How to Get over Fear of Disappointing Others (FODO)
nickwignall.com
nickwignall.com
If I only cared about what I thought, I'd never have the motivation to finish anything
If you are doing this such that you don't let someone down because you said you would do something, that is separate from you being afraid to say no when you do not have the capacity to say yes without hurting yourself.
I'm in Dude (of The Big Lebowsky) mode nowadays.
As in I am the complete opposite of you in this regard at work. If someone gives me a deadline 'just because' I get this huge repulsive reaction and will actively work against it where I can.
If you lay out all the tasks and their priorities in front of me, I will do the best job I can to finish each one of them in turn and I will do it without checking Facebook for 4 out of 8 hours every day, all by myself. If you tell me I have to do all of these by the end of the day, you're in trouble.
Not having consistent personal boundaries can create the expectation for others to reciprocate the lack of boundaries we present with. It becomes very bad news when you resent others for not reciprocating all the "nice" things you did for them to avoid their perceived disappointment.
Anyway, when you promote someone out of an IC role to a management role, the initial struggle is often due to this FODO habit that they were rewarded for and it was the thing that helped them succeed as an IC, but hampers them as a leader. What got you here isn't what you need for the next stage, etc.
The concept is so important, I wish it were part of a common curriculum. This named FODO anxiety is the underlying factor in a number of anti-patterns, like what bullies exploit, how large groups of people become cowed, how some personalities can derail teams. This writer is telling us why we should manage this, whereas I think everyone should be responsible for developing the ability to manage FODO as a life skill.
Something for me that falls under the rubric of "normal reciprocity" is an explanatory apology. If a friend has agreed to meet me for coffee somewhere and arrives 30 minutes late and just says "Sorry!" with no explanation, I get peeved. I feel deserve some explanation as to why 30 minutes of my life was wasted.
It’s different with family (parents and siblings) who have been absolutely unsupportive to me personally yet continually insist that I do X/Y/Z for them every week. By pushing back and trying to reduce this stressor, they gaslight and victim blame instead of using empathy. But what am I to do? Cut them off and be a pariah from the extended family for the rest of life?
Easy for me to say, but what about yes? Their behaviour is what is worth of them becoming the pariahs.
If the extended family are decent, you could try talking to them directly, although I guess not a lot of people have understanding with kids who "disown" their parents.
Move away (to a city, at least a few hrs away, further is even better) and build a new life somewhere else. Meet people, get involved in things, sleep only when you must.
"So sorry family, life drew me to XXX and I miss you terribly too!" -- this is the narration to describe so many happy and healthy people's familial relationships.
Family that cares about you will respond with "we're really happy for you, but we miss seeing you", family that does not care will respond with "how could you leave?".
You can decide for yourself how to deal with people who do not care about you, but you can do it from far enough away that it doesn't have to occupy so much of your mental energy.
I was surprised how drastically my relative's behaviour changed when my presence was conditional on me wanting to bother to drive for a couple hours to see them. Between biting ones tongue and not seeing their son/cousin/nephew for the next five years they picked biting their tongues, mostly. Your mileage may vary.
I understand that in countries like the USA employees complain about other employees just for being sick and call them lazy, and management forces people to do extra hours to impress upper management. Or at least I get that from many comments here in HN were I have seen people been called lazy for having human needs or caring for their families.
I’m not even joking, I’ve come across a number of Swedes on the internet who seemed to have this judgmental, superior and vaguely nationalist stance, and your comment does nothing to dispel that impression.
Yet I wouldn’t dare say Swedish people are like that.
Is there anything that makes Nick qualified to provide that advice?
https://www.richardhare.com/2007/09/03/the-minto-pyramid-pri...
Besides, a person’s disappointment stems from their own expectations going unmet, not your competency. Frequently those expectations weren’t reasonable in the first place.
This seems obvious when I say it this way, but internally my mind is exploding right now...
For example, I’m in corp finance. Everyone in the company comes to me for financial analysis. It’s not that they are necessarily unfamiliar with spreadsheets or building some rather simple analysis. Many of them have MBAs, etc of which Finance was a major component. It’s that my team is the default go to for all things financial.
Even when reasonable, they often lack context as to competing priorities. So they just expect, until you tell them there are higher priority items. At that point, there can be discussion about priorities if necessary.