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Comment by hellojesus | Hacker News Reader

I want to kill myself every second of every day, and it's been that way for 15ish years now.

The only thing, fleeting as it may be, that I find worthy of doing in life is sex, and these ed side effects have kept me from exploring the potential for a world in which I don't to cease to exist or murder in the sake of nihilism.

I'd rather destroy the lives of those around me or others' randomly than live without sex. It's just a function of my utility curve.

Unfortunately and as counter intuitive as it may seem, I'm very cautious of skin to skin diseases such as hsv and hpv, which has kept me from hiring prostitutes, even though the only thing in life I want is exactly that.

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I'm sorry you feel that way. It sounds difficult. I believe there are many things that could help you find more pleasure in life and also find more fulfilling sex. I recommend searching for those things, and looking for people who can help you. But I'm actually commenting to point out that sex with a prostitute doesn't have to be risky, despite stereotypes. Most prostitutes are frequently tested for infectious diseases, and most will have no objection if you ask to see a recent clean test. Very very few prostitutes will have unprotected sex. And you could even find a less active prostitute who doesn't have sex with many people. The biggest risk is probably legality, depending on where you're based. But, assuming you have legal access to it, I would recommend seriously considering it. It's a fair exchange of something you have, for something you need that could really help you get what you want out of life. As long as it's between consenting adults, there is no problem with safely exploring this option. One note that I would recommend if you do pursue it is to also pursue personal growth at the same time, because few people find that sex with a prostitute was what they really wanted, and you may find that what you really want in life will take a lot of work to achieve.

Thank you for your response. I appreciate it.

The problem I have concerning diseases and prostitutes is that, although many get tested often, almost all testing excludes hsv and hpv unless specifically requested. And since ~12% of the population carry hsv-2, which can shed asymptomatically and be contracted from skin-to-skin groinal contact, it seems that it's an eventuality if I pick up prostitution long term, and then it's for life.

Condoms help, but they're not perfect. I asked on a forums once if prostitutes would be okay if I wore condom shorts such as the following link, and I was told that (1) the hobby was not for me, (2) the probability of contraction given the use of condoms is low enough not to be a consideration, and (3) the item probably wasn't tested under the same standards as condoms so probably isn't as safe (I figure latex material such as this would be a find physical barrier).

https://m.aliexpress.com/item/1005001595057592.html?spm=a2g0...

I'm still contemplating it but am having trouble digesting the sti risk. The legal risk doesn't bother me.

Edit: auto-correct

For someone who wants to die constantly, you seem very concerned about taking good care of your body and health.

Not insulting you, I know how weird and contradictory humans can be. It's just interesting.

I know. It's ridiculous, and I hate it, but that's my mental state. I think I wrote it was counter intuitive in my initial post because, as you point out, it's as rational as pi.

I was where you are for about 10 years. Don't give up hope, it can end.

Also have you tried websites for "sugar babies" instead of an actual prostitute. Someone who is willing to get tested, and sleep with you regularly but doesn't have the same risk profile as a prostitute?

I've considered it but haven't had much luck.

For a period of time in the past I ran a small porn production shop wherein I would hire and then get recent test results from models. But TTS, the industry standard, doesn't test for hsv or hpv so I gave up while I was ahead.

I was in a similar position to you (minus the murder part). The only thing that pulled me out of it was Prozac. I wrote up my experiences here: https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150

I have sex on a regular basis, and it's not nearly as bad as these side effects make it sound. It's different, sure, but you can definitely have enjoyable sex.

You need to take antidepressants every single day for at least 30 days before you'll notice any effect whatsoever. Every day, without fail. If you haven't tried that yet, I urge you to; it was nothing short of miraculous, and there was no reason for me to live so many years in misery.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. I'll take a look at your experiences and consider taking action.

If you try anything, ask for Wellbutrin first if it is not the first thing prescribed. There are usually not any libido or lethargy issues.

You may have ADHD and may want to get tested for it. I'm looking for a doctor to go to again, but being an adult the ones I've seen so far think I just want drugs. Complications from ADHD look a lot like depression.

I don’t think libido or lethargy is the most important consideration. The consideration is whether it eliminates suicidal thoughts. For me, Prozac was the only thing that worked, and this advice would’ve led me astray.

If you want to discount libido that is at least halfway excusable, but that depends on the individual. Lethargy, which almost always comes with libido issues, is more problematic, as it causes weight gain and a corresponding decrease in life expectancy.

It an be hard or impossible to combat. I've had people tell me they discontinued their medication due to weight gain (or libido issues, as in this thread).

This is really interesting. May I ask why you came to the ADHD conclusion in the first place? Was it solely the correlation between depression/anxiety and adhd?

I did a quick search and came across a few articles such as the following one: https://totallyadd.com/23-signs-you-do-not-have-adhd/

I was surprised to find I exhibit many of these symptoms. Most prominently having stacks of things throughout the office/house which contain various half-worked projects or hobbies or just general information. My shieldmadien constantly complains about the "disaster" and is always shocked when she asks where something is, and I'm able to go straight to the pile of junk which contains exactly what she's looking for.

Other things like time being an elusive concept or going to another room to get something and then getting there and having no idea what I am supposed to be doing are also frequent occurrences. I know where my car keys are, but that's only because I have a very specific plastic tray on the kitchen counter that is supposed to contain them and my wallet. If they disappear from there because I get distracted between walking into the house and emptying my pockets then it's usually a hunt for them.

I tend to bounce between new projects but get obsessively engrossed with them at the start... and then just never complete them.

Not sure if I actually have it, but it is an interesting thought.

> Was it solely the correlation between depression/anxiety and adhd?

Yes, but partially also your existence on HN. Depression/anxiety + well read is almost always some shade of ADHD in my experience (of observing people who get diagnosed by doctors).

Giving up isn't a bad thing. I've given plenty of things up, usually after either realizing I was right or finding someone else had done it.

Very interesting. Thank you for the follow-up. I'll do some more investigating into it.

That last part isn't true. People report credible effects of positive mood immediately. The issue is you can't necessarily trust these self-reports and it takes roughly 1-2 weeks for someone with a clipboard to start writing down results that correlate with a perceived increase in mood.

Some adverse reactions to SSRIs are so bad people will kill themselves if they go a month. If it doesn't feel right you should just stop taking them.

That last part is my own experience. It was so true for my case that I nearly didn’t discover Prozac at all, because I gave up after the first week. It wasn’t until many years later that I knuckled down with the consistency, since I had nothing to lose.

As it turned out, I had everything to gain.

All of this should be done with the supervision of a doctor.

Don't worry too much, you are not alone mate, and it's perfectly normal to ADORE sex!

That why it is at the same level as breathing, eating and shitting in:

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

ps. Having sex in rubber with prostitute is safer in terms of HPV/HSF infection then with average female in UK without any protection (especially with Y gen) :) So I would not worry about it THAT much.

Sorry to hear that. Do you think it's a function of your philosophical beliefs?

Which part?

The aspect of not finding life to be meaningful. Or would you phrase it differently?

Disclaimer: I'm just a Christian who cares.

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