As a long-time happy user of Postgres, I am happy to answer your questions:
> The popularity and mindshare of Postgres really puzzles me.
Why? Postgres really is "The World's Most Advanced Open Source Relational Database", just like it says on the tin.
> It’s so arcane and full of weird failure modes and gotchas.
Not really. It actually is the best-documented open source database that behaves just like they say in the manual. The Postgres manual is really quite wonderful, can be read back-to-back, like a good book.
> Why can’t we have SQL like this?
This has more to do with SQL itself than with Postgres. SQL as a standard has evolved over so many decades that the latest version of the spec has literally thousands of pages [citation needed, couldn't quickly find a link]. Implementing all of this, is an enormous task, and no relational DB implements all of it.
> I guess we do in the form of CockroachDB or Yugabyte, but Postgres has been so aggressively evangelized try selling someone on those. I know of one or two companies that use them but it’s a tough sell.
Postgres covers ~95% of all use cases of your average software company. Specialized DBs are really only useful in that last ~5% of cases.
> There are tons of overpriced Postgres managed cloud offerings and consultancies, so my guess is that there is a heavy financially motivated astroturf campaign.
Postgres is quite easy to run yourself, completely free of charge. There really isn't any "financially motivated astroturf campaign" that I can discern.