I’m a bit of a ‘positive’ existential nihilist, and I strongly feel that everything I do is not important in the greater view of existence / nature. That doesn’t mean that I think everything I do is worthless, some things are definitely worth a lot to me. It comes down to what I think is important, for me. I have a tiny window in time to experience life on earth. I want to spend that time doing things I like, preferably with people I love. The chemicals in my brain makes me feel good or bad depending on the day, but this is something I just need to realise and reflect/act on.
I’m quite creative and relatively successful (I’m not a millionaire though), my hobby’s include making things (music/art/code/design), which I enjoy a lot. That helps me find some purpose in my life.
I can be very lazy and I don’t want to put too much effort into certain things. Which is totally fine! In my youth people always told me that I was lazy, and in general that made me feel guilty throughout my life. Luckily I moved on from that state of being.
Currently I’m doing a well paid ‘bullshit’ job and I’m paying off some debts, buying music gear and searching for love. I could die tomorrow, or in 40 years. I do hope that I can stay for a while. I like humans. It’s nice to see them learn something for example. Teaching is fun.
I’m diagosed with dysthymia FYI. I hope you can find some relief in your situation in sharing your thoughts, it usually helps to process thoughts by bouncing ideas with other people. I just want to say, it doesn’t matter. Some people would love to be in your position (technically speaking), the mental part you need to figure out for yourself! Luckily humans like helping each other, so maybe try to keep communicating with others. Peace can be found!