier, just gotta keep at it :)

First, see a therapist. Second, especially if the therapist recommends it, and they probably will given what you're telling, see a good psychiatrist. If they are any good, they'll request blood tests, not only prescribe something. Very often feeling lethargic, miserable, and unhappy is related to something physical.

One of the common issues is vitamin D deficiency, because our lifestyles have become rather indoorsy. If you have not been going outside during sunlight hours, it is something to get tested for.

I'm not a licensed physician. But I can help you find your path in life and work on killing your depression. I've helped quite a few people overcome their feelings of being lost in life, and their depression. myself included. I did so by guiding them through getting over their social anxiety, by fixing their diet (an almost-keto diet worked for me and two more people I've worked with). I know this sounds odd, but eating sunflower seeds as snacks. Can help with sleep and can improve serotonin levels. I know everything i've written above sounds cliche, but that's exactly what works. Something else that works is going to a licensed physician, doing bloodwork, getting tests done and receiving the proper medication for your condition. But if you don't feel like doing that or if you've already done it and it hasn't fixed your current status, try me out and see if it works. If you're committed to bettering yourself, give this a chance and see what transpires.

Depression is not about logic. You can't think your way out of depression. Depression has emotion at it's core, and that's where you want to beat it. To start feeling good and balance your system, you need to do some trial and error to figure out what's wrong. If it's diet, let's say carbs give you adhd-like symptoms (like it did to me), that also translate into less quality sleep, you will get anxious and depressed. If it's a magnesium imbalance, say your digestive system doesn't absorb enough magnesium from your food or maybe you need more magnesium in your system. Then a sunflower snack 2-3 times a day for a few days might improve your condition.

Find me on discord: macro#5246, we can do some one to one sessions to help you.

If you've sent me a friend request on Discord, send it again, I think I missed it

First be aware I'm not a health professional. Get regular physical exercise, even walking outdoors in a park. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/08/210804123610.h... Ensure you maintain a regular sleep schedule. https://www.eurekalert.org/news-releases/857448 BTW magnesium supplements may help. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/magnesium-the-most-powerf_b_4... Get the HeadGear app. https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/digit... Reduce your social media use and consider getting a pet.

You can win this battle!

My advice is to sit yourself down and try to write about some of the things that you are thankful for. If you can sit down and make the post that you just did telling us all about how you feel, you also have the ability to try sitting down and finding a few things that you are thankful for. Maybe just start it out as a little practice a few times. No pressure. Start writing and just let it flow for a little bit but try to focus on some of the things that you feel like you might be thankful for. Even if it's the silliest things. I bet you can find a few things that you are thankful for... It may sound corny and to be honest, it's truly an obvious ploy to trick your mind away from feeling the way you wrote about into finding the foundation of at least something that you like and feel good about even if it's just in this moment. Perhaps maybe there's something that you can focus on that does make you feel good. Start there. You might even find some things that you are passionate about. If you're not already, I also recommend getting some fresh air and exercise. Even if it's just going for a walk.

I'm sorry if this is offensive, but is this satire? The responses seem genuine but OP's username is "obviouslyfake" and the username is brand new. I don't want to be insensitive if OP is really depressed. But the tone seems sarcastic to me? I could certainly be wrong, but it seems like they are poking fun at other use cases of "AskHN."

I would assume real and that the 'obviouslyfake' part means that the username is not their real one, otherwise we risk reading too much into it not unlike depression itself.

OP, I have felt many of the same things as you. It sounds like you have very high expectations for yourself - perhaps you imagined yourself being somewhat well known in your field or well regarded in life in some way by now.

The reality is that your expectations may not have ever been realistic to begin with. Most of us are not going to be well-known or famous. Insisting that you 'have to' become this or that in life by point X is just going to make you depressed.

I would say, firstly, you need to give yourself a break and take credit for whatever you have accomplished in life. Your thinking has become distorted. Are you seeing a therapist? They could potentially help you sort out some of these negative thoughts and set more realistic goals for yourself. Those goals should be small and achievable to start - not unachievable pie-in-the-sky dreams that will just make you demotivated.

