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Comment by technothrasher | Hacker News Reader

I am a parent, and honestly you just have to read the individual kid. Just like people of any age, kids react to things in their own ways. Some kids will get pissed if you downplay their getting hurt, others will react with horror if you play it up, some will just deal with it by themselves regardless of how you act. The best way to parent isn't to follow some preset rules, but to try to understand your child for who they are. And then be easy on yourself, because whatever you do, many times it'll be not quite right anyway!

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The older I get and the more I observe children from an adult lens the more I see how much personality is packed into even very young people. You can get different reactions out of the same person but you have to tailor your approach for each one, and I think it must be the same with parenting children.

Has your view on nature versus nurture shifted since having kids? I've heard some people start to shift very heavily towards viewing people's personalities as part of their nature from birth after raising children of their own.

As a parent myself: that sort of framework tends to absolve parents from their responsibilities, so of course it appeals. "Nothing I could do about it, guv, he was always like that!" It can also be used to reinforce the sense of "talent" or "destiny" they want to (often selfishly) imbue in their spawn.

I've actually gone all the way to the other side. I see in my kids all the issues they've inherited from me and their mother, plus all the extra they get from a different environment from the ones we grew up in. I see where they diverge in attitudes, of course, but that has very clearly a lot to do with firstborn vs sibling and (increasingly, with age) their sex, rather than anything incredibly unique or innate.

> the more I see how much personality is packed into even very young people.

Before I had kids, I always assumed that babies were like undifferentiated blank slates and that they grew unique personalities over time and through experiences.

If anything, it's the exact opposite. My kids and the kids of my friends pop out of the womb with insanely huge personality variation. You don't see it at first because babies have so few visible outputs. But once they hit toddler age where they can walk and talk and do stuff, you realize each one is a complete batshit crazy wildcard.

It's only through years of socialization that they learn to mold their inner oddball into something stable and functional enough to participate in society.

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