Any recommendations on convincing wives to let their husbands become entrepreneurs? | Hacker News Reader

Any recommendations on convincing wives to let their husbands become entrepreneurs?

18 pointsrasmus420050 comments

I think it's a highly personal situation, and depends a great deal on the couple. Some people actually enjoy working together - I don't think I would (I'd rather hear what my wife did at work that has nothing to do with my job), and the 'hedging' aspect of someone with a steady job isn't a bad thing, either.

I've tried to get my wife to read as many of the really good articles as possible - some of PG's stuff... I tried to get her to read 'founders at work', but have yet to succeed. It would be a great book though.

It also depends on other things like where you are (kids? now? how many years from now?), what she does, what she wants to do, what kind of life she wants to live, what your ideas and her ideas are about how long it will be before you make money.

I think the best thing is to talk all those things over thoroughly.

In terms of "attaining your goals in life", though, I know that having met and married my wife is higher up there than anything else, and I always try and keep that in mind.

My wife and I read together most of "Hackers and Painters" by PG. I was surprised -- she really enjoyed it. I think this was partly what got her enthused about microPledge. (Some of the chapters were too techie and not readable-out-loud, like "A Plan for Spam". We skipped those.)

If you're asking this here, I'd say don't do it. Don't presume you have to go for it, especially right now. Keep in mind she may take on about as much of the risks and downside as you do without the personal satisfaction you get out of it.

Colin Powell may not be President of the US right now simply because his wife is not up for it it. But even though he could push her into battle or steamroll her, he doesn't. Just shows that he's a smart guy and model husband -- two traits not often combined in presidents, as it so happens.

Did Colin Powell ever even talk about intending to run for President? Not saying he didn't, just that I never heard about it.

Well... there's a broad spectrum of startup "types" - everything from "supplement my income, maybe replace it in the future" to full bore "VC funded, have to grow like cancer or we'll die".

If your idea fits in the the former class of startup convincing a spouse should theoretically be fairly easy - just set boundaries on time spent on your idea and make sure she gets plenty of time too; but I can't speak from experience here.

If your idea is closer to the latter or anything like a "typical" startup, good luck. An environment like that is going to be hard on _everybody_ in any close relationship with you. In my last startup, one of my employee's marriage came very close to failing due to the pressure... and he wasn't nearly doing the hours that the founders were doing.

Are you sure you'd want to do that to your wife?

I think the prospect of financial security for their (possibly future) kids is the biggest selling point.

And not just the prospect of -- get funding now. I don't mean a huge amount, just angel funding. We did this and it really helped my wife get on board.

Also, don't let the startup take over. Maybe if you're single you can work 14 hour days ... but I've got a family, and it comes before startup (mostly :-). I'd rather be happy than rich.

I respectfully disagree. Consider that:

- People are risk averse.

- Most hackers make pretty good money at 'real jobs'.

- Startups are definitely a risky proposition. As someone else commented, "A startup founder with a successful startup is already a rare exception.".

- So when you're in the thick of it, and there isn't a lot of money, and you don't know if it's going to go anywhere, that reality is going to wipe out any talk of "we might be rich", compared with the alternative of "making pretty good money and living comfortably".

The "this is what makes me happy, how can we both make it work" is the approach that has best worked for me. My wife likes coming home and finding that I'm so much happier than when I was working for a moron, even if there's no money in it (yet).

I'm not saying that the prospect of getting rich is enough to convince wives, just that of all the attractions of a startup-- being one's own boss, working on interesting technical problems, not having to commute to a cube farm, and the possibility of getting rich-- the one that appeals most to wives is the possibility of getting rich. Which is natural because of all the preceding, that's the one that affects them most.

Did you just use "startup" and "financial security" in the same sentence? :)

'... prospect of financial security ...'

I know it's a chicken & the egg problem, but demonstration of actual 'entrepreneurship' is my suggestion. The best way would be to get a demo or product working ASAP and get users, fast. You have a better chance of arguing a case with something more concrete than a prospect.

If this has to be done while you work in another job, the 'Schachter' model (work, expend little & build a product before a company) could be the go.

Bwahahahahaah!

Financial security as a selling point? What percentage of founders do you think achieve financial security as a result of a startup? 80% of small biz's fail in the first 5 years. A big percentage of the rest are "walking wounded" - doing well enough to pay the grocery bills, but certainly not secure.

Startups are high-risk / high-gain bets.

The best way to sell it is, "It's what I want to do. It's what would make me happy."

Presumably you have a relationship where that's important to both parties, right?

Setting an expiration date and a personal investment cap is good, too. i.e. "I want to try this for two years, and then let's re-evaluate. I'd like us to take on no more than $100k in debt, which is considerably less than a mortgage." And, dazzling her with visions of fabulous wealth can't hurt either. Bury her in articles about geeks who have built stoopid little web apps and made zillions of dollars.

If you really want to do it, all you should need to do is make sure she knows that you can't be happy without pursuing your dreams. Your spouse should want that for you, and should be on board, no matter what the sacrifice.

It helps, though, to give something back for her dreams. Marriages are partnerships, after all.

How long have you been married?

Is your wife employed and does she have a stable career?

Do you have kids?

Do you have a modest lifestyle that can sustain long periods of no income?

Does your family have health insurance?

Has your wife had any exposure to the entrepreneurial culture -- i.e. have her brother/sister/father/mother been a company founder?

dude, if you cant convince the one who decided to spend the rest of her life with you, how are you going to convince people who dont know you to invest in your company?

those are two different things because the interests and constraints of your spouse will be quite different from those of your investors or consumers.

Include the wife as a co-founder? :) I am trying that, and the biggest advantage I can see is that our interests and intentions are more aligned than can be with other co-founders.

"Let"? That kind of pre-existing power disparity already says it's doomed.

You need all your support systems Go For Launch or it's a no go. They all need to be behind you, pushing you FORWARD.

That first line is classic!! Ha!

"Let" generally gets used both ways in marriage. It doesn't usually imply disparity.

It always implies disparity.

No, in a marriage it implies parity: each party gets a veto on decisions that will affect them both.

Gyro, ever been in love? Do you even understand how a partnership works? What about co-founders? Do you just individually do whatever suits you, or do you discuss what's most important for the company and make decisions together?

Same goes for a marriage. It's a partnership - all decisions are cooperative. All major decisions (should) be by consensus. (flame edited out by author).

I would suggest watching the personal comments and insults. The fact that we view an issue differently does nothing to indicate that your view is correct, and your conclusions are wrong.

Nobody should ever get a veto over your dreams and aspirations.

If you're in a relationship like that, you're both sharing the risk -- and if you can't convince her of the rewards, it sounds like there's a serious problem.

Wow, I didn't think anyone on here would downmod that sentiment.

You really don't understand marriage. You don't just do things - You work together.

"You don't just do things - You work together."

this is correct.

Actually I understand only too well. I know the OP's situation is no good because your partner should be supporting your dreams/goals/aspirations and vice-versa. You should never have to ask permission, or convince someone to "let" you pursue your dreams. Nobody who truly cares about you would ever try to stand in the way of it.

"Because I really want to" is reason enough for anyone you're that close to. Bringing in a bunch of unknown people on the 'net to help you plead your case is a defacto admission of a lack of closeness/belief/trust.

The act of convincing is an important one. You need to convince your spouse that it's important to you. More important than all the other concerns (that's the hard part).

It's a super tough thing. I think the startup founder with a successful marriage and a successful startup is the rare exception. They're both full-time commitments and one almost always loses the battle for attention.

Tom Leykis (much hated LA "shock jock") advises (paraphrasing): Do not get married until you've achieved your dream in life.

I think that's good advice to take, even if it's tough thing to face. I haven't see much evidence to contradict it.

Do not get married

Fixed.

A startup founder with a successful startup is already a rare exception.

I know of two couples (my wife's side) who have started and continue to run successful businesses. They started in their 40s.

They aren't tech startups, but these businesses certainly required a lot of time and energy when they started up.

And what if one has many dreams in life? In fact, what would a life look like if one stopped creating and pursuing dreams?

I'm married, I still have dreams and still work to achieve them. Ideally, your marriage would incorporate the pursuit of both partners' dreams - a balanced approach.

Convincing your wife should be simple: tell her why you must pursue your dream. Ask her what her fears are and then explain your perception of each of those fears and how you plan to address them. It pretty much comes down to dispelling any fears she has.

'... convincing wives to let their husbands become entrepreneurs? ...'

Find the union of where your expertise domain overlap and complement and work towards an idea from there. Think SixApart (coder, designer ~ blog tools), Fastgraph (coder, game designer ~ games & engine development tools), Flickr (visual design, communication skills) . Lots of startups have spouses in them. It's a matter of finding and aligning skillsets,

As a married entrepreneur, I would never recommend having your wife work with you. Relationships are complicated enough without throwing business complications into the mix. My "trick" was to have a startup that grew organically out of and enhanced my "day" job.

On the other hand, I run a little online shop with my girlfriend, that is getting pretty respectable income: I handle the technical things, and she handles the customer services/inventory/shipping stuff.

It surely beats working for somebody else: more time to spend together, less grunt work and potentially more income too.

You do not need VC/Angel funding for your startup... it is definitely possible to grow your business, have a life and be rich at the same time. Don't be ruled by the 'Tyranny of Or'.

Tell her:

If I fail, we lose the house. If I succeed, I'll get rich and "trade up", if ya know what I mean.

Lol. Yeah, the poster must not have Tom Leykis on the air in his town. He'd do well to listen to a few episodes. Or just man up.

I more or less hide it from my girlfriend. No really.

It does help that she works long hours as well, and of course we have no children.

So my experience from doing a startup. It depends on the wife/girl. - If they are confident and not risk adverse its OK. My gf practically told me to go get a life and challenge yourself or i'm going to dump you b/c you are clearly doing nothing in your current corporate job. She is still a student though, and there are no family considerations. - other significant others in the team required more convincing, but most saw how 'serious' their loved one was about it and initially opposed it but eventually said ok.

this is really different from a kid/house situation though. i think there is a different level of responsibility if you have others depending on you for financial security. I think then its really a decision between you and your wife that you sit down and discuss. In geneneral though, you want to sell the story and back it up w/ action.

Your wife or your cofounders' wives? I only ask because you phrase it in plural.

Clearly, the original poster is polygamous.

Whoever downmodded, care to explain? I'm not smartassing or critiquing the writing; I was really doubtful about what the poster meant.

If I wanted to ask what everyone is replying, I'd say "any advice on convincing your wife to let you become an entrepreneur?" All that indirection about 'wives' and 'husbands' makes it look like someone is worried that the wive(s) of their prospect cofounder(s) will prevent them from taking the leap.

Promise her riches beyond her wildest dreams?

"So when you're rich can leave me for some younger, hotter model?"

Time to upgrade the server!

"Let"? As in .. you have to ask?

Be "the man." Take "the risk." She will follow you. (Otherwise, dump her.)

Also, read "The Way of the Superior Man" (and/or other books) by David Deida. It will be one of the better investments you will make in your life.

PS. There's a reason San Francisco's dead-last in (_heterosexual_) sex, young children and babies per capita: (Hint: can be elucidated from the following article) http://digg.com/offbeat_news/No_Sex_Tonight_2

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