Nature, rendering a service to others, whatever your understanding of service is, and art are the only substances I know of that are powerful enough and work at a basic enough level to console the despondent. Think about what this excludes. It excludes the pursuit of money. It excludes accolades. It excludes interminable self-analysis. If you seem to find a high functioning service, like contributions to open source projects, or a startup, purposeless, try offering the most basic types of service. Give the hungry food. Give the naked clothing. When you speak with someone next, do not merely interact in a way that leads expressly to your purpose and the conclusion of the encounter, but rather take their present experience into consideration and say something they will remember because it comes from a place of care. Offer care and you will find yourself fluent in the language of caring.

Perspective helps. If you are not wanting for money and have time, and assuming you’re in the Northern hemisphere, pack some chicken/turkey/beef/falafel sandwiches, socks, hoodies, and toiletries. Pack a similar meal for yourself. Get some hot coffee. Leave home hungry.

Find a homeless person. Tell them if they’re interested you want to share a lunch with them while they tell you their story. Doesn’t have to be the story of how they became homeless, just any story they want to share with another human being.

Many homeless are invisible and feel like less than human because they can go months before exchanging an authentic conversation with another person. For a social species like ours, that’s a torturous existence.

You might not feel less like a useless parasite, but for that moment, for that individual, you objectively made a difference.

This is the zeitgeist so what you're feeling is reasonable. We live in material abundance but spiritual destitution. So unfortunately I don't think there is anything you can do individually that will help other than maybe look into folks like Neil Postman, Alan Watts, Carl Sagan, etc. and read what they wrote to see if it can be applied in your individual circumstances. It's hard to do anything about an individual problem until you understand its systemic causes and can place it in the proper context for analysis.

I've read Alan Watts, the Stoics and Buddhism stuff

I tried going to Church, to seek community, but i can't pretend i'm religious when i'm not

I'm not religious either but by reading the works of the folks I suggested I have a better sense of what is in my control and what is not so that I can focus on things that I can address and not worry so much about things that are out of my control.

Contemporary consumerist society is isolating for most people because even though they can buy whatever they want it doesn't change the fact that lack of communal structures makes them feel isolated. This is a systemic issue so there is no individual solution.

> Buddhism stuff

As a Buddhist myself, have you read / learned about the four noble truths? That teaching is so OP to me.

I’ve been there. I’ve suffered from depression for 20 years now… but my darkest, lowest points were 06-09. I had pathologically negative thoughts just like you’re experiencing. It’s incredible suffering, I know! No one really understands unless they’ve been there themselves.

You can recover. The darkness will eventually relent. You can be productive and successful one day. It’s not over. There are no easy solutions or habits to fix it though, that is the sad truth. The best you can do at the bottom is not give up.

At this point i feel like it's bottomless

There is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's only getting darker and darker day by day

Yes that is because the behavior is pathological and repetitive. I realized this at some point, it’s kind of like a self imposed delusion. Every day you tell yourself in your head that you suck, you’re worthless etc.

Yet there’s really no justification for it, things aren’t actually getting worse. In fact, my most depressed years were a kind of stasis where nothing external was really changing. The lack of change is what eventually caused what can only be described as mental paralysis to take hold. There is no light in the tunnel because your brain is expecting a continuation of the status quo.

You may be ill, go see your doctor.

First: appreciate where you are and what you already have. There are people out there who are struggling to get a single meal during the day .

Second: check your diet, sleep and health. A good mind needs all of those in proper order. See an expert if any of those is not in place.

Third: Do you work part-time/full-time? If yes you are already contributing something to the world. If not, are you a student? You will have to chart out a path depending on your current status.

I'm freelancer and have a startup

But i don't find that fulfilling anymore

My entire life is making others rich, i'm tired being a cog

Have you tried volunteering? Service is an important component in mental health. It shows you that you can make an impact and do good for others, and there are plenty of people out there that need you to help them. It also helps you focus on something outside of yourself, which helps with perspective.

"The important thing in life is not victory but combat; it is not to have won but to have fought well." —Pierre de Coubertin

But why should i be fighting? What for? More money? What's the goal of fighting?

Having a purpose in life can guide decisions. I believe our existence continues beyond mortality; what we become (learning, practicing honesty & kindness to others) and our service are important. Earning an honest living to serve others, & supporting a family, are honorable and good.

There were some other HN discussions where I commented in more detail, and the containing discussions also have interesting comments (& maybe I like helpful lists):

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=22129921 "Procrastination is about managing emotions, not time"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23452651 "Ask HN: I implemented the life I designed: perfect but I feel lost. What now?"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28867645 "Ask HN: What's the Point of Life?"

