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Comment by torben-friis | Hacker News Reader

My post wasn't really shaped by any particular experience, but I did have 2 in mind, as well as 3; not a specific case in mind, but more a point that they do exist, and that they aren't any less likely or worth considering.

I think that all four options are definitely possible, but that people have a bias for maintaining their circle of comfort, and justify that fear of the unknown.

As for

>You cannot deny that there's beauty in 1

I do deny it; or to be clear, I think it is a story that we've been conditioned to prefer over the others, with sometimes disastrous results for everyone involved. I see the same beauty in any other option that ends up with a person living a great life they don't regret.

I think we'd have a better world if people focused on finding their best possible life without a notion that this choice is the default, more likely option for a live well lived.

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> I do deny it; or to be clear, I think it is a story that we've been conditioned to prefer over the others

Speaking personally, and perhaps it is indeed my conditioning, but at 25+ years of marriage I am living that beauty in 1 every day and I know without a doubt it has led me to my best possible life.

Also speaking personally, I know more divorced couples than married couples, and have seen a married partner (who has a child) cheat on their spouse for going on a decade “because it’s the path of least resistance.” Also saw someone during a divorce light $100k on fire (from combined assets) in lawyer fees just to spite the other person (who had exhausted all options in attempting to repair the relationship before asking for the divorce).

Everyone is winging it, and the only beauty is in finding happiness while causing the least harm to others (imho). Do the best you can with the information you have, maybe it works out, maybe it doesn’t.

I don't mean to devalue your experience, nor imply that it is somehow less valid due to it happening to be our society's default "happy ending", for clarification.

If the default happens to work for you, that's awesome, and in fact it's probably what will work for most people - otherwise it wouldn't be the default.

I'm just against considering alternative ways of finding happiness or purpose as consolation prizes, bittersweet stories, or somehow less valuable or beautiful than others. There's effort in keeping a marriage working for decades; there's also effort in daring to leave an unhappy comfort zone to find better ways, or simply to learn to live life in your own terms if "the one" never appears for you.

Marriage is a mutual help commitment. A world with strong mutual help commitments is better than a world where people abandon each other at the first difficulty. So I try to make that world a reality through my actions. It's partly prosocial, partly for my wife and kids' sake, and partly for my own.

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