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Comment by muuglay | Hacker News Reader

Suicide is a hard topic. My mom did it. I don't talk to my father. I might be autistic or have aspbergers, and I dont understand why I wake up. I'm a robot emulating a human. I have to do weed to grt any mystery of a cosmic connection because we are strange primates. I hate my job which causes a disease of more when even after excelling in a fang job making over seven figures, I feel very little joy. I just have hope that something will change. I'm going to retire soon. I hope I can find joy.

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If you aren't already working with a therapist, I would encourage you to do so. I think it would really help, but either way I hope you find what you're looking for.

Do you make art? I don't know how it feels to lose a family member to suicide, but I do remember how it feels to feel nothing. I started making art... In reality I forced myself to make art. Doodling first, then drawing and sketching and more complicated designs. I learned that art is like exercising, but instead of building muscle I was building physical emotions, in a sense. I had to train myself to make something tangible out of my thoughts and feelings in a way that I could prove to myself that they existed at all.

It wasn't easy, it was hard. Painful and scary and exciting and anxiety inducing and hopeful. I started by forcing myself to do it but the more and more I practiced the easier it became to search for inspiration within myself - like digging a well. At first it was sand and dust and rock; nothing alive. But the deeper I dug I found clay and mud and water and eventually I _learned_ how to find that spring of life within myself, and I could use that water to irrigate the fields and find life and mystery and inspiration in the world around me.

I don't know if art is what makes us human, but I found that art at least showed me what makes me feel alive.

Here's a song I thought of while writing this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FeD16vu_qQ

What a beautiful depiction of self-exploration. It would be interesting to hear more about how you get yourself to continue digging in such a state of mind.

I had to think about this for a moment. Finally a lyric from Kanye West came to mind that kept me going day after day. "When it feels like living is harder than dying, for me giving up is way harder than trying". I played this song on repeat, I don't know where I'd be without it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1SEEMkc-qw

Talk to a therapist, and if that therapist isn't giving you what you need then try another one. If you are shy about therapists, there are some programs that let you do therapy via text message or video call.

There are a lot of possible causes as to why you may feel a lack of joy. The good news is that the vast majority of those causes are fixable.

Allocate some time to joy seeking. I think I'm a bit on the autistic spectrum... at least I struggled for a very long time with human connections, and it changes a lot about how one sees life.

The analytical part of the brain is not the only one.. that said, I'm neuroscientist, just a dude with a strange upbringing.

Congrats on your retirement, sorry to hear about your family difficulties.

Pothead here, also probably autistic, also dealt with a lot of family trauma, also positioned to retire soon.

If you're smoking weed to feel a "cosmic connection" (which is reasonable IMO), you might want to look into trying more powerful psychedelics.

There's a lot of interesting research going on with mushrooms for depression: https://www.webmd.com/depression/news/20210415/study-magic-m...

I'm planning on waiting until I'm fully out of tech, then tripping balls and working on fixing myself instead of fixing code.

There is some research that seems to point out to genetic factors. My only experience with this subject seems to corroborate this, but it's anecdotal. This is true for some other mental health issues too. TL;DR I'd be very careful if there's any history in the family, as in your case.

Given that you suspect that you are neurodivergent(you mentioned autism), please talk to a professional. Maybe figuring out exactly what makes you tick is what you need - or maybe there's something that's preventing you from feeling 'joy' (anhedonia is a classic depression sign).

Don't wait until retirement. You can certainly afford talking to a therapist (from a monetary perspective at least, time may be another matter). But just do it.

I think that 'joy' is a target that can't be reached. No matter how wonderful one's life become, we'll adapt. Joy is fleeting (but you should still experience some occasionally). Not hating having to wake up is a good first goal though. I'm also working on that part.

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