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23553508 (part of https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=23550758 "Ask HN: How do you develop internal motivation?")

https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19708786 (part of "Ask HN: What are good resources for life advice?" at https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19650044 )

And maybe (noting for future reference also): https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=29266094 " Ask HN: Career progression vs. meaningful/appealing products?"

To me by far the best thing is to have an enduring, joyful, worthwhile, good purpose in life, that drives everything else (including maintaining one's health, balance etc). I have written much about that, at my own site (in profile, then survey or click "Other"). I link to other resources there also; nothing for sale.

Learn a hobby. Maybe try to be more self sufficient. The more self sufficient you are, the less approval you'll need from others. I dream of a small farm someday. I learn things now that will be useful in the future - like gardening, butchering, taxidermy, culturing mushrooms, caning, etc.

Hobbies keep me distracted, but my motivation doesn't last very long

Yeah, that's why I'm saying hobbies with a higher goal can help - like being self sufficient. What if your contribution to society was in some other industry, like growing food?

From the first look of it — sounds like you desperately need a good therapist first.

You could barely achieve all the things you mentioned before fixing your psyche.

And even if you would have achieved them, you’d still be where you started - feeling empty and unable to enjoy what you have.

Time for a walk-about. I suggest a 2,200 mile trek on the Appalachian Trail. You need to buy gear and try a couple of short multi-day trips to get your operating mode sorted out. After 4-6 months of trail living, your perspective is likely to change.

Feed the body, the mind, and the soul:

- Take exercise. Needn't be epic. A walk is fine. Eat decent food.

- Ingest positive entertainment. Do a linuxfromscratch.org project.

- Find a suitable house of worship. Technology is a useless remedy for the moral vacuum of our day.

Check out Reddit’s EOOD subreddit (Exercise Out Of Depression). I cannot recommend exercise enough as a way to kickstart more positive feelings about yourself and increased motivation to do other things. It compounds.

Been there, it gets better.

If you want somebody to talk to drop me an email at pavlo@malynin.com about anything thats on your mind.

If you want to talk to somebody at this current moment you can also text HOME to 741741 to speak with a counselor.

What made it better for you?

There isn't really any one thing, its been a combination of having a support network that understands, figuring out what I care about and working towards that, sharing with my brother, being grateful for the little things in life that I took for granted -- depression and feeling shitty, especially in current times is more common than you'd think. I don't really want to air my laundry in an open forum, but I'd be happy to chat more with you over email or a phone. Hell, if you're in the Bay Area we can even go grab a coffee, beer, or boba...

A few people I've spoken with who "broke out" of this mentality credit Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life

https://www.amazon.com/12-Rules-Life-Antidote-Chaos/dp/03458...

Here's a quick video (12 min video):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApC0faRYabI

I suspect his lectures, books, etc are likely more in depth. I personally haven't read it much, but am aware of the rules.

At the end of the day, you have to just get moving. One thing I've found helpful is selecting objectives, often physical ones. Go to the gym every day, take a 1-hour walk. Brush your teeth, shower, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Make a list and hold yourself to account, get a star chart and show progress. From there you can build.

Life needs objectives, you have to decide who and what you want to be, but start at some basics -- "I want to bench 180lbs" or "I want to complete my list for a full week".

It may sound strange, but when people are in that state, the hardest thing in the world is getting started. If you miss a day, fine. Don't make an excuse you have to keep going. Eventually, you form habits and the more you form, the more robust and resilient you are. If you miss a couple activities for a day or two it wont be the end of the world. Just keep your life moving and pick them back up.

After you can do that and you accomplish a few objectives, I think you can / should start thinking of longer goals, 2 -3 years out and just keep building. At the end of the day, this isn't a journey for anyone but yourself.

Here's a great video going over the same concepts but in a humorous way.

7 ways to maximize misery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LO1mTELoj6o

JP is great for people that have some basis of peace and joy in their lives. It will do nothing for people that don't have that baseline.

people with no baseline really have to start by building hobbies. I do believe Peterson discusses that, I’ve seen something attributed to him along the lines: “every day try to pick up the heaviest thing you can”

That said, I’m not super familiar. I think generally habit building is what I’ve seen work and be recommended.

Also join a community and say you need help. That’s effectively what churches are well positioned to assist with.

I've read that book and have recommended it myself

Yet i feel too anxious to go out of my comfort zone

I've expanded my comment, but generally -- set physical goals. Build strength, physique, and in turn ego. Seems to help people I know with anxiety if they know they "look good"

But at the end of the day, you have to get out of your comfort zone. That's hard, very hard. But once you force yourself into situations out of your comfort zone a few times it'll become a habit as well.

Get off of the internet. For an extended period of time. Invest in real-life relationships. Get into nature. Seek professional in-person psychological help, not help via the internet.

Fix your diet, eat less. Try going on 1.5 meals a day rather than 3 meals a day.

Take long walks. Increase your body's metabolism without wearing it out.

Reduce sugar, salt, caffeine and other stimulants.

Honestly, do you have any desire to improve your current mindset?

If you do, you have the capability to change this.

Everyday go for a walk outside, and everyday lift something heavy.

You can fix yourself, as long as you want to.

Can you trace this back, since when do you feel this way?

Well over a year ago, but i kept going regardless and just pretended to have a life

Do you know if you are actually depressed? I ask because it sounds more like you've stumbled upon a common problem of being conventionally successful. Though trite, the saying that money doesn't bring happiness is mostly true, and it doesn't make up for a lack of spiritual fulfillment, which you seem to be facing.

You see, there's this thing called being sad that you all might have heard of. It's what happens when someone has good reason to feel bad. Before you assume you are broken, figure out whether you are sad or if you actually are clinically depressed. Maybe that means getting a diagnosis, or figuring it out on your own. A lot of people here are jumping to the conclusion that seeking therapy is the only answer for you and that's pretty messed up.

If you aren't achieving anything, and it's achievement in and of itself that you care about, then either focus on what will help you reach your current goal or find something else to achieve instead of doing what you are doing now. You don't have time to wait and find out if you'll get lucky going with the flow. Someday you will get too tired to change, and eventually you will die just as we all will.

So you're not happy with your current station in life. Well, there's likely a reason for that. You're unhappy because whatever you are doing to make money sucks. And yes, all work sucks to some extent, but the point at which you become sad and frustrated is the point at which a part of you realizes the futility of your situation. It sounds like you have an image of what you are supposed to be, and are concerned with how dead people would think of you. Give yourself a break. Nothing you said suggests that you are a bad person, and your grandparents lived most of their lives in a world entirely different from the one you and I share.

Before you go down the road of treating clinical depression, consider that you could be legitimately sad. It's okay to be sad as long as you eventually work your way out of it. There is no easy answer to addressing your problem. You can either stay sad, or you can throw the book out the window and try literally anything (within reason) that might give you a new purpose. Try something you think you might not even like, at least at first. Seeing as it doesn't sound like you are particularly worried about money, you may not have much to lose by quitting on the choices that are making you miserable.

And if you still don't find fulfillment, then you might need to lower your standards. In this day and age, it's way too easy for us to expect too much from ourselves. We can't all be heroes, else there would be no heroes. Some of us aren't meant to achieve anything meaningful besides perhaps raising children, and that's okay. Rather than achieving something meaningful, maybe you can just do something meaningful. Whatever said thing is, if there must be something, depends on what you do next.

But perhaps you've already tried. Maybe therapy would be the right thing for you, and you could even start with therapy. I don't care. I just don't hope that you are too quickly convinced that what you are going through is a pathological problem what it may really be a life problem.

No matter what, at some point, you just need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. In the grand scheme of things, you're still a winner in some respect. You could be sitting in a bare studio apartment for all I know and you're better off than millions of people in the world, and you are better off than many of our ancestors. Yes, a life devoid of satisfaction sucks, but you have time to find fulfillment that others don't. That's at least something to feel good about. You could fail over and over but at least you had the opportunity to do so.

Lastly, if there's anything you currently believe that is disempowering, learn not to believe such things. Ideas that aren't empowering are often wrong and serve you no good.

Uppity up, worth a read. Thank you for writing this.

> I have money, yet i’m miserable and unhappy

if you're putting this in one sentence try not having the money and see how it feels

Certainly it wouldn't feel better, but what i was implying that no amount of money has cured my misery and unhappiness

Consult your psychiatrist about adjusting SSRI or SNRI medication (enhance doses or switch medication).

Therapy.

Hang in there, it gets better.

PART 1:

_"Im not achieving anything, no matter how hard i try"_ _"I’m regretting that i didn’t use the time to achieve something meaningful"_ _"All i dream of to make a contribution and somehow make an impact"_

Could it be that your sense of achievement is attached to an outcome/impact (not the process), and the sense of meaning is closely attached to the success of that outcome?

_"I have money, but i’m miserable and unhappy"_ _"I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad"_ _"I’m thinking my (dead) grandparents would be embarrassed of me being such a looser"_ _"I’m trying all my best to be a good person, yet i’m still not good enough for myself"_ _"Yet, i feel like i’m a useless parasite"_

Agree with some other the other responses here that self-perception is the major factor. Note that these are things you are saying to yourself. It's YOUR thinking about what your (dead) grandparents might think of you. The fix also lies in how you think of yourself, far more than what anyone else thinks of you. The more you think along these lines, the more you are saying this to yourself - and this forms a self-enforcing loop where you begin to believe this is reality. When you think in this manner, you'll find it hard to believe even if someone close to you told you otherwise (that you were helpful); you'll might trust them, or you may feel it was insignificant by your standards.

_"I have money,..i’m not hungry, have a warm place to stay and guaranteed inheritance"_

It's good that you recognise that you have means for a healthy living. Many aren't as lucky. While you think it is not that bad, are you able to fully reconcile how good it really is? Money and happiness don't have a guaranteed co-relation, but, it does give you the financial freedom to think about other things beyond just survival. You need to recognise that it is a strength you can leverage. Self-perception continues to play a role here too. Would you have felt differently about yourself if you were 5x richer?

_"I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad"_ _"Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help"_

You can start by helping yourself first. Do this to get to a better state of mind, to be in a position to help others later. Helping yourself get out of the state-of-mind you are in will have the highest impact realisation. This could also give you the self-confidence and determination you need in helping others. You'll also be in a much better position when helping others get out of their depressed, angry or sad state.

PART 2: (addressed to OP)

From your responses to posts by others, you clearly have read books, and tried things out. You also are open to realising areas where you can make changes to yourself & your routines (Ex: sleeping better, waking up early etc).

The trick now is: how do you translate your knowledge into actions that ultimately form habits. This is definitely more difficult, so you should focus your will and energy on this. As with Dr.Peterson's 12-rules, small incremental steps to help yourself be better than you were yesterday go a long way.

--- Long term: It appears that you might have an outcome/impact and timeline in mind (Ex: you felt you didn't achieve much in 6 months). Instead you could set paths for yourself where you just make 5% improvements on your life, often. Small continuous improvements should be easier to achieve. Also, you should seek to enjoy the process than depending on the outcome.

With helping others: 5% improvements that you can unlock in somebody else's life is a massive help to others. This will come from observation, communication etc and targeted specific nuanced help (of course). The feeling of "Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help" will change when the scope of "my help" changes to ~5% improvement. It'll broaden the number of ways you can help people around you (even those who aren't seeking any help). So, the struggle in finding will also seem less. You may also find satisfaction in having helped more people, by a small margin, than the converse.

Step 1, get out of depression. Wellbutrin helped me immensely.

May be start helping others with what you are good at.

See a psychiatrist.

You're living in the shadow of someone else's expectations!

Of course you're going to feel this way -- You don't deserve that, and emotions are going to ensue. That is the human in us, and that is the human in you.

> Can’t make myself do anything anymore

Your motivation is tapped out from carrying these weights you never asked for. It's not your fault you feel this way.

> Im not achieving anything, no matter how hard i try

And you never will in the land of unreasonable expectations. Your work ethic isn't the issue, it's the impossible bar set before you.

> On my 6th month of doing barely anything and it’s already December

You're burnt out. It's okay to sit with that feeling for awhile. It takes time to realize it.

> I’m regretting that i didn’t use the time to achieve something meaningful

Regret comes from a decision. This wasn't a decision, you simply were not able to use the time as you imagined.

Mental health can be just as serious of an obstacle as broken bones. When your legs are sprained, you can't regret the run you couldn't take. When your brain is clouded by emotion, you can't regret the work you couldn't make.

> I have money, but i’m miserable and unhappy

There is an expectation placed upon you that money should make you happy.

It sure does not! And you are the living proof. There's nothing wrong with you. The expectation is wrong.

Shelter, security, and fulfillment make us happy. Money cannot help you acquire all these things.

> I feel ashamed of being that guy who is always depressed, angry and sad

You deserve to exist as you are. There is no shame in feeling this sadness and this anger. Emotions are part of the human experience. They do not ruin our value.

