Comment by lcall | Hacker News Reader

Comment by lcall | Hacker News Reader

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I think it is better called a "compliment sandwich". With practice, I think one can usually find something to praise about someone. Books called "difficult conversations", "crucial conversations", or similar (I have a couple, not at hand at the moment, and some material re this topic at my web site) are helpful in saying what needs to be said, while ALSO expressing true caring for the person as a valued human being.

Someone wise said something like: "the primary feeling in any interaction should be love", and, "never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved". It takes practice, and probably a supporting belief system. They didn't mean romantic love, but a sense of really caring about the person and their well-being, as more important than any putting them down or $ or whatever.

I think I said that better at my web site (in profile), under something like "Other / Life Lessons learned" / maturity models / social / ...."

Edit: another way to look at it is to be sure to say what you are NOT saying: "First of all, thanks for your efforts. One thing that happened is X did not actually help with Y, but it might in the future if it were more Z. (smile) I am definitely not saying you are are a bad person or something, or should be fired [if you can say so honestly]. We all have room to improve, I know I do, and I hope you will tell me so when you see ways I can improve. And I appreciate your efforts, and you have really good potential. Let's go forward together on this project from here." (Everyone does have good potential, in some context, I believe, and maybe it is almost always good to say "I think we can go forward on ___ with ___. I can be wrong, and thanks for listening!! That is kind of you. I will try to do the same." [then do so, asking questions, you can always say "interesting, I should probably give that some thought"... in a pinch.)

There are many good ideas out there. Asking questions and listening and observing, among them.

(some edits.., including correcting navigation notes about my web site)

If you give a human a "compliment sandwich" they are likely to take the compliments and throw away what they don't like. It will weaken your intent behind initiating the dialog.

A commitment to positive regard and support from your side is fine, but the way you expressed it in your examples feels manipulative and will lead to future compliments and interactions feeling inauthentic.

I've preferred to call it a "feedback sandwich" in the past but that feels like cop out management from Office Space, like firing someone on a Friday to minimize backlash.

If we're talking about a place of work then I might sandwich it by implying their skill is needed and, hopefully in a skillful way, that I like having them around. If these are the issues needing to be addressed then that's what makes it a "shit sandwich".

At the end of the day, I am responsible for only my own emotions. I can truthfully express what our relationship means to me and thereby provide some contextual buffering that they can rely on, if they want, but I don't want to push a desired reaction down their throat. That's a problem with an appeal to their kindness.

I find the sandwich helpful because I really do mean it, and otherwise I can be awkward with people and miscommunicate, easily. I think we agree that honesty is always important.

The reason for the whole prioritization of kindness generally is this: I have learned for myself that God is real, and our choices really do matter in this life and beyond, and the way I learned it means many other things follow as a result: the need to love God with our all, and our fellow humans as ourselves; and the importance of service to others, in the growth process we are all experiencing.

I also appreciate your point that you are only responsible for your own emotions. Sometimes remembering that helps me too -- especially if I consider those emotions to be a choice, or something that the person can choose, if they choose to act in that regard, rather than just being acted upon. Somehow balanced with the importance of serving/helping others appropriately when possible. There are a variety of situations of course, as you imply.

And just a quick aside as it occurs to me: I found from experience that if the only feedback is negative, the recipient will likely eventually quit listening or quit participating, or become destructive in some way. I think we all need a positive concept of future possibilities, i.e., hope, in order to move forward. Part of a leader's job is to be to motivate, and/or to know when that is needed, and providing that hope is important. There is a short book ~ "Leadership and the One Minute Manager" that talks about 4 different kinds (maturity levels) of reports, and the different treatment each needs, depending on their high or low levels of confidence and competence.

Leadership is definitely somewhere I can improve. I'll check out the book, thanks. I feel in my last leadership position I was too friendly, giving my team too much room to not be serious to improve. In a not insignificant way it contributed to me burning out there, so I'm still figuring out a better approach.

Someone that I consider my spiritual teacher once told me: "you can't be in Love with someone if you're not also in Truth with them." I really like that.

From a Christian perspective I prioritize the Truth aspect of Logos. I feel that is lacking in today's communication where people would rather be untruthful than risk being seen as unkind or risk not receiving love. It sounds like you are authentic in your expression however so that's great :)

Right -- we never want to leave a person thinking they are worthless or hated, nor that they don't have to try their best.

It impresses me how consistently the Lord's example & teachings include principles in such perfection and balance. I don't mean we have a record of everything, but that it is so good in that way. He always taught truth, and is patient & helpful if we are sincere in moving forward, doing our very best, on His path, and while never lowering his standards. Kindness and truth, together. There is so much reason for gratitude. (Email me any time/if you want/profile.)

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