Your laptop is 5 to 7 years old - do you realize how long that is in tech years? I am not sure you can run the latest Windows OS well on a 5 - 7 year old laptop.
"Intel switches have all forced me to upgrade before I wanted to."
The switch to Intel processors was very gradual and not painful at all. Apple kept PPC support for many years.
Why are you against the upgrades? If it is because of the cost associated with upgrading that is understandable. But the tech industry moves so fast and computer performance increases every year - do you really want to be using 5 - 7 year old technology?
"I've also had this conversation on HN a couple times. It often ends in multiple people expressing surprise that I'd be interested in continuing to use such old, out-of-date hardware"
Time to listen to the crowd my friend.
You CAN still use your computer to access email, write, browse, communicate, play, etc. But you can't complain when it doesn't run all software or isn't the fastest.