It's also natural for some people to have trouble with emotional company. Frequently people are taught to suppress emotions and that is projected onto others, perhaps this is happening to you.

I'm happy you're here today. I feel no shame or disappointment for you.

> All i dream of to make a contribution and somehow make an impact

You are on a quest for glory! If this quest is your own, and not from an expectation set before you, you will find your way.

You must take care of these feelings first however. It's all part of the quest or, if you prefer to see it this way, a prerequisite. You cannot conquer your dreams with this fog.

> Yet i struggle to find anyone who needs my help

I know one person who needs your help. It is the person who said this:

> I’m trying all my best to be a good person, yet i’m still not good enough for myself

You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others. Your wellbeing matters!

> I’m thinking my (dead) grandparents would be embarrassed of me being such a looser

To be embarrassed of you means they had expectations of you. This is the shadow.

You are not a loser. This life is yours. You may do as you please with it.

Thank you very much for this comment.

Get a job

Read the almanack of naval. Bettered my life

You have the wrong philosophy. A wrong interpretation of reality. Depression is inevitable. Have you ever asked yourself what a "good person" means? And why? Because it is written in a book? Because others told you so? Use your mind and senses, use Aristotle's achievement of how to interpret reality correctly: logic. Read "The Virtue of Selfshness" by Ayn Rand and live the best life you can.

Looks like a perfect description of Trump nowadays

Hmmm wanna send me some money?

I don't have money, and I may not be as miserable and unhappy as you, but I also dream of making a contribution. At the top of my head I've been wanting to do the following:

- Guide local undergrads in learning web dev. Giving them access to quality learning materials means a lot, let alone letting them access free linux servers (there are $5 cheap ones at hetzner / digitalocean / vultr but I was thinking if I could maximize those by using firecracker vm's which was used by fly.io)

- Create a local startup community platform. Our local community have a sub-par index of the local startup ecosystem and its resources, could use a lot of organization.

My work doesn't pay a lot, I don't have inheritance, I still struggle on bills. But I guess any man in my position would welcome some free beer and cigs money, hahaha.

Realtalk: if you're sitting on your hard-earned money, I don't see any reason to feel bad about it. If you're sitting on inherited money, maybe it's your parents' fault for giving you too much of a safety net. If you can't manage your resources efficiently, maybe the challenge is finding that person that could execute those well for you.

Lord Kelvin once said, "if we can't measure it, we can't improve it". What are your metrics for your impact-focused pursuits? At those two examples I've given above, my metrics are 1.) amount of undergrad developers we get to help each quarter, and 2.) amount of new local startup founder / employee we see each quarter. What are your metrics bro?

And what drugs are you on, uppers, downers, psychedelics, deluriants?.. Reminds me of that Alan Watts guy who said "If you get the message, hang up the phone.". Ain't saying they're good nor bad, but what's your end game with that? Maybe try dropping them for a while to get some clarity? Haha, ball is on your court

> Guide local undergrads in learning web dev

How is this useful for society? It's only useful for consulting companies, so they could sell their labour as a product at extreme markups

> What are your metrics for your impact-focused pursuits?

The amount of people benefitting from my work

> And what drugs are you on

Antidepressants

> How is this useful for society? It's only useful for consulting companies, so they could sell their labour as a product at extreme markups

Right, that's one way to see it.

Another way I see it is they get to learn some practical skills that let them build / create / craft things with their own hands with the limited resources they have. Could be used for earning money, if not, simply for creating stuff for people to see and experience (some people call it "art").

Another part of it is it opens doors for them, different avenues like being exposed to talking to other developers, to clients, being a problem solver, being a negotiator, learning transferable skills that they can take from one industry to another.

There's no certainty of course, all of these is a gamble on which of these could be fruitful in the next 3 / 5 / 10 years, and it might not even the kind of gamble that makes you tick and makes you feel alive, in which case you're free to explore other options out there.

> The amount of people benefiting from my work

Yea but that's vague as hell, any kid could say that.

> Antidepressants

Rest easy my brother, maybe it's all downhill from this point onwards. Maybe the stars have aligned in you just being a statistic of people who died because they can't sort themselves out because life has gotten too comfy.

Kidding of course, the go-to HN advice of course is get a goddamn therapist, preferably someone that really moves you forward, and at the same time really take some action on your end because as newton or einstein said: objects at rest stay in rest, objects at motion goes through the motions ahaha

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