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Comment by Loughla | Hacker News Reader

Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist.

Also, this one is summed up as - pay attention to non-verbal communication (body language), pay attention to group dynamics, be available and in proximity when appropriate and available fluidly, get people to talk about themselves, and be interested in other people.

In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person.

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Turns out the fastest way to make someone like you is to actually pay attention to them. Most people are so focused on what they’re going to say next that they don’t listen fully, and people really like feeling like they’ve been heard.

I have a little theory. The best way is to pay attention to the group. Not a person, not you, the group.

In certain circumstances, maybe. But most people also want to smile, laugh, and to be entertained by the conversation. Evoking those responses requires charisma.

It seems like charming psychopaths are using most of these checklists to further their goals and fly under the radar. One must admit that these checklists are just common sense and not bad in themselves, what is bad is the goal of winning people over for attaining some nefarious goal or gain some advantage.

And yet it seems so rare. I can get people talking about themselves for an endless amount of time. Rarely do I come across anyone who actually seems to do the same for others.

Even more awkward is when you're having a conversation with someone who is trying even harder to get you to talk about yourself, while you're trying to do some of the same. Then it's a competition to see who can say the least before asking "and what about you?"

My favorite theme of the referenced book is that the best way to get people to like you is to act like you care about them, and the best way to act like you care about them is to actually care about them. Tactics are worth knowing, but nothing replaces authenticity.

I concur.

Also I'm fascinated how in those days, in the US, anything was a business. Any microscopic hurdle can be turned into profit by selling your experience and whatever little trick you found to gain whatever little edge.

We're people, stop trying to have skills to win a spot in society.

This is all fear induced, because we all feel like we need a spot in the social tissue. But playing that game makes you often very shallow.

There's a lot to say about social dynamics and these are only the beginning and in the end it doesn't provide real value: long term quality bonds.

Getting people to like you is an ancient evolved skill, not a new fangled US created contraption. And it's a good way to develop long term quality bonds

So, giving out good advice is bad because people might follow it robotically or get it wrong in some other way?

I'm not sure what my conclusion should be. I don't see a problem with this list.

> Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist.

Not a "young person" anymore, but with all of the recent isolation, I think this will be helpful for me and presumably others who are reemerging into society and hoping to find people to spend time with.

Thanks for the tip though...must remember it's not a checklist!

> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person.

Yeah, but "act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person" is unusable when you don't know how to make friends. It's like with holy texts saying "Love thy neighbour", but Kamasutra is more specific.

yeah, basically it's these two rules:

1) Be nice

2) Don't be an asshole

>Every time I see one of these 'how to make friends and influence people' sort of lists, I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist.

Guides that distill complex things into detail free free checklists and absolute rules that have lost so much nuance they are useless are wildly popular.

> In other words, act like a person who is trying to make friends with another person.

Nah, I'm good.

You assume all people are well socialised and already understand non-verbal communication. Some people do not recognise different faces, let alone facial expressions. This sort of checklists are very helpfull.

"I can't help but fear for the young people who will take them as gospel and act like a robot, moving through them as a checklist."

Why?

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