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I understand what they’re trying to say, but…this would also be true if they were just irrelevant.

It would also be true if they were a ham sandwich, but since we know they're not one, we ignore that possibility.

This reminded me of:

> If grandma had wheels she’d be a bicycle

I thought of being sarcastic, but you've done it for me.

My version of that saying is "If my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a bus" but this is fine, too.

Has anyone outside of the "I'm deeply concerned about online privacy" brigade even heard of DuckDuckGo?

I have the same concern. As long as they're shipped as a search option for every major browser, even on mobile, I have